Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17

"A lot packed into short story" Yeah, do you think too much? Anyone feel free to comment. This is story #4, and I was trying for more of an actual story rather than just a scene or two. Plot this time over characterization and symbolism or a simple scene. I feel like I should have made it longer or shorter, not this in-between, maybe? I ended up being less interested in Stokley and more in the staircase :) So funny how what you think you are going to write about isn't necessarily what you write about!

Marvellous story, Cac, from start to finish. Very interesting take on how the boys first met, and on how they left the Home. It all fitted in.
I like the way you managed to convince us that Stokeley was good at heart in spite of how he tried to take the boys in. Fascinating story of the staircase! Really good story.

cac - It is funny how stories evolve in a different direction once you start the actual writing. It happens to me all the time.

No I didn't think there was too much plot for the story, although, I wouldn't mind if the story had been expanded. Many writers start with an abridged (if you are old enough - I liken it to the Readers Digest Abridged volumes) for the story challenge and then fill it later. You had all the complete elements of the story, including a good characterization of Jim Stokely who was basically a good guy in a bad situation - sort of like two ex-outlaws who a good men with a little bad in them (or bad men with a lot of good in them). I would like a little more about the significance of the stair case. The connection between the first meeting of Heyes and Kid, which was a little different than most, and the end was also a nice touch and tied the story up nicely.

Thank you for the responses! I think I will expand it after letting it sit a bit so I have fresh eyes.

I'm not sure the staircase has significance other than it is part of the justification for the sheriff not wanting a gunfight in the church either-it's just a vivid memory, and since the boys were going to SF with Jim, I wanted to put it in. But I'm not sure that's a good enough reason for it to be there.

A student at school had injured himself "down there" and was curled up in the hall with his friend standing over him snickering. How bad is it that that reminded me of the fight scene between Jim and Kid with Heyes standing near Kid, arms folded, sort of snickering? Heh, that's how that started this. I liked the idea of how while Kid had the advantage of helping Heyes get settled in the Home, it was Heyes with the ideas, setting up the natural partnership.

Penski gave me some good suggestions too about transitions and using description, so I might add that in as well.

One thing I'm enjoying about writing is that you can keep playing with it, again and again. It's a fluid thing.

Thanks!!

FRAGILE...

YAHOO… Maz wrote a challenge! It’s been too long. Ouch! Nothing is as fragile as waking up with a hangover. Okay, maybe a few things are, but not many. Love the visual of Heyes in long johns trying to get up. Wait, Maz has the Kid clothed and Heyes in his underwear? I feel sorry for those who are shooting their guns. Hope they have a good reason for doing so. Cute challenge, Maz!

THE WALL...

Alias Alice – Awww… I loved this sweet story!  The children sound so realistic.  I can see Jed helping them shore up a wall for the sand castle.  Nice to know Heyes and family are close by.  Sad that Jed and daughter are alone, but maybe not for long.  

Cac – Curious what you meant by “I didn’t follow fanon although I did canon.”  The meeting of the boys was unique – I liked it.  I got confused with the names in the story of the youth.  You used Jed/Thaddeus and Joshua.  Is that because they’re telling Stokely the story so used their alias names?  The Kid sure did like Jim Stokely – they could have been partners.  (hmm… What if when Pete died, they killed Heyes and brought in Stokely as a partner for the Kid.  Would that have worked?)  Stokely’s story of a kid from a good family going bad was very plausible.  Heyes shot him?  I do love showing that Heyes is a good shot, too, even though he usually let’s his partner do the shooting.  That was very silly of Stokely, but desperate men do desperate things.  I like them hiding in the church and being able to escape.  I had to google image the Loretto Chapel staircase – it’s beautiful and almost seems like a ribbon.  I always love a missing scene – enjoyed how you continued this episode.

Penski-fanon that I've read pretty universally has them knowing each other as kids pre-Home, cousins or not. Most also has them at the Home for a decent period of time, not the few weeks or less that I have it. I don't disagree with the other approaches; I just wanted to experiment with an alternate and think about if it would fit their current relationship, personalities, and values. I didn't really delve into that in the story, but I thought about it.

I wondered about the name thing being confusing too, but yes, exactly, "Jed" was to signify that it was pre-outlaw (obviously since they are at the Home) and "Thaddeus" and "Joshua" was to signify that it was a story being told to someone who didn't know who they are. I switched it, but then it would have been a definite problem to use Jed/Han/Heyes when Stokely knows them as Th. and Joshua. But...I don't mind making the reader briefly wonder (like "Kid" and the dress last month) but I don't want to confuse! Hmmm.

Yeah, it was discussed over on the Collections board about bringing in Stokely instead of replacing Pete with Roger. I'm a fan of that-give Kid a new partner that we've already met and liked. I think it would have worked better. There were some really good discussions about this episode over there.

And even though I'm ALL about the Kid, I like messing with the stereotypes that we've sort of stuck them in. It was easy here to give Heyes the action since the Kid had a blind spot about Jim. I like missing scenes too! And you can see why that staircase stuck in my memory these 30+ years :) It's described as a helix as well.

Maz: Fragile: I love the parallel experiences, starting with the parallel sentences of what Heyes is doing. Such vivid writing in a short segment for each. BUT I have a bone to pick - you promised “naked outlaw flesh” but I still got long-johns and full clothes. Nuh-uh. Long-johns is not naked. And Kid apparently even went to bed with his gun on, so he wasn’t even “nekkid!”

Alias Alice: the Wall: What a great line: ““PleaseCanIPlay,” she gabbled at the boy in one breath, not looking at him.” That so captures childhood conversations, and I love that verb, “gabbled” as well as how you ran her question all together.

I love how the mom has a female version of the magic saddlebags ☺

And this: ‘“Does he know everything?”
“Probably,” said Kid.’

There’s sarcasm there but also appreciation for his friend ☺

Alias Alice - I like the setting for your story on a beach... I saw some photos of a San Francisco sea front (late 19th c.) with an Hotel on top of the cliffs... everyone but the children fully clothed ...including hats and watch chains! Love the idea of a suited and booted Kid getting down in the sand to help shaw up the walls of the children's sandcastle.  I found the references to Uncle Heyes equally endearing. The lady of the story was nicely drawn... I too loved the Mary Poppins like bottomless bag. I like that she is so obviously intelligent and interested in Kid, but is aware that Kid has put up walls around himself and that she will have to tread carefully...
This definitely has legs and was a very good read.  Also thanks for the visit to the seaside in February!

cac -  “Nuts!” - naughty but apt lol... poor Hannibal, I think him being picked on by the home bully would be a real possibility ... liking his "... I’m gonna kill him.” Oh yes, that's the future Heyes. I too got a little banjaxed with the use of Thad and Josh, but quickly caught on and it added to my intrigue. The parallel to an adult Heyes, standing over a battered Kid, wasn't lost on me either... made the scene in the episode seem more understandable somehow. I too love missing scenes and this fitted in well.  The episode ends with them off to collect a lot of money... this gets them re set for their next adventure... broke again! All in all another very enjoyable read with lots of new thought and ideas introduced around the way they met and their dealings with Jim Stokely. Oh and I'm googling the staircase.  I like your "new partner for Kid ideas" too.. personally, I just wish Roger could have come in as another Heyes / Curry cousin gone bad... trying to go good... maybe it was in the genes!

Maz - Fragile - Maz wrote a challenge! Yeh!  I for one don't care which challenge you post in...its the stories not the pole that get my attention.
This looked like a poem or a song on the page... the refrain BANG! BANG! BANG! beating like a drum. You gave me two ...fragile outlaw leaders... thank you for the long johns.. bare feet... NO HENLEY! mmmmmmmmmm

Kid .. fully clothed????... I'm going with lots and lots of buttons still undone.... the story left me to finish that rush out of doors.... I'm seeing a couple of new raw recruits about to find out just how bad our pretty good bad men can get!

Alias Alice - I love your version of a post amnesty Kid and Heyes! The children were so sweet and I can just see Kid sitting there helping them with their sand wall. Also liked knowing Heyes was still close by too. This could easily be turned into a longer story or even a series, either of which I would definitely be interested in reading!

Cac - That's the first time, (that I remember), reading of the boys meeting in that way. I could see Heyes being picked on by a bully; he was new, he was probably small, and he enjoyed reading. But I also liked that his future self showed in that he ended up getting the better of the boy. I could also see Heyes having to be the one to shoot this time. Kid felt completely safe around Stokely. I was wondering how he knew who they really were. Very interesting story!

Aww thank you everyone for the lovely comments. It was great to write a challenge again. Oh and the naked flesh was...bare feet. You have to admit they were bare. :)

Hannah Heyes
What a truly amazing story. It was so original. I loved it. I loved the poignant and touching emotional aspect of the story. I loved the beauty of the descriptions of the sky. I loved the ironic humour - Han brushing the crumbs from his mouth as he disclaimed all knowledge of missing cookies, for example. And the Curry brother's comment to Hannibal about finding himself in jail, quickly followed by: "They"ll have to catch me first!" That still applies to Hannibal now he's grown up. Great story.

Is it just me, or have the stories been getting better and better lately? (Although they've always been good).

HannahHeyes - What a fantastic idea... walls of light! And you can get as scientific and nerdy as you like with your explanations ... I too love the science bit... I wish I knew how to post pictures on here... I've painted the Northern lights.. I used to have a painting page on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/juliamillerartist/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

Its in there somewhere... you have to scroll down a bit...

Loved your story this month. The opening was poetic and built a wonderful atmosphere. Had me guessing what it could be. Heyes' quiet demeanour set me up with a kind of dread... wasn't that night was it. The flashback, told by Heyes, with all the humour and portents to their future was fabulous. The picture of the two families settling in to watch the show... That's what made me think of the painting!... Had me in tears Hannah... Very unusual for me!

Alias Alice.... I Know! must be something in the water.... and Maz back... we'll have Calico next... whoop whoop!

Alias Alice: What a pleasant interlude. I was afraid you had killed Heyes off, and was relieved that you hadn't. Even though he's not physically present in the story, he has a presence. Very enjoyable, quiet afternoon at the beach. And yes, he is handsome!

Cac: Too bad that friendship with Jim didn't work out. Thank goodness Heyes was alert! I've seen that chapel and that staircase, too. It is a good story, and you wove it into your story very well.

Hanna Heyes: How wonderful that everyone enjoyed the celestial event, even to having a picnic under the glowing lights. That would definitely be a special memory for any child. I love the references to Hannibal's mischievous qualities -- cookie crumbs on the lips, picking the lock.

Moulin P: Aw, so sad to forget all those wonderful things! I hope he gets his memory back soon.

Maz: Short, sweet and funny. I am left wondering which wall they're scaling, though.

Cornelia May: So sad to lose your spouse twice. Especially in that era, at age 60, you can feel like it's all over.

Hanna Heyes I have never seen the aurora borealis but your story sure makes me wish I could someday. It was a very creative interpretation of a "wall" and very visual both in terms of atmosphere and setting the scene. I liked your notes at the end. I'm fairly knowledgeable in the various sciences both academically and general interest but astronomy is one of those that I don't have any real indepth knowledge. It was nice to learn about the "Carrington Effect".

Moulin P - What a wall Heyes has hit in his mind and his life. The anxiety of Heyes and Mary was palpable. Lom was as steady as ever. Being a Kidette and from the East Coast - I would love to see Kid in Boston (lots of Irish in Boston).

]b]Maz[/b] - I am in awe of your gift for dialogue!!! the voices were so vivid in this little bantering scene playing in my head - thanks!

Cornelia May - Heyes in such despair is heartbreaking. It sounds as if his children will be a comfort for him when the newness of the loss ebbs.

Little Bluestem here. I have been terribly remiss the last couple of months -- greedily reading the challenge entries, but not leaving any awestruck comments. All taking and no giving. Sorry! I won't attempt to catch up, but I will post my comments re: "The Wall" and then will try to keep up going forward! I also want to mention, I haven't read anyone else's comments yet, so as not to be unduly influenced. But I shall do so after posting. (The comments are usually almost as fun to read as the stories!)

And no entry from me again. "The Wall" just keeps making me think of He Who Shall Not Be Named... Not that one, the new one...Okay, sorry! No politics! Just awestruck comments!

So here goes:

nm131 -- Now that was an original take, starting out with "The Three Little Pigs"! I think your allusions are spot on. Kid's walls are always falling down and Heyes is indeed the sensible pig, with those impermeable brick-and-mortar walls surrounding his vulnerable heart!

But Lydia managed to break in! Good for her and Good for HH to experience a little heartbreak. And here is Kid Curry, The People's Philosopher, to the rescue. The Kid is a deep thinker -- his partner doesn't always give him credit for that, so it is nice to see him consoling Heyes so sweetly. And such true and immortal words you have him quote -- and by the way, thanks for the history lesson! I always thought they had been written about a lover, not a friend. And some nice references at the end -- I appreciate a writer who does her homework!

Hope our boy Heyes will let another "big bad wolf" blow his walls down eventually.

Nice story, nm131!

Wichita Red --

So the saga continues! Billy finally gets his -- and he certainly deserves to be taken down several pegs for his arrogance!

But oh, no! Has he taken one of our heroes down with him? Thank goodness  -- and the competent doctor -- that he is going to be okay. But eight weeks! What torture for The Pacing One to have to lie in bed for such a long time. Hope there's a library in town and that the Kid stocked up on a bunch of books for his poor partner. And speaking of poor partners, what a succession of unpleasant jobs Curry had to suffer through -- and how very clever that each one somehow involved a wall!! And just to underscore the theme of the story, as the Kid faces so many walls at work, Heyes has to stare at the same four walls while he recovers. Three more weeks! Will they make it? (Of course they will!)

Another well-written entry in your continuing story. Such lovely descriptions.

Cal -- I think I have read the longer story this is part of -- it has a ring of familiarity. And you're right; it fits the "wall" theme perfectly: a way through the WALL in the canyon and a WALL of water. And of course, the best is the "Hole in the Wall." I assume you are alluding to Butch Cassidy's gang and hide-out, seeing as the story of "our" boys was inspired by his true story. Handy to have a "back door" that nobody knows about.

I could picture the whole area through your vivid descriptions.

Great work!

Alias Alice: Awwww. So sweet! A post-amnesty Kid as a daddy of a little girl. Loved this version of the future, even though poor Kid is a widower. But it looks like romance is on the horizon. Loved all the parts about "my Uncle Hannibal" and how little Marianne has learned so much from his stories. My favorite set of lines:

"Does he know everything?"

"Probably."

Funny and true! This is a beautiful story, with literal walls of sand being shored up and metaphorical walls around hearts perhaps falling away and giving our Kid a second chance at love.

Thanks for a happy story, AA!

cac -- A nice follow-up to the Jim Stokely story. That trip to Santa Fe was always full of possibilities! And the story of Wayward Walter was a nice peek into our heroes' childhood. But wait, what's this? Our Jim is turning on his pals for money! Tsk, tsk. But I suppose blood is thicker than water, and his sister is in financial trouble. Sorry, Jim, I don't forgive you. And the Kid always liked you so much, too.

Sanctuary in the Loretta Chapel! What an interesting historical tidbit! I had to look it up, of course, and I saw pictures of the beautiful yet mysterious staircase. Now I would like to visit Santa Fe just to see it. Glad HH and KK stumbled into a place of mercy.

Nice work~

HannaHeyes -- A "wall" of light: The Aurora Borealis! How beautifully you describe it. You must have seen it for yourself at some time to be able to describe it so vividly. I can picture it from your description, I really want to see it for myself! It is on my "bucket list" for sure! (I'll settle for the Aurora Australis if need be...)

At first I was skeptical, thinking it far-fetched that the Northern Lights would ever have been visible as far south as Kansas, but then I read your footnote. Gotta love a science freak! I had never heard of the Carrington Event. So of course, I had to look it up and read all about it! How cool that it happened to occur during our boys' boyhood so you could use it for your story to such great effect. How interesting it will be in this technology-dependent age if we ever experience a similar event...

Very well-written, both the present events and the flashback. Nicely done!

MoulinP -- Now this is an interesting future! I think I have read at least one other story in this "universe." Are there more somewhere? I would particularly love to read the story of how the Kid met and wooed Caroline Fairfield, the Railroad Heiress! That has got to be a great story!

But now poor Heyes has amnesia! Very well-written. Good characterization and some humor, too. I like how you have him learning about his recent life and himself though his own writings. I would pay good money to read his two books, "Tales of an Outlaw" and "Hard to Go Straight"! He doesn't seem overly concerned about getting his memory back, which tells me he will, with the help of his loving wife and children. (When Heyes makes  up his mind, not much can stop him!)

Would love to read more in this post-amnesty future!


Maz - Short and sweet and, as always, the dialogue is spot on. I believe your entry could be described the way scientists and engineers describe an ideal solution to a problem: Elegant! ("An Elegant Solution is one in which the maximum desired effect is achieved with the smallest, or simplest effort.")

Nice!  

Cornelia May-- Awww, a sad story for Heyes! Burying his beloved second wife. Lily. Can't imagine having to go through something so hard not only once but twice! But it looks like his partner's still in the picture, so that's a good thing. And his children will help him, too. Wait a minute! His daughter is named Cornelia! Clever of you to put yourself into the story. And heck, he's only 60! I bet he's still quite handsome and will have no trouble snagging Wife #3. Another great entry for "The Wall."

1) Maz

Okay, Maz… you do know there is kinda an implicit rule – post on the right month, huh?  

Ah, the queasiness of overindulgence.   Not that I know it personally, of course.    Cruel, cruel, Kid.  Nearly as bad as offering the punitively runny egg.  


2) NM

Hello there bandanny winner!!  Have you been modelling the neck ware about time.   Oh, Kid – are you really as susceptible as HH thinks to those feminine wiles.  I guess the kidettes hope so.    Oh, sniffle… Kid consoling himself that ‘he was adored, once, too…’



3) WichitaRed

Heyes has been hit??!!   The angst of Heyesian fingernails being chewed.   Darling Kid considers a job as a brickie to pay the bills while Heyes convalesces?  Lovely.  Oh course, he only considers it for a moment…  But he paints a wall, stocks a wall, frames a wall…  Loving HH so eager for Kid to come home for a little conversation.  



4) Cal


You have me all intrigued, Cal, what is this sound the horses are being protected from?   Ah, they are being led under a waterfall…
Are you having a little Hole in the Wall joke???  Snicker.  Very subtle.



5) Alias Alice

If only there were some tiny plot clue as to what might happen to Max’s lovely widowed Mum and the sadly widowed Kid as they watch their children bond…
Smile.
Of course Uncle Hannibal knows everything!! It is known!




6) Cac

Oh Heyes, don’t try and electrocute the other orflings – even if they are mean.  It only leads to trouble.
Poor Jim – I guess if his sister was in trouble turning the boys in would be very tempting.
You make me want to see the staircase, Cac.




7) HannaHeyes

Are we seeing the Northern Lights?  Lucky boys.   So, Heyes’ Pa does his best thinking at night too??   Oh – sniff – they wave to their families.
Wow!  So they got seen as far south as the Caribbean in 1859??  I never knew that.  Interesting stuff.    [A– a very well used real event.]


.

8) MoulinP


Intriguing.  So, has Heyes gone back in time in his head?    Loving HH reading episodes and finding them familiar.    



9) Maz


Have you got the right month this time?   Then let’s begin.

Loving HH suffering in silence.  As he would.
And Kid offering to watch Heyes’ back.
Very nice twosome, Maz.



10) Cornelia May

Ah, Lily drown on the Titanic, huh?    Poor Heyes.  But, he does have family.

MoulinP - Great idea to have us see Heyes revert back to outlaw leader - dealing with his post amnesty world. And you do it so well... very convincingly. What would it be like to be told you run a hardware store with a wife and family, if you were the Hannibal Heyes? Poor Heyes no wonder he's taking a lot of convincing... lovely read ...if a little light on Kid-ness for my taste... I too need to know how he ended up in Boston..... more reading for me then. I liked the allusion to the wall ...as a metaphor between his past self and his present self... good take on the prompt.

Maz - Another one! - I have them in the dark outside Armendiras' (can't imagine how that is spelt sorry) place.  Your dialogue is spot on...guess you've had a little practice. I could see them enjoying this bit of slapstick ... think they excelled at physical humour... thank you for the daft wall related interlude... enjoyed it immensely. One query... wasn't Pete taller than Ben?  Mind you ...first adjective I reach for for Kid Curry?....tall... strange that. Favourite lines...“That’s because I suffer in silence.”  ... “Huh!”

Nelia - After the Titanic trip right? The fragile wife hasn't made it. How awful for Heyes, a second marriage cut short. Sixty is nothing now but back then it must have seemed a great age.. glad you have placed Uncle Jed at his side.

Penski - Oh this was a difficult read... I don't like brutality, and that cell sounded brutal... Sounded something akin to the way circus animals were treated before we all became a bit more aware of other sentient species.  But... I liked the rescue.  I could picture all the action.  I liked the Bounty Hunter hugging reprisal... loved that silly scene... so thank you for bringing it to mind again.  I thought the pictures at the end were very telling... it was in fact a more brutal time. Well done.

Penski: Even though it's fiction and all that, this is a good illustration of what happens when the justice system is allowed to run amuck. Heyes was an American, but he was not given the rights that are guaranteed to Americans under the Constitution and the legal system. Lucky for him he had a friend to help him escape. I wonder, also, would a conviction, even if arrived at under suspicious and dubious conditions, have disqualified him from any kind of amnesty? There's a longer story here, if you want it!

RA-"I wonder, also, would a conviction, even if arrived at under suspicious and dubious conditions, have disqualified him from any kind of amnesty?" That's a good question.

HH:
LOVE this and need to quote it again even though someone else did too: “turquoise shadows waving across the room's door and walls like moonlight on water”
My husband is leaving in 2 days for a bucket-list trip with his brothers to see the aurora in Fairbanks. Yes, I’m happy for him but also jealous ☺ He’ll love that simile too!

I love all of Han’s questions before his father finally says to just enjoy the show for now. Perfectly captured childhood and a good parent.

You had so much fun with so much-
…slingshot on the bedpost….
… "You're goin' to be in jail for breakin' and enterin' by the time you're twelve.” And all the rest of that older brother discussion!

MoulinP:
I’m fond of Heyes’ Henley too ☺
I love this: “It sounded idyllic but it had hit a sore spot. It was a desire that he kept firmly and deeply buried.” And then, it was true. That’s wonderful and graceful insight.

Reading his book, giving him back the memories! What a creative idea!

Maz:
Now THIS is how the serious bantering should have gone down in “High Lonesome Country.” Sigh.

Cornelia May:
Your Heyes quote at the bottom is particularly apt for this story: "The only thing in life you have to earn is love, everything else you can steal."

Penski:
Man, you jump right in, don’t you? It makes me feel that cold metal on my neck, the suddenness of it.

Is it bad that there’s a part of me really impressed with Sheriff Fife? I’d like to be that competent (although I'm of course very happy that Kid made the rescue! But if Fife had gone along, it might not have gone so smoothly).

Oh Rosieeeee Annieeeee.....I am hoping for a close-to-the-wire entry for this month's "in Winter" installment!

Penski - That transport cell looks mighty uncomfortable and exposed with the 4 walls without being enclosed by more walls. Good thing Kid showed up when he did. I would think that Heyes had a good case for a mistrial in this circumstance. One thing that I could not banish from my mind was the humor (not sure if it was intentional) in the sheriff named Fife - all I could picture of the entire time I read story was Don Knots as Barney Fife as the (promoted?) sheriff, not of Mayberry, but of St Elmo. Nice use of an historical artifact.