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Penski
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Tue May 29, 2018 1:23 pm

I did write more where the Kid arrived at the meeting place not happy with Heyes' grandeous plan - he almost got shot and had a posse on his trail.  Heyes told him he didn't follow his plan - set off the dynamite too late.  Just a few minutes - Kid was mad.  Both leaders were mad at each other.  I did have Wheat getting in the middle of them saying they got the money... BUT I decided to stop at the exchange where the sheriff and deputy decide it had to be a coincidence both banks being robbed by two different gangs because outlaws just aren't that smart to rob both at same time.  I wasn't sure how to end the exchange with the partners being mad at each other.  

writing

Glad it came across how cocky and arrogant Heyes was becoming.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Tue May 29, 2018 8:11 pm

Remuda - Love a story when I can learn something, too.  Thanks for the history lesson at the end of the challenge.  Liked how optimistic Heyes was, even when there were few coins jingling in their pockets.  Leave it up to the Kid to find a challenge he might be good at.  I agree with Heyes - sometimes you don't have to win it all.  Loved it!  thumbsup

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PostSubject: setting Targets   Wed May 30, 2018 12:47 am

Remuda - I too appreciated the history side of your challenge.  It would gal a gunslinger like Kid Curry to loose to a musician.  I could hear Kid saying "musician" with real distaste.  I also like the depiction of the struggle to survive an itinerant life in tough economic times.  The shotgun trap shoot was genius ... not a gunslingers choice I'm sure, but a good shooting challenge for the Kid.  Of course he'd want to win that, I'm surprised he listened to Heyes on this one.  Great take on the prompt.

Penski... You could always take it further someplace else.  Sometimes its really hard to edit down to challenge size when there's so much going on.  I'd love to read an extended version.  Gave me a VS idea.... a prequel season... Outlaw days.... I don't suppose that's an original idea panda
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:38 am


1) Maz

It is my very occasional whine… I mean wine – buddy.
Big hugs from all of us, Mizz Maz.

LOVING the we need to aim higher joke. Snirt.

Is this … is this how THE hat got some of its tattiness??
What a perfect, perfect short. Duck!! Duck, Heyes.




2) Nightwalker

Hello Nightwalker!!! Do we have a newbie to the challenge?? Welcome.

Ah, so Jed is scheming to get his big brother to teach him the fast draw, huh?

Han drowned a pussy cat? My lip wobbles. My whiskers twitch.

So, this is where Kid learnt his good gun cleaning habits? Nice. Awwwww. Awwww. I like childhood stories. Dear, dear little Jed.


3) Cal

A hairdown? Presumably where you – let your hair down? Kid is trick shooting, huh?

Horse liniment will do you good, Heyes! Everyone knows horse liniment beats people liniment hands down. Snirt. I like the chatty Sherriff very much.


4) Nebraska Wildfire


Like the ambiguous ending in that two hander Nebraska. Heyes thinks he’s convinced the Kid – but, are we so sure. And he wants to outdo Big Jim’s record – very believable.


5) Penski


Hello there VS mistress!!

What lucky outlaws they are!! Two, count ‘em, two banks to choose from. Both??!! Should have guessed. One of our boys in charge of each bank.

And we have the term: “Synchronise your watches…” With the DHG. Oh, okay, Kyle is not one of the watches.

It worked!! Good heavens.

That had a real feel of the pilot, Penski. Smile.


5) Remuda

It is one of our bandanny winners!! Wave that yella flag.

Short of funds again. Always a good starting point for our two boys. How to spend it – loving the discussion.

OOOOh, now is Kid good with a shotgun?? Kid is shooting off for first place with a – a musician?? He’s not impressed is he? That was Sousa?? How interesting. I never knew that. Clever stuff.


6) MoulinP

The end of the cheese wheel saga? Good stuff, slurps tea. .


The Red Sash gang – sounds dangerous. Awww, they saved Chad. Loving the arguments over Heyes’ several aliases as he recognised under two names.

And we get the “Hannibal Heyes and whatisname” tradition being used, as is only right.

It’s a great and convoluted plot, Moulin.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Sat Jun 02, 2018 9:36 am

Maz – What a wonderful story. Each of the boys doing what he does best in his spare time - one practicing the other scheming. The Kid seems to be cursed to be distracted. I liked the pictured description of the surroundings, it made it easy to imagine the scene.

Another fine part for me was the conversation between Heyes and Kyle. Not an easy task to reign the keen mind in, to keep it simple and become understandable for poor Kyle.

It’s absolutely Heyes to get an inspiration instead of the expected flashback when he's got a near-death experience ... Is that a reason why he comes up so often with outrageous plans - ‘cause he’s so often in danger?

I would have loved to read more about their escape, but I have to admit, I understand your decision. To end a story where the boys are mad at each other wouldn’t fit, to get them straight again could have turned out to be more voluminous and might have disturbed the good balance of the story.

Cal – A complaining Heyes along with an annoyed Kid? Heyes first tells him, he needs more practice and interrupts him every second? Worked well. I can almost hear the boys and my heart goes for the Kid this time. Heyes can really be a pest.

Great idea to foist Heyes horse liniment. His own fault – if he wouldn’t always know better than everyone else, he just might have asked.

Nebraska Wildfire – I needed some time to get used to the storyline written in first person perspective, but I liked it a lot.

You captured the relationship between Heyes and the Kid very well. Their different positions about the topic and the way they argued, was very convincing for me.

Very interesting too, was the insight into Heyes’s self-perception.

Penski – The idea to hide in Laramie directly under the eyes of the law sounds definitely like Heyes logic. You started with a very nice entry scene that captures the atmosphere very well.

I liked the way you caught the characters of the boys including the discussion of Heyes hair-raising plan.

Remuda – Interesting to see the boys broke in a city and pondering how to get along. I’m always interested about historical background and was glad I learned something new.

MoulinP – A really nice story, sad it was so short. I’ll look definitely look it up at Fanfiction.

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PostSubject: More Setting Targets   Tue Jun 05, 2018 3:10 pm

Remuda:  The Kid thinks the bank is looking “awful good”?  I’m glad they found another way, to give Heyes’ “backside a rest.”  I really like how this story shows both of them determined to continue their quest for amnesty, even if in very creative ways.  Makes me wonder exactly what they’d really find to do if they ever received it.  Would their lives really change?

MoulinP:  You had the boys in quite a precarious situation with a member of the Red Sash gang, a murderous poker player, and more!  Thank goodness they survived the accusations that they were Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry.  It does surprise me how many times they can convince lawmen and others that they just can’t be Curry and Heyes.  Are they just too nice to be outlaws?  A couple favorite lines:  “draggin’ a whimpering Chad” just put a vivid picture in my mind.  And “en-vi-rons” made me smile.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Tue Jun 05, 2018 6:35 pm

Getting in my May comments, before one of you eager beavers rushes in with a June challenge.

Mistress Maz: Kyle is just a little literal-minded, isn't he? Frustrating for Heyes, and very funny for us. A couple prescient lines are my favorites: "No, Kyle, we should be aiming higher.”
“You want us to shoot over the passengers’ heads?”  Well, better that than shooting someone's hat!

Nightwalker: Don't all little boys like to mimic their older brothers? And this little boy has a brother who's got plans, and needs to shoot well to accomplish them. I'm wondering what those plans are?

Cal: I love the idea of using horse liniment. Why not? I can just see our boys' expressions in this story.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Wed Jun 06, 2018 12:22 pm

Continuation.

Nebraska Wildfire: Nice dialogue. I think you have their personalities and viewpoints described well here.


Penski: Clever! And yeah, if I had Wheat and Kyle, I'd need another drink of whiskey, too. And, by the way, I've been to a saloon called the  Bucket of Blood, but that one was in Virginia City.


Remuda: When I saw the title was "The March King" I first thought of an Easter rabbit with a crown. I was wrong! It just goes to show that a little bit of knowledge about someone (Sousa) can be the bunny for an interesting story.


Moulin P: Terrific conclusion to your story. I hadn't thought much about Heyes using the Carlton Balfour alias more than the one time, but it makes sense that he would do so.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Wed Jun 06, 2018 1:55 pm

Maz - I'm happy to see a challenge from you this month. So that's how that hole got in Heyes' hat. Loved the last line. Priceless!


Nightwalker - Oh, Mrs. Miller's poor cat! Your challenge was bittersweet, knowing what the future would hold for them. I appreciate your research on the weapon and the facts you included. I really enjoyed this story.


Cal - Heyes should know better than to interrupt the Kid when he's shooting. I'll bet that horse liniment would work well on Heyes' shoulder too. Nice challenge, Cal. I look forward to reading the longer version.


Nebraska Wildfire - I like the way you've written this, speaking as Heyes and sharing his thoughts. I also like that Curry feels it is his job to point out the flaws in Heyes' plans. Good challenge!


Penski - I really liked the closing lines of this. Outlaws aren't that smart? Well, one could argue this plan wasn't all that smart but, hey, it worked! Very enjoyable challenge.


Remuda - Your story remix certainly does fit the prompt well. A wonderful read. Very nice!


Moulin P - Congrats on finishing your mystery and posting it on fanfic! I'll look forward to reading it now that it's complete. Clapping!

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PostSubject: Breakfast   Sun Jun 10, 2018 7:02 pm

Cal:  Such a good start for the month!  You had me in the story immediately.  I loved the description of the saloon, the exhaustion from the robbery, the details of those shot and killed.  Very gritty.  And of course I was thinking which one of them it was who thought he could plan a job better...  You caught me with that one, but I really liked how it turned out.  Great story.
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PostSubject: Breakfast   Mon Jun 11, 2018 12:15 am

Nightwalker - wow ... we both came up with origin stories...."How they met...", and both in a bar....well I guess that shouldn't surprise us lol2 .... but you choose Kyle and I choose Wheat... How brilliant is that!

Love Kyle's demeanour, unsure, wanting to be where people are, but not feeling like he fits in.  The gloss he puts on Heyes is really hero worship from the first.  I bet if Heyes or Kid told us what actually happened that night, it wouldn't be half as showy.  But I think Kyle always looks for a hero.... he follows Wheat around like a beat dog in the series half the time.  Excellent characterisation.  I really enjoyed Heyes' use of "the good stuff"... such a fun echo of Kyle's future self... and Heyes' quick witted foresight to see how Kyle could fit right in and be real useful with the dynamite. Well he is a genius. 

I think your use of the prompt "Breakfast" was more logical than mine.... Breakfast on Monday morning sounds like a good place to start a new career... My use of it ...Kid suggesting "Breakfast?" to a gambling Heyes at nearly sundown... was meant to be irony on his part.... but it got the job done.  

Now... are we going to continue these tales?
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:06 am

Cal – I was pretty surprised when I read your story and noticed we had similar ideas. Call it fate that each of us chose one of that team ;-)

I really loved your story and its setting. You captured the characters and the atmosphere wonderful. It was great to slip inside Wheat’s head for one time. I liked it too, that you left the identity of the narrator open at first.

I’m not sure if I could get deep enough into Kyle’s character to write more about him, but time will tell. Maybe we should join and write a story about their first meeting together someday? Or each of us in another perspective? Could be fun ;-)

I’m not quite sure if my writing abilities would allow it, but you only know of what you’re capable, when you try it, right?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Mon Jun 11, 2018 3:38 pm

Too funny that both of you wrote near identical stories and both in the first person!


Cal – That’s crazy that you opened a book to an 1880 challenge in the book!  Great description at the beginning.  You had me guessing who the rider was.  It’s Wheat!  Oh, and this is how he’ll get introduced Heyes and Curry.  Sounds like a robbery that went really bad – he’s lucky he survived.  Me thinks he’s in for a surprise after breakfast.  Loved it.


applause


Nightwalker – I can see Kyle needing to be social and not liking being all alone.  What a recruitment Heyes is pulling.  Anyone who thinks “twas a lotta fun with all the dynamite!” must be a tad loco.  And Kyle is hired!  Very good challenge.

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PostSubject: Breakfast   Tue Jun 12, 2018 3:30 pm

Nightwalker:  A perfect story as a companion to Cal’s!

I really liked how you portrayed Kyle, and his voice.  Some of the lines I liked:
Cradling the mug in my hands I stretched it out, just to stay a mite longer and have a nice talk with others.
Yeah. ‘twas nice an’ cozy but my Ma died an’ the boss had told me leave. Was here an’ there. Doing this an’ that.
‘Twas a lotta fun with all the dynamite!

And with that last line, Heyes sees opportunity, doesn’t he?

I also like how you protrayed Heyes at this stage in their lives, bigger than life, almost like a carnival barker.  Come and run away to Devi’ls Hole boys!

Such a fun story!  Thanks for sharing!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Tue Jun 12, 2018 4:08 pm

Nebraska Wildfire - ANOTHER first person story this month.  That's three for three.  I fear I will be eventually breaking the mold as I don't write first person very well.  What a lovely visual you gave us waking up with Kid Curry!  I could even imagine my fingers running down his back to his... and watching him dress.  sigh!  Glad the Kid has his priorities - Heyes and breakfast.  Loved it! thumbsup

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PostSubject: breakfast   Tue Jun 12, 2018 10:14 pm

Nebraska Wildfire - What a treat... Couldn't sleep so I got up early ....and...woke up with  Jedediah Curry.... Can't bring myself to call him Kid in this one...Yet.
 You painted quite a picture for us.  The lovely warm caressing hug of dream love and security... and then the harsh reality of his real life... what was the word you used... "sliced" ... Doesn't that just cut through everything and bring him back to being Kid Curry again.
  I'll join you in Kid's head anytime.... thanks again for the truly wonderful awakening....now.... I need breakfast!
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PostSubject: Breakfast   Wed Jun 13, 2018 11:58 pm

Remuda:

I love the stories that are just dialogue, but paint such a lovely picture of our boys. Kind of like Seinfield? A story about nothing, but the boys enjoying life, in spite of sneezes. Heyes can sometimes be just so darn annoying, can't he, Kid?

My favorite line:

“Nope, that’s your job, Kid. I do the planning, you do the watching.”
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PostSubject: Breakfast   Thu Jun 14, 2018 7:01 am

Remuda - Saddle Talk; Blessings

Poor Kid with the sneezing.  He did have a run in with Pneumonia in that cabin all winter.  I think he did well to hold his temper as long as he did with Heyes goading him with blessings... or not... like that Laughing He did get a cure I suppose so I may forgive the dimpled one. Can't beat a bit of banter between the partners, and this was one of their more ridiculous little interludes.... I enjoyed that...not sure if Kid would agree.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:57 pm

Getting an early start on June stories.

Cal: I love this. Yeah, I'd be right shook up, too, if I'd had a close call like that. What I really like here is how you show Wheat's thought processes, seeing easy pickings, and no, I don't need anyone to do my thinking for me. As we all know, he does.

Nightwalker: I don't see too many stories from Kyle's viewpoint. I love it when someone takes on an original viewpoint like you did here. I love the line: "he went upstairs with two of them girls." Two!! Another very enjoyable story.

Nebraska Wildfire: This is what I'd call an interlude -- just a few minutes in the life. The part I like best here is: I turned to see a halfway honest look on her face. “I heard you boys were flush.” Her hand spread down the small of my back to my bare bottom. A smile that didn’t reach my eyes crossed my face as I turned away from her." That's insight into character, and a clear view of what's happening in that moment. Short, yes, but exactly the right size to describe this moment. Well done.


Remuda: It's been a while since anyone's done a little saddle talk. As usual, you have a great ear for conversation and how character shows in that conversation. It's also a good description of why I prefer tissues to a handkerchief.


Chelseagirl: In my imagination, I can see Curry's expression as he looks at the spread Sandy has laid out. And that sample last line, almost all in single syllable words: "We watched them ride away." So short, so simple, and so powerful. The story brings us to that simple closure, and makes that short sentence a gut-wrencher.


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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Wed Jun 20, 2018 1:04 pm

Remuda – It’s been a while since we had a Saddle Talk.  Poor Kid!  I felt the same way mowing the lawn and stirring up dust.  Not a dainty sneeze but a deep Aaaachoooo.  Cute how Heyes continues to bless the Kid after each sneeze.  Curry seems hard to please in this bantering.  Cute!


applause


Chelseagirl – Glad to see you’re writing a challenge.  Boy, did Sandy outdo herself to please her man!  She knows that the way to a man is through his stomach.  Sounds like Heyes and the Kid did their best to eat what she put before them.   Aww.. Good-byes are hard.  After eating all of that, I’m surprised they didn’t “watched them ROLL away.”  Definitely a breakfast kind of challenge!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:16 pm

Chelseagirl: I have to agree with RosieAnnie. The last line in your piece so succinctly sums it all up, and touched my heartstrings too. It is so evocative of the struggle of the boys’ lives. They just wanted some normalcy, to eat breakfast with their family, yet none of them are normal. They are all extraordinary, aren’t they?
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Sat Jun 23, 2018 6:51 am

Cal: Wow! You really got inside Wheat's head in a way I found believable. You managed to find a balance between Wheat's bluster and the reality of who he is.

Nightwalker: Kyle is my favorite, besides Heyes and Curry, and I liked what you did with him here. Heyes seemed super-energetic, almost manic, but he's young and arrogant and full of his early success. (And I liked the image of him with the two girls -- it seems we usually picture Curry more that way, but I'm completely sure Heyes had his moments, too.)

Nebraska Wildfire: Wow. This one is note-perfect. The Kid was having a good time with the saloon girl, but it's still a transaction, and he knows it. There's something oddly lonely there, which is balanced by the realness of his bond with Heyes.

Remuda: Could totally hear your dialogue in Pete's and Ben's voices, so you nailed it!

I'm touched that people especially liked my last line. It is the first line of a paragraph in the original story, but just stark and alone like that, it has a whole different impact.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:28 am

nm131 - You wrote excellent on how tense Heyes is waiting for his four-day late partner.  Love the optimism of ordering a big breakfast every morning in hopes that the Kid will show up for one.  And, of course, his partner does let him down.  Loved Heyes' thinking and these lines... "The law underestimates my marksmanship but they seriously underestimate my partner’s intelligence. And once again that worked to our advantage."  Wonderful challenge!  two thumbs

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Sat Jun 30, 2018 9:22 am

nm131: Fantastic story -- it really gave the sense of Heyes' tension waiting for the Kid to show up. The details were well thought through, and the sense of relief was palpable when Curry showed up. I agree with Penski that the reminder that Curry is also smart and Heyes can also handle himself with a gun is an important one. A story worth waiting for!

p.s. New Jersey represent! I live across the river, but I teach at a university in Newark.

Penski: Poor Kid, deprived of his breakfast! I know a number of people who are constitutionally incapable of sitting with their back to the door -- the Kid is cleverer, here, though.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments 2nd Sept 17 to    Sat Jun 30, 2018 9:40 am

NM131: I love the picture of Heyes striving for normalcy, and the stories that get inside Heyes' head, which you've done very well here. My favorite part is this:" He’s dirty, haggard, and tired looking but there is a great big ole grin smirking at me, crumbs speckling his lips and decorating the faded blue shirt front as he stuffs the stolen biscuit into his mouth in one piece. One cheek puffs out like a chipmunk. Blood-shot blue eyes drop to the table, taking in the reading matter and the crummy smirk fades." I can see that so clearly!


Penski: Even breakfast can't deter Kid Curry from watching out for danger! And they had the horses ready, too. And finally, the ex-waitress in me is really impressed that they paid for the meal before they left.

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