Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17

Witchita Red: There's some really great imagery in this one that paints the mood and puts the reader in the story. I could just picture the Kid quietly watchful, alert to danger despite his relaxed pose and Heyes impatient with the delay. Nicely done.

Moulin P: Fun Christmas story! I especially love the gift selection and the gang getting into the spirit.

HannaHeyes: Boy, they were good at weaseling out of tight situations at an early age, weren't they? Loved each letter and its intent-more, better, and first in line, LOL!

MoulinP - I am perfectly happy, and more than capable, of suspending my disbelief....fire away.

Oh a festive outlaw offering....brilliant....I need a lift.  OK...why am I having difficulty seeing Heyes up to his elbows in suds....they had to clean dishes ....right? Makes me smirk though...loving Kid and Kyle's huge tree...I remember the pinch beck....this isn't going to end well...hehehehe....maybe he can visit as the dark stranger on New Years eve.....As always can see and hear this so clearly MoulinP....the presents!...a machine for cleaning his gun????? And a real Santa and an outlaw Elf.....that was a Christmas joy to read ....well done, thanks for the laughter. and Merry Xmas!

HannahHeyes ...Oh you got those voices so right....Hannibal comes over almost lecturing and Jed a warbling falsetto. Love the owning up...and the reminders about the unsuitability of clothes.....I sooo remember the disappointment of floppy presents! Love that Hann is already directing Kid's efforts... very entertaining....and apt for the season ....Merry Xmas!

Alias Alice      Early outlaw years and Jed not keeping up with the programme.....still living hand to mouth....I think this is a very interesting and fertile place to get stories written.  Those emotions are high, the skill set low...the risks unimaginable.  I felt the frustration and the anger of the two young male protagonists and I found it very believable.  Two sensitive intelligent young men aren't going to find robbing people sitting easy with them....how ever much they need the money.  I thought you may make this the time they split up for a while ....I'm glad you didn't.....I don't think this Jed has the confidence to go out there and build his reputation as a gunslinger yet....very good read ....as always with you....Merry Xmas!

CAL: TOMORROW
Really enjoying Kid in this one. He is just taunting his partner, knowing which buttons to push. Not so sure about ‘em calling the great bard, Shaky, but I suppose we shall have to let ‘em off with that one. And, the sad part, is all of us can not only clearly hear Heyes’ justified reasoning, but see the expression he is making, too. It really is killing him. Oh my, my and Charlie just tortures him more, poor, poor Heyes.

PENSKI: TOMORROW
Listening to Heyes I just felt the grin spreading across my face, sure as it was on the pair of trail weary outlaws….yes, “To the governor!”
WOW!------The Kid opened his eyes and winced in pain. At his side his partner lay unmoving. “Heyes?” He tried moving his arm, but couldn’t. “If there’s a tomorrow…” Kid Curry let the darkness overcome him.----- so you are going to write more, right? Your waiting for another prompt to take you forward, right? We need more, this was good and ya left us lying on the side of the road.

MOULINP: TOMORROW
Hmmmm, seems you and Penski were on the same thought train…or maybe coach. I can imagine they would feel incredibly nervous the night before. The whole what do we do now? Would be a terrible feeling in itself. Good point how the amnesty would also make them feel empty. They are turning away from all they have known and been, as exciting as that sounds, it is also quite the let down. Good capture of thoughts, here. I like the way you mention how running for amnesty was wearing them thin, especially with the way you describe Heyes. It is an interesting viewpoint, rarely mentioned. It is funny to thinking of them nesting, but than again, I can really see them getting into the whole idea of it. “Night Jed” “Night Han” What a great ending. Well, done. Thanks for the interesting read and share.

INSIDE OUTLAW: Under the Tree
Hmm, apparently we were on similar trains of thought… cottonwood trees that is. OH MY! But, yours is far darker. A hanging and it is Heyes. Eeeek do I want to read more. Well, of course, I do. Oh boy, this guy brings out all the dark sides to being an outlaw and takes away all the casual chivalry and wild abandon that we all love about the ideology of outlaws. Great descriptions on what Heys is feeling. I mean really good IO, I like the way you make the reader feel what Heyes is feeling. Okay, you have done this too well. The actual hanging felt horrific and made my gut clench. Thank goodness, Willard, was viscous and had set the knot to strangle rather than crack the neck. Like your line about (the rope had been severed and his partner had plummeted to the ground as the smell of cordite drifted from his gun barrel.) Good description on Curry’s reaction too. WOW! …so glad, you didn’t end it with Kid and Heyes riding off. That was so intense, I need a bit of easy reading afterwards. Boy, I bet you could have knocked Curry over with a feather, when Heyes stated, he wanted amnesty more than anything. Ha hahahah, “promise you aren’t gonna make me talk again for a while.” BRAVO outlaw, a really well created story with perfect intense details.



MOULINP: Under the Tree
Good descriptions of winter..the steamed up window, wading across the yard, the cold toes…
LOL like the image of Heyes been pummeled with the cold snow and can see him wriggling furiously.
LOL … a Christmas tree was the proud owner of a bunkhouse….I have had one of those trees.
LOL…more giggling from me, great fun…“Where did you get those?” Heyes squeaked, several octaves higher than his normal baritone.
LOLOLO..he swiveled around, bracing himself fo the laugher, and he wasn’t disappointed….just know he ain’t looking the dapper, handsome outlaw leader we know and love right now. But, I bet his brown eyes are sparking and that twisted grin is adorning his face. Thanks for creating such a great image.
I am laughing as hard as Kid…thanks, needed it after Inside Outlaws heart racing and breath holding tale.
LOL…oh love the thought of Kyle running around like a child, raising the whole gang, and luckily Kid is too good hearted to honestly shoot ‘em.
Heyes must have drunk a good deal the night before too, if ‘n he is handing out the look that much.
You had a good time thinking up the presents….very well done.
Yes, a very Merry Christmas. I traditionally do not like Christmas tales, but this was highly enjoyable. Thanks Moulin.



HANNAHEYES: Under the Tree
Okay, I am starting this letter and just know it has to be written by Hannibal. Who wlese would have an opening letter to Santa that was giving toy to clothing ratios. Then talking about the apple, Ole’ Mister attention to details. Yup, so a Hannibal letter. LOL and marking the fruit…that is great! Ooooh what a terrible child, he was. Amazing he even made it past childhood and I was right, it was from Hannibal.
Jed, is much more straight forward. LOL ….talked into doing things by his cousin, even at this quaint age. Cute little piece, thanks for sharing. Hope your own letter to Santa sounds more truthful than one Hannibal would assist you in creating.



CAL: Under the Tree
It read like poetry. Interesting ideas and a beautiful flow of words. Thank you for sharing.



ALISAS ALICE: Under the Tree
Oh boy, Kid is having to deal with a pacing, ranting Heyes. Oh of course, it was a girl…Kid’s great downfall in life. I am amazed Kid told him about the girl. Then again, Kid is the more honest ones..well, on off days. OH NO—it is the split. We all know it is in their past, I always enjoy reading how each author creates the split. But, I do like the way you brought them back together. Yet, while apart they had recalled what was good about the other. Nicely done!

THANK YOU FOR THE NEW WORD…really like it. Lour: intr.v. low•ered, low•er•ing, low•ers also loured or lour•ing or lours 1. To look angry, sullen, or threatening.

Nelia - Now wouldn't that make a lovely name for a daughter....Liked the way you described the details of the dressed Christmas tree....really evocative of the period.  Heyes' angst is very realistic.  His worry about the ranch...and the finances...the wish he'd been able to provide more for his family.  Glad to hear Kid is sleeping upstairs.  This was a truly heart warming Christmas tale with Kid coming to the aid of his partner providing the missing ingredients for Heyes to relax and enjoy his holiday...lovely read

***SPOILERS****


Cal: I really like this one! The tragic undercurrent only empathizes the love and care between the Kid and his new partner. Both of them starting their new lives together but both carrying the wounds of their pasts. I picture her as Native American from the way you've written her. Nice that Heyes makes an appearance.


Alias Alice: Not every job is going to go smoothly and our heroes are not always going to get along but as you've shown nicely here, they care enough to work out their differences.

Cornelia May: What a nice Christmas story and written with a lot of atmosphere. I love the care you gave to the descriptions of the homemade ornaments and the happy family content to be together.

Catching up from last month:

TOMORROW:

Penski-Agggghhh! Not fair! I really liked how you described their actions in the bar, so familiar to your audience. I really liked the conversation about after the amnesty, covering everything we’ve all wondered about yet with no resolution since they don’t have it yet. But then, with me feeling very comfortable with the story and enjoying myself, after all this time of escaping tragedy, you hint at tragedy! I’m going with “hint” because it would be too much otherwise. I hope you’ll continue this!

MoulinP-What a different take on the topic. This is wonderful: “Nor was it something they wanted to say to the other. Preferring instead to come to terms with it privately. Yet both knew the other was feeling it. By unspoken agreement, they had….” And then they did talk about it, even though they didn’t have to, knowing each other so well, and then closing with their childhood names. But it’s always better to talk things out and process that way. I love the idea of them picking back up where they’d left off before they became outlaws. They are re-thinking everything, even cursing. What a neat idea. And you hint at difficulties, like how long will Kid be content to shovel manure? “Daunting but happy” – exactly. It reminds me a bit of the night before my wedding. The soon-to-be-hubs and I had to wait up for someone flying in, and we just sat quietly, talked about the day, and held hands. What would marriage really be like? If we had kids, how would that go? And so on. You don’t REALLY know, even though you are hopeful and think you made a wise decision (and it was, looking back 17 years later ☺). Well, well done.

“Under the Tree”
Wichita Red-“Heart shaped, jagged edged leaves the color of green apples stirred in the hot wind, sounding like a distant running creek.” Now THAT’S writing. I see it, I hear it, I feel it, and what a neat contrast of “heart” and “jagged.” And then “green apples” thrown in there! It fits, but it’s unexpected!

I always like Kid’s low chuckles ☺ I like his rumbling laughs too. It’s almost as good reading about them as seeing them.

I like how you subtly stress how they protect each other-Heyes getting Kid out of Wichita, Kid warning him about the fireman until Heyes gives in and commits to being careful.


I like your ongoing snake imagery with Heyes-he “hissed” then “smooth and quick as a rattler” and finally “uncoiling from the ground.” And even though Kid is chillin' with Barton, he’s alert as ever.

I think this is your best one yet of this series just because of the sheer description. I vote for Heyes fixing the engine AND the fireman recognizing him.

Cac: You raised a good question with this well-written story: at what point do our heroes stop trying to be good men and actually become good men? It was enjoyable seeing them rewarded in a most satisfying way (trying hard not to spoil the finish).

Thanks, IO. I just reread your story from this month, and you asked the same question :)

InsideOutlaw- “A trickle of sweat traced its path down Hannibal Heyes’ spine. A cool breeze rustling the leaves of the huge cottonwood tree towering over him chilled the moisture and triggered an involuntary shudder.” WHAT a start. I feel it, I hear it, I see that shudder, and I like how the “involuntary” tells me he’s brave but the “sweat” in the first place tells me he’s tense. It’s not overdone-it’s right on. Then your description of the bad guy makes him seem steady and more than capable, adding to my tension as a reader. This is better than if you just talked about how bad he was.

And what a great description in that next paragraph-that unreal feeling you get when you’re a bit detached from your surroundings and also including his personality-that it was his arrogance and amorality that got him there. Whoops. And then that he felt shame. Yes, that’s our man. Not willing to look at how he affected others before, but now, older and wiser, yes.

Skipping to the end-what a delightful twist! I can agree with each man, but yes, Heyes is right and for the right reasons. Makes me wonder if they do come into money if he’ll do anything for Willard, although the man did try to kill him. Excellent job.

Cac- - Nice to see the boys working sheep for a change. I can't agree with them mind...pulling sheep out of snowdrifts are some of my favourite winter memories. I agree lambing's tough mind. Moaning from a broken down barn......ghosty story Cac? Aw ....a birth in a stable....sooo Christmassy....but I like the way you have them reacting...and the turn around on the threshold of a strong drink is classic.
“Oh, hell, Heyes….”
Three words that tell us so much....the looks....the mute conversation....the arguments in each of their own heads....the descisions....the agreement....the actions.... three words....fabulous writing.
Thanks for the update on the birth outcome...I need closure....
The soul searching after the event is very to the point and exposes some of the things we gloss over too often...they were armed robbers...not the usual heroic types...their self realisation here is cathartic. It really shows that they get it...
the governor thought it would be worth it just to make us stop stealing, not really because we’ve proved that we deserve it.
Doesn't that show they're ready....they understand... they've set themselves free... beautiful and so fitting for the season.
The end is just a nod to the babe in the manger....and I love it!

Remuda - I normally write as I read...but this pushed me on to the end....the mood was reflective and didn't brook interruption. I really enjoyed this reflective look at their existence, even more so as I'm reading this at the turn of the year. This restlessness smacks of the disillusionment with their lives prior to Cac's revelation above. I think giving us pictures of them in Soap's mansion...the ridiculous extremes in their life....is very clever. Its not like they don't know any different.
It was all so uncertain
and there's the mood summed up neatly.
I liked the use of the old songs lyrics to illustrate their nomadic existence in limbo.....excellent seasonal challenge. I'm raising a cup of kindness yet....Happy New Year!

MoulinP-“pinchbeck experiment” I googled it, but that wasn’t helpful as it might concern a Heyes plan. Is there a story/episode about this that I've somehow missed? I need to know.... If not, then I like too your reference to something in his life I don’t know about-what a cool technique! It makes him seem more real, because HE knows what experiment that is!

I also like how you talk to us, your readers, or actually, your listeners. I feel like we’re sitting around, I dunno, maybe a campfire, maybe inside with hot chocolate and wool throws, and you’re spinning this tale ☺

And poor Henry with his new ring!

HannaHeyes-
I have a student who just can’t keep his mouth shut. The assistant principal will come in to discuss something with him, and he’ll say, oh, is this about the apple incident at lunch? The AP will say, no…. and the student will then say something like, oh, you mean when I cut my last 2 classes yesterday? The AP will say, no….
I mean, Santa doesn’t know EVERYTHING, but he does now! Good grief, Heyes, there’s a time to keep your mouth shut if you want anything at all! So funny! And Kid, sticking up for the women early on....

Cal-just wow. The characterization is excellent right from the beginning, where it's clear that this is a new relationship. "He valued food"-that strikes me as her still gathering information about our Adonis, and she's still a little insecure about their relationship, not like a long-term, comfortable one, not yet.
The tension with the cane and limping, Kid's grief--I wanted to skip to the end to see what happened to Heyes.

Also interesting right from the beginning is her anxiety about the crowd, her "tight smile", and then "she'd never been so happy." Clearly this woman has had some intense struggles too, and that fits with her being with Kid, new to this terrible grief. She's not some dippy woman; she's walked a hard path too, and that gives me hope for them because she can "get" him.

"He'd see it" and then "he got a glance of her" - nice segue :)

I like this too: "letting his thumb and trigger finger play with the silver stud button in the bears ear" because that finger is first and foremost a trigger finger, not just a regular finger. I also like the identification of the Steiff bear, which makes sense with the turn of the century reference. Nice setting details.

I don't understand this, though: "She’d laid that mess of wilderness, in a twist of twigs on his chest, and started that chant of life and hope...." Help!

ETA: But wait! Someone else posted that she might be Native American. That would make sense, a healing ritual.

RosieAnnie: I love their last drink with an old friend. Too bad that friend wasn't better at getting advice than giving it. Nicely done!

Alias Alice-
I can SO see and hear that argument!

Love these lines: ““Well you didn't do it!” He hadn't done it.” Love Kid’s self-honesty and inherent sweetness.

and “…finally the Kid found himself riding through a downpour. This too seemed to be Heyes's fault.” Such an accurate insight of humanity.

Cornelia May-
I appreciate that the ranch is having a hard time. It’s always tempting to think that post-amnesty, things are great, but that’s not likely reality.
Great description and details, especially Lily trying to open that crate at the end.
You’ve sort of sparked a bunny for me…something along the lines of using an alias, but Santa with kids in the picture, not sure. Something about it ☺

Remuda-
Best line – “He could recall his parents but the colors were sepia, faded…”
Such a vivid comparison. I like how you used the song, but using this image and having Heyes think about the things/people they’ve left behind really strengthens the song symbolism. Nicely done.

RosieAnnie-
You use descriptions so well, so concisely. Example: “Heyes adjusted the saddlebag he carried on his shoulder. It didn’t help; he was still hot and uncomfortable.” This isn’t necessary to the plot, but it puts me right into the scene. I want to get better at doing this.

I can TOTALLY see that conversation taking place with the Reverend, Heyes covering for Kid’s starting to get pissed off.

I like the tension you create between the Reverend’s view of Preacher and how Kid defended him. But then, the boys talk about how Preacher had indeed changed, become a hired gun, indeed a bad man (although not in those words) just as the Rev. had alluded to. But that doesn’t always mean you don’t care about a person, who they were or who they could have been, and you grieve for that. These are complicated emotions and thoughts, and you played them out well.

1) WichitaRed


Hello there Wichita. Am absolutely loving the cliff hanger…”Do come back next month” questions at the end. I don’t think Heyes will fix the engine but perhaps he will lean over the engineers making real useful suggestions. And, of course, getting in their light.


2) InsideOutlaw


Oooh, we’re under a hanging tree. Good take on the prompt.
And the guy has a real grudge… Not saying he should be hanging Heyes, obviously, but a motivated antagonist.

Of course our antagonist is making a rookie mistake here, taking the time to gloat. Is rescue on the way? It IS! Huzzah. And the second rookie mistake was wanting a long finish and not going for the quick drop.

Oh, touching, Inside. But I like the lighter ending note with HH asking not to have to talk again.


3) MoulinP

Poor old Heyes – first its snow over his boots then down his back.

Loving that the tree kinda owned the bunkhouse.
Presents have appeared!! Is it Heyes?? Is it the guy who comes through clean chimneys?

A guitar. That’s dangerous. Mind you – at least it didn’t go to HH. “Tis a gift to be tuneful…”


Hank grinned. He didn’t really need to tear off the paper. It was obvious it was a guitar. However, his eyes were out on stalks when he saw it.

Aww, Henry hasn’t got long to wear that ring though.

Huge grin on my face here – so the elf also had an ‘unfortunate accident with an automatic rice picker’ to explain his pointy ears. (Love Star Trek) How wonderful that the gang had an undercover elf.

ORRRR… Was it us send the presents. Us lovely ladies? Hmmmm.




4) HannaHeyes


Wait until you grow up Heyes. Then your toys to clothes ratio really plummets.

I adore the outhouse incident. Charging for wee privileges – what a money spinner.

I also utterly adore his very careful statement on poison oak. I can neither confirm nor deny that…

And darling little Jed’s letter. With help. Help that demands credit.

Bless them both. Hope Santa did sprinkle a toy or two amongst the sensible shirts and socks.




5) Cal


Ahhhh… didn’t really get it to the end. So Heyes is deceased, but still around making things happen for his partner. Loving that Kid got a – presumably quite new and fashionable – teddy bear to remind him of how his romance began.

And there is a little Hannibal on the way – looks like Kid isn’t going to be getting too much choice on the naming, huh?




6) Alias Alice

It is our current bandanny wearer!! How did the boys enjoy their Christmas, Alice?

Awwww – they break up, but they make up. This time, anyhow. That was short but sweet.



7) Cornelia May


That was lovely, Cornelia – so Christmassy and so simple a tale. Clapping.

It's New Year's Eve and I'm catching up with the rest of the lovely December challenge entries. I wonder if someone else will slip in their entry under the wire, before we toast the New Year tonight?

MoulinP: There may be no one who enjoys inspired silliness more than me. I love Heyes' cold toes with the snow overtopping his boots, and snow going down his back. (I wouldn't mind helping him wipe his back dry, but maybe I shouldn't go there right now). And the Christmas tree being the proud owner of the bunkhouse -- terrific image! In this fun romp, a moment of pathos when Henry gets his ring. Fans of the show know where that reference comes in. All in all, a very enjoyable holiday contribution to the challenge.

Hanna Heyes: Boys will be boys, won't they? Only Heyes, even a youthful Heyes, would pay such close attention to the apples that he could identify them in a line-up, if he had to. Of course, the incidents with pepper were just part of a scientific experiment! No ill will was intended. As for Jed, of course he would only cause trouble in defense of a wronged girl. Yeah, I bet Han has a way of making people do things. Both these letters show the men they would become.

Cal: What, what a bittersweet story. Even in the midst of sadness, we can still find happiness and hope for the future. New century, new beginning -- perfect story for the New Year we're about to celebrate. Excellent use of jet lag!

Alias Alice: Poor Kid! Distracted by his essential kindness when he should've been paying attention. This is actually a nice illustration of why he wasn't suited to the outlaw life from the start. I can understand why Heyes was so frustrated, but he did calm down later.

Cornelia May: What a sweet, seasonable tale! Our boys are still together, still being honest (Heyes didn't steal the dress, he worked for it!), and their circle has expanded. Perfect tale for the holidays.

Cac: I bet they beat a hasty, and grateful, retreat, when the father asked them to go find a doctor! And of course, being the pretty good bad men they are, they found a doctor, instead of just taking off with their money and going to a saloon, as they planned. Nice philosophical conversation between Kid and Heyes, but luckily, Heyes was spared finding an answer! Another perfect tale for the holiday season.

Remuda: Your writing is so evocative. I can see the sun starting to set on this chilly afternoon, feel Curry's low mood that Heyes intuitively feels, the day to day rhythm of the same activities where you don't even know what day it is. They go day to day, and that's all they know. New Year's, with its new hope, is still a cause for celebration.

Wichita Red
Killing time under the tree. I'm liking this story you're telling very much. January is nearly here so not long to wait for the next instalment.

Inside Outlaw
Wow, IO, this is such a powerful, intense piece of writing. Uncomfortable to read but mesmerising all the same. So well written – hats off to you. I hesitated to post my bit of fluff immediately afterwards as it just wasn’t worthy.

Cal
I remember Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) and yes I can really see Heyes as the mischievous Marty Hopkirk. This could take your stories off into a whole different direction, Cal. Here’s hoping ….!

Alias Alice
Thee was a craze in the Uk a few years back - something about hugging a tree. It was meant to make you feel better etc, etc. Well the Kid didn't hug the tree but he must have felt it's spiritual influence, calming him down and making him reflect on what Heyes does for him. Glad they made.

Cornelia May
How nice of the Kid to help out, so that Lily and the little girl could have a Christmas to remember. Nice tale, CM

Cac
A nod to the Christmas Story with Heyes and the Kid as reluctant shepherds. Just as they give up hope of the amnesty they get a telegram. The man in the barn had eluded to his wife's famous father. Perhaps it was he who had put a word in with the Governor. Nice story.

Remuda
This time is often one of reflection on the past year and the year to come. Liked the way you organised Heyes’ thoughts around the song lyrics.

RosieAnnieUSA
What happens to rest of the Gang after Heyes and the Kid split isn’t often discussed.Liked the way they considered what might have happened if they’d all stayed outlawing and whether their decision to quit influenced Preacher.


MoulinP – Footnote
Nobody realised at the time but there was no present for Lobo. That turned up under my tree! Anyway have sent it on using the
(U)nwanted (P)resents (S)anta Division Service and he should get it by New Year. I had a good feel – felt like a medical kit to me.

Just to answer Cac - You can find out about the pinchbeck experiment in my story Heat - here's the link
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12116061/1/Heat 
A follow up is my episode in this year's Virtual Season Fake or Fortune? over on the Stories site.