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Penski
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Fri Jun 02, 2017 6:46 pm

Cornelia May – Heyes’ job doesn’t seem that “leisurely” if he’s concerned about going out in Indian country. Agent Knight seems to think they’re fairly safe. Did they really send orphan Indian children back East? Okay, my first thought is that the girl has measles. Am I right? Probably not because the doctor would have known. So now Heyes is being paid to babysit while the agent goes to find the mother. Interested to see where this goes. thumbsup

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Fri Jun 02, 2017 8:50 pm

So many great stories this month.

sistergrace:  It's great to see a modern day story, even if it had it's sad aspect.  I always want to think of our boys riding into the sunset forever, but his one was gently done.  It was nice that the couple showed such respect and let him continue to rest in a beautiful spot.

Penski:   I like the characters of Gertie and her father.  Wouldn't we all dream of an answer of yes, no matter which one we were asking?  I like Heyes asking to to take care of the Kid.  I think that helped Gertie's father realize the boys weren't all bad.

Cornelia May:  An interesting job for Heyes.  Will we get to see some new aspects and issues with they boys getting involved in the local disagreements with the Native Americans.  Will she be sent back east?  Will they find her mother?  Intriguing plot line.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Sat Jun 03, 2017 7:04 pm

@Penski

I am assuming a number of Indian children that were sent east to the Carlisle Indian Industrial School were orphans. It wouldn't surprise me if the majority were since much like today, life on the reservation was a struggle. I do know that the curricula activities I mentioned are accurate to what was taught in on and off reservation Indian boarding schools at the time, as is the doctor's attitude towards the little girl's illness. TB was also a common illness among the children at the CIIS and that some of the children that died were buried on the school grounds. I actually live about an hour and fourty-five minutes from Carlisle, PA so I did learn a little about it in history class when we went over local history in the four state area (for me that's MD, PA, VA, and WV).

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Tue Jun 06, 2017 12:09 pm

May Challenge Comments

Nebraska Wildfire -  Sheesh!  You can call me sappy, but when the Kid called that little gal "darlin'" it set my heart a-flutterin'.  heart  I liked the flow of conversation between HH and KC in this piece, Nebraska.  And yes, I did wonder at first about sending her to Valparaiso, but then I remembered your other story.  Good challenge!  

WichitaRed - Loved the lines about both men remembering the song of the Meadowlark. Also liked the part about pronouncing the river's name like the locals do.  Smart fella, Hannibal Heyes.  (You too!)  Favorite line:  “Well, now, I am right glad, I have your guard dog leashed, Heyes; he looks like he has some bite to him.” cigar

nm131 - Writing in only dialog has left you with NO shortage of great lines!  There are just to many to mention.  I started to, but then I would find another, and another, and another.  cowboyclap  Loved this, nm.

Cal - Thanks for the education.  You've taught me a new word - schadenfreude.   reading I looked it up only to find it meant pretty much what I thought it might just by the way you used it.  Uncanny that both you and I used unearthed bodies that held an old Army issued gun.  13smilie  Truly a coincidence since I had not read your challenge until today.  I LOVE the part where Kid helps with Heyes' plan by making him appear more "authentically" beaten up.  Looking forward to more.  


cac - This was a fun challenge!  I giggled at HH's plan to go back to their days of robbing banks, only this time giving the money to the poor.  safe  Favorite line:  “But we’re still wanted “Dead or Alive,” Heyes. It’s the “dead” part I don’t like.”

Penski - Gertie is a sweetheart.  Loved the proposal and "acceptance" lines from Gertie and Kid.  congrats  I especially enjoyed your many references back to the original series. Two thumbs up!  two thumbs

Cornelia May -  A very interesting beginning and different take on the prompt.   applause Sure hope the fellas didn't find more trouble than they can handle this time.  Looking forward to the next installment. sm

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PostSubject: finders Keepers   Wed Jun 07, 2017 3:36 am

Calico - ...One boot each!.... and hop!... Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing  You're a wicked pussycat!

Heyes wouldn't wait to post another challenge... 'Along came a Spider' is all done and dusted and posted here

http://asjbuckshot.forumotion.com/t453-along-came-a-spider-7500-words-an-outlaws-tale

I didn't complete my feedback


Nelia
- 1883- Near a Cheyenne Indian Reservation - love that confident precision... something tells me we've got a writer that knows her stuff (other than what she learned as a child of the seventies growing up watching westerns like so many of us.)

Like Penski, I don't think Heyes' job sounds leisurely....sounds dangerous.  Loving the advise...   not to be a coward and run off like the last guy lol2 That policy on kids sounds very like the Australian policy with aboriginal children back in the day ... a total disaster. Horrible to think about. OOOH interesting....they 've already found a child... and taking her back to town... oh...in the light of what the agent said ...that may be a terrible idea.  Glad you put the guys back together.

So he's left Heyes babysitting the sick girl... is this the beginning of your new fanfic Nelia... excellent set up... I'd definitely read on.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:39 am

@Cal

Funny story Cal, I'm actually only 21. I was introduced to ASJ while spending two weeks with my mom's parents around my sophomore (2010 or 2011) year of high school; I didnt start writing fanfic until 2013. They dont have cable so the show did a summer run on METV or something like that. The first episode I ever saw was Night of the Red Dog, and this remains my favorite to this day. Took me about a year to find and watch all the eps. on YouTube and then I found my way to the fanfic.net archive and eventually made my way to this forum.

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PostSubject: Nelia   Wed Jun 07, 2017 7:22 am

Nelia..... 21????????? You're younger than all four of my children.... I so love that you are a fan... and willing to give fanfic writing a go, about the gorgeous twosome.... I hope you take this as its meant... I would not have guessed your age from your writing... which is timeless.

I was well smitten by 21 and I had a book of stories that I'd written as a student.  Some of them have been rewritten for my thread... they could not have appeared as written by my 21 year old self....lol.

My first episodes were the Roger episodes....in black and white.... (Hardly dare breathe that out loud lol..) and Kid stole my heart.   We didn't have a telly in the early seventies... I had audio cassette tape of some of the Pete episodes .... The clunks...as The boys hit the floor in Stagecoach seven didn't mean anything to me till years later!

Now I know I'm sounding like a dinosaur... BUT... imagine my joy... years (40) later... seeing my gorgeous boys riding the West in full colour HD on a wide screen telly.... I knew about the tragedy that befell dear Pete by then... so I tried hard to protect myself from falling for the dimpled outlaw .... BUT .. it was impossible... I saw the pilot ....which I'd never seen before... and fell head over heels.  (Roger wasn't the type of actor you fell for romantically... Not with Ben at his side anyway.... but Pete!!!!)

Another thing you may not have heard... The Day they hanged Kid Curry was deemed too.... nasty (I think) to air in the UK... So that scene of Kid in the bath (I had the poster ...till it fell apart) No one got to see that here till reruns years and years later....

WOW...I really love that you're so young and can still appreciate a series from my era... just goes to show ...it was streaks ahead of anything else on TV
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Fri Jun 09, 2017 8:03 am

Penski. Formula for everything
Poor boys, it makes you wonder how much of their daily life is just as you wrote in the set up.
Unlike Mr. Franklin's job interview method, very clever on your behalf. I like the training session it was interesting and the formula for accuracy well described. I also like that you show Hannibal Heyes has skill with a gun it. That is often left out. Thank you for the fun story

Inside outlaw. Formula for everything
As always I loved your perfection at dialogue. The pranks they were playing on each other were quite hilarious and Hannibal Heyes was absolutely perfect. Great job and thanks for sharing

Cornelia may formula for everything

I feel your pain here and hope things get more in line so you can do what you want



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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Fri Jun 09, 2017 12:52 pm

Finders keepers

Cal
Absolutely wonderful description...The dust plume, thrown up by the horse’s feet, formed an ominous pointer to the Bounty Hunter’s position.  

Oh boy Heyes arrogance has turned to anger this could be interesting
Good line I can see Heyes disgusted snarl but it still made me giggle....“Finders Keepers!” barked Heyes incredulously.
“What are you? … TEN!”
Had to look this up...schadenfreude...good word
Absolutely love kids reaction and how he punches his partner saying well you look pretty beat up now..oh boy I have you got his inner workings down....The dark eyes simmered.  Scores were being counted, and stored up for later....... really and truly enjoyed this piece thank you for sharing

CAC

How cool, elizabeth is not a bad guy so to say.

Lol....Sometimes I even dream people write stories about it, and sometimes we get it, sometimes we don’t, but I’m tired of it.... awfully Coy of you.

Sad part is I can see Heyes point of view...and here after the Trevor's and porters worked so hard for them


SisterGrace
Your right that was rather sad, put a hitch in my throat. Nice writing though


Penski

There is sweet story with a lot of emotion involved. I enjoyed your character Gertie, thanks for sharing


Cornelia may
Wonderful start to a story. I am very curious to see where you go. Thank you for sharing






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PostSubject: Finders Keepers   Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:14 pm

I'm just finishing up the Finder Keepers challenge stories, sorry I'm a bit late.

Penski - Gertie and Hank Black were a nice change of pace from the usual cast of characters our boys meet. You wrote them very well with dignity, respect and humor. Can't say I blame Gertie for wanting to keep who she found and interpreting Kid's mutterings as a yes.

Cornelia May - I always love when I learn things as well as being entertained and your story accomplished both. I hope you continue the narrative. Heyes and Curry do seem to be sympathetic towards the Native Americans.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Fri Jun 16, 2017 8:40 am

Cac -- Canada

Got a huge kick out of your short bit for this month...such statements draw a person right down into a story. What a cool little clip, with great insight. Fun Fun Fun...as the beach boys would say

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:16 pm

cac - An almost poetic feel to this snippet.  It definitely grabbed my attention.  Would make a great opening for a longer story.  You've nicely conveyed the similarities between the adrenaline rush the Kid feels in a fast draw and his feelings of exhilaration with this woman, Canada.  And perfectly understandable that Heyes would not relish anything about a shoot-out, other than the ease of tension at the end when he sees Curry standing and in one piece.  draw  Nice challenge!

WichitaRed - This installment of your on-going challenge is thrilling!  cowboyclap  I enjoyed it immensely, and found the last paragraph particularly...I'm looking for the right word.  Satisfying.  It hits the spot, allowing for a moment of reflection amidst the terrifying storm.  Well done!
 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:30 pm

Sister Grace-oops! I should have been clearer that it is Kid who doesn't feel the pleasure at the draw but only at the ease (his skill)-I always think of Heyes as the one who is grinning after Kid draws and tells the loser just how it's going to be, Kid taking care of business while Heyes just gets a kick out of watching it happen again and again. I'm speaking in general of course, not when he was facing someone like Danny or Briggs, but Kid had to always consider if the man he was facing was a killer like Danny and he just didn't know it yet.

I'm thinking of Heyes' marvelous grin in the barn with Jim Stokley or the random bar scenes throughout where Heyes' only concern is that a sheriff doesn't happen to be watching Kid do his draw. I love their pride in each other.

I had been thinking about how guns are a classic phallic symbol, and it struck me how that rush of adrenaline could apply in several situations. I did write it intending for it to be the start of a longer story, but it was done. And it's the sort of thing someone might muse on during a long ride, just that fragment, not the whole story. (I love reading whole stories but thus far prefer to write only segments of them!)

WR - You really built the suspense well, especially with this: “The rolling moonlight sea of clouds was building, boiling, rising, becoming a towering formation…. Sensing the impending wrath in the dark blackness ahead of them, the horses whickered, their ears flicking back and forth, as they twitched and hopped beneath their saddles.” And then with Howard’s hat skittering away. You used the various senses very effectively! It was nicely done too how you showed at the beginning that there really was no way for them to escape...except for some extreme event, which, in the plains, why not this?
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Thu Jun 22, 2017 9:00 pm

CANADA

Nebraska Wildfire
Great opening description, details put you right in the spot. Something about the way you delivered this line (The Kid looked over at his partner of many years. “Heyes?”) I could quite literally see Kid saying it. Love that you followed it right up with them doing a November robbery….good stylization. Really a cool description, (Heyes eyes glittered through the snowflakes sticking to his eyelashes) Really an intriguing story, you cranked the tension up good with the snow storm, enjoyed your dialogue immensely and your twist at the end gave me a well needed smile. Thanks for sharing.

Cornilia May
Enjoy the whole opening, the attentive sympathy Heyes has for the girl. You describe her fever as if you are one with experience…well done. It is a very nice start to a warm and charming tale. Thanks for sharing. Oh, also…this is a really great line, "Ha, your luck? More like our luck."





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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Yesterday at 8:37 pm

Finally found a little bit of time to comment on the challenges. Been a busy month with my business moving.


Wichita Red – Oh, a violent storm! Yep, those come up fast. I can’t even imagine galloping on a horse with your hands tied behind your back holding on to the cantle. And it’s not over… both guys are scared and with good reason. Good way to get away from the bad guys. Waiting for next month’s segment.

Nebraska Wildfire – Phew… it wasn’t hard for me to imagine how hot it was. We just finished nine days of over 100 degrees. Brrr… now you have the opposite temps going on. Seems if they’re having a string of bad luck with the weather. Always listen to the Kid if he feels you’re being watched or followed. Oh, interesting twist at the end. Very good!

Cornelia May – Oh, they’re still nursing the young Indian girl. Cute line – “We don’t speak Canadian.” Good thing the Kid found the ice. Interested to see where this story goes.

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PostSubject: Canada   Today at 4:50 pm

cac - For a short snippet of a scene it sure did give this Kidette mutiple points to ponder - the ease of the draw and the natural affable charm along with the potential serious consequences of his skill in both. The last sentence brought to mind the sensual draw of pleasure related to the confident bad boy. I don't know if you intended but I can picture this scene between Curry and Canada as a morning after demonstrations of both sides of Kid Curry.

WitchitaRed - A cataclysmic event was the only way Heyes and Curry were going to escape their very competent captors. I've spent most of my life on the midatlantic east coast where nature's fury is sporadic and usually not a severe as it is in other parts of the country. Your wonderfully descriptive writing made my senses prickle and my heart race right along with the partners at the sheer terror a twister must be out on the plains.

Nebraska Wildfire - Liked Heyes' response to Curry's complaining in Arizona. Good use of the Black Feet and I especially liked the ending with both parties got something they needed and The Black Feet leader one uppance.

Cornelia May - I'm glad you continued this story. It's somewhat of a twist to see Heyes so involved with a child as that's usually Curry's role but it comes across very natural and he seems to be emotionally invested in her future. For the time being Heyes is taking good care of the girl and we shall have to wait for another installment to her fate.
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