Caroline's scribbles

ohhh many thanks for the perfect spot for me to play    

Before i get going  i will have to warn you all that some times i post odd sized pieces and sometimes i tend to allow my writing to get dark ....please don't expect the same thing in every piece that i post  and also, i love feedback as i write you can post it here if you would like

i will be posting at odd times,too so try to be patient with me  

ok... before I get in too deeep with this one, I want to ask for help with it.  It seeems Mary Sue-ish to me, but not as bad as it could be   also I need help with the disclaimers -- there is some violence and some nasty stuff but nothing too over the top.  Please give me feedback and let me know how to fix the obvious mistakes other than typos  


The Diary by Caroline McK

I sat there, trying to block the pain. I needed to force my mind to go blank so I would be able to forget. That was my only chance to survive this nightmare--- just forget everything that had happened in the last forty eight hours.

It all happened so quickly, one minute I saw the rider in the distance and knew it was Jed, the next thing I knew there were three men standing in my kitchen threatening me.

I willed myself to remain calm. I almost succeeded. My downfall came when one of them shot a hole through the quilt I had hanging. The bullet found its way to the cradle of my son, Matthew.

I was still hysterical when Jed burst through the door. I din't even see the one called Haines shoot. Jed stumbled backwards out the door and fell hard in the dirt. He was lying face down in the dirt when they dragged me out of the cabin.

Suddenly I didn't care about myself anymore. I can't see anything good about a future without my son or without Jed Curry in it.

Of the three men who took me out of my cabin, only two are still alive. The third one fell off his horse and broke his neck. I owe that horse.

Haines is big, dirty and ugly. He has a scar across his left jaw line. He is approximately five feet ten inches tall and is heavyset. He is the one I want to kill if I ever get the chance. He killed Jed and he killed my son.

one small thing ... most of my stories are short, but i do have a few that are longer i want to put them up in no particular order.  

YOU KILLED KID!?!    

What a beginning!  Got my attention and quick.  One thought... are you partial to Haines?  Just asking because it seems too close to Heyes.  Just saying...

Keep going!

ok, guess i scared somebody  sorry bout that  did i ever mention that i'm a Kidette?

no, i'm not partial to the name Haines i just couldn't think of a better one at the time

and one other ?? did i do ok the way i killed off  Kid??  I didn't want to go into detail or give too much of the story away  

Clovis, his partner, is tall, thin and quiet. Because of his poise, like that of a gunfighter, he is a bigger threat to me because he may be able to kill anyone who could possibly try to save me.  He is not innocent, nor is he safe if I ever get free.

Anger and hatred take their time and slowly fill my heart and my thoughts. Anything is better than pain. I welcome the hatred into my heart, knowing that I will need it when the time comes.

They have me tied up in a chair in a cabin some miles from my own and are stupid enough to believe that I will tell them where Kid Curry is. He is dead in my yard! These damn fools don't even know who they shot!

My contempt for them continues to grow, even as my bruises multiply. Every time I refuse to answer their stupid questions they hit me. They think they can break me. I'll gladly die before I tell them anything.

that was my first  of it being too Mary Sue-ish  

I want to know:  did I convey her feelings ok so far? Anger hurt grief...
                         so far, can you handle the sort of violence i am using?
                          and how should i change it if it is too Mary Sue?

If you have any other suggestions, please don't be shy or hesitant I welcome the thoughts

I hear a horse approaching the cabin. Haines comes in and checks the gag in my mouth, making sure that I can't scream. He goes back out to the main room, closing the door behind him.

I can hear a muffled conversation between the newcomer and Haines. The voices get louder and more distinct and I recognize the voice of the newcomer. It is Hannibal Heyes.  
I close my eyes and send a prayer heavenward. I know how close Heyes was to Jed. I know that he must be careful or he will die, too. That is what I am afraid of, and so I beg God to spare him, to somehow get him to leave and live another day.

My eyes flew open as I heard a sound at the window. I watched in horror as the window slowly opened and someone started to climb in. and I closed my eyes tight and swallowed my terror.

"Darlin', please tell me you're okay?" He whispered into my ear.

My eyes flew open,  but I had to be mistaken, Jed Curry was in that room with me.

"Honey, please? Tell me you're okay?", his whisper was almost desperate this time.

I nodded and he took the gag off. My voice was ragged and hoarse as I tried to whisper, "Be careful. There are two of them, Haines and Clovis."

He smiled again and nodded, "Stay quiet. This is going to be over real soon." He loosened the ropes at my wrists, knowing that I would finish getting loose. He crossed to the door and opened it a crack.

"Sure am glad I found you all. Mighty grateful for the coffee and water for my horse." Heyes' voice was strong, but he was trying to pull off an accent that I never heard before.

Jed nodded. Whatever the plan was, it must be falling into place. He took his gun out of his holster and I knew that I would not be the one to satisfy my want for revenge.

Haines' voice came through, "What's your name again, stranger? Don't recall you giving it."

"Didn't." Heyes' voice changed, he sounded like the outlaw leader that he was as he spoke again, "My name is Hannibal Heyes."

A strangled scream came from outside. My heart skipped a beat or two and then Lobo appeared at the window. He nodded and grinned.

ok... before I go any farther, is everything ok so far?
  Did I upset anyone with the violence so far?  Women were not usually treated roughly or manhandled in the west, but sometimes acts of violence did occur.
Also, what kind of warnings do I need to post with this so far?  I don't consider this graphic violence, but maybe some of you do. And I usually mind my language in my stories but this time I did use some mild language.


Oh, yes there is more to come.            

Penski, is your heart beating again?? I know I must have scared a few years off, but I hope you will forgive me.

Okay, here are a few thoughts, comments, and questions...
- How incredibly sad about losing her son Matthew!
- Jed Curry's death (sniff...sniff...) is written well.
- When did the 3rd man get on his horse and break his neck? This is confusing. If not need for him, why not just start out with two men?
- Why is Clovis the bigger threat when he's keeping his distance? Sounds like a lesser threat.
- Now they're all in the house again? When did they do that?
- The violence, as written, does not offend me at all. It happened and still happens.
- I don't read Mary Sue at all in this story so wouldn't worry about it. I read just a story with a gal in is, so far.
- You very much conveyed her feelings of anger, hurt, and grief - mainly anger.
- Maybe explain they have her tied up in another room than the main one so it makes sense when Heyes arrives.
- Why'd Haines leave the window open? A window opening later would be more dramatic. Now I'm expecting someone to come through the window.
- If she's watching someone climb in the window and coming across the room, she knows it's Jed. So why the horror and terror?
- Kid's ALIVE!!!
- "...Mighty grateful for the coffee and water or my horse." Should be FOR my horse.
- Love this line... He took his gun out of his holster and I knew that I would not be the one to satisfy my want for revenge.
- Oh, I LOVE Heyes revealing himself to them! They want Heyes and Curry, but don't know them when they see them.
- A strangled scream outside? Lobo? Are they still outlaws with Lobo around? And should Lobo be talking that much with bad guys just in the other room with the door cracked open? Maybe a nod or a thumbs up and Kid would know all is okay outside.
- I don't see the need for warnings yet. The reader knows they are hitting her because of the bruises, but it's not graphic--you don't SEE it happening.
- Not scaring me off at all. I've read (and written) a lot worse.

Keep posting!

ok made some changes.
did i change enough or do i need to rework it more? in essence, do you get a better grip on the main of the story so far?
glad you liked Heyes' entrance i like to give him the drama and flair
and also thank you for the understanding of the violence



SPOILER ALERT

the horse fromthe third man willl come into play soon


BTW did i say thanks for reading this???  cos i am grateful for the help

"Haines, you tried to kill my partner. You took his wife. Just to save time, I'm going to say you took a shot at his son, too." Heyes counted those off on his fingers and then his voice got a deadly tone, "That wasn't very smart."

"Wife? Son?  What the devil are you talking about? I shot a sodbuster, I admit to that. The fool was trying to save her. All she had to do was tell us where Curry is." Haines sneered.

Jed stiffened, his anger was beginning to reach its limit. I could see that. I started to cross to him, but he turned to me and shook his head no.

"I'm right here, Haines." Jed was out the door before I knew what he was doing. He closed the door behind him and I felt myself slide to the floor.  This was it, and I was alone and helpless.

I heard the two shots and found that I couldn't scream. I had tears streaming down my face as the door opened again.  

"Darlin' it's over. It's all over." Jed kissed me and rocked me in his arms, trying to calm me again and find away to reassure me that we were safe.

I looked at him, he smiled. "You're okay?" He grinned at my question and held me tighter.

"How? They shot you. You were lying face down in the dirt..." My voice trailed off as that memory rushed back.

"The bullet grazed me. I was outnumbered and I needed some help before I came after you." Jed smiled for me and kissed my forehead before he continued, "The trail was easy to follow, but I needed help with Matthew and when Heyes heard what happened, well, he got mad."

"Matthew?" My mind latched on to something. "Jed, where did you bury Matt? Please tell me you spoke or had someone read out of the Bible." Tears came again as I thought of my beloved baby boy.

Jed tightened his grip on me and then, "Uhm, honey, I didn't bury him."

"You didn't?"  My heart broke anew. My son was dead and his father didn't even see to his burial. I turned to Jed my anger had come to the top and found a target. "Do not tell me you simply left him there. Do not dare tell me you abandoned him like that."

"Abandon him? No, no honey I promise I did not leave him there." Jed stayed calm, the horror of her words hitting him as he realized what she thought had happened. He closed his eyes and whispered, "I promise."

Heyes spoke up then, "Matthew is safe. I promise." He looked at me and waited for my reaction.

"No. No, I heard the bullet hit the cradle. Matthew never cried out." I shook my head, trying to clear my mind.

"Darlin',  let's go home. Matthew is probably screaming for you right now." Jed kept his voice steady and calm.

I shook my head, clearly someone was very mistaken. I stood up and slowly crossed the room.

Lobo was waiting for us in the main room of the cabin, "Are you okay?" Concern filled his eyes and voice as he spoke.

I slowly nodded and smiled, "I will be soon. I just need to know that this nightmare is really over."

Lobo nodded and opened the door for me, "We are taking Clovis and  Haines back with us. Sheriff Dawkins will be happy to see them. We found Gorkin's body alongside the trail. Wheat and Kyle took him back to town." Lobo kept his voice low and steady, knowing that I needed to hear everything and I needed a calm voice to tell me.

"I want to ride the big black stallion.  It was Gorkin's. I want to keep him for my own."

Hank grinned and handed me the reins, "Just take it easy, okay?"

I took the reins and  patted the horse. "Easy, love. Nice boy. Easy, baby." I crooned to the stallion, knowing he held a big part of my fate within his control. His tail swished as I climbed into the saddle.

We rode back to town in  silence, with only the occasional question or stray remark being uttered.

My bruises were starting to ache when we reached the outskirts of town; my body had reached its limit of endurance of pain and abuse. I fell out of the saddle as I tried to dismount. I hadn't realized how much my wrists had bled as I tried to get free, until Heyes sucked in a sharp breath as he helped me up.

My horse looked at Heyes and waited, he was not sure about Heyes or Kid yet. "Easy, baby, I'm okay." I looked at my horse as I spoke and hugged his neck minutes after I stood.

"Darlin', we need to get you over to Doc's place."  Heyes came to my side and kept his voice soft.

"No. Horses first. I owe this angel. He threw Gorkin and tried to even the odds for me." I turned to Hank and Lobo, surely they would understand.

They looked at each other and then Hank reached for the reins, "Okay, we'll take him over to the livery for you. We'll give him a good rub down and get him extra oats. Go see Doc." He gave me a subdued grin as he finished.

"Darlin', please?" Jed had come to my side and kept his voice soft as he pleaded with me.

I turned to him, and as I saw the pain in his sapphire eyes I nodded. I would give in to him and go see Doc Sellins.

Kyle and Wheat walked up, took hold of Clovis and pulled him off his horse. I felt no sympathy as he landed hard in the dirt. Wheat pulled him to his feet and gave him a shove,  "Don't even think about moving."

Kyle came over to me, "Meg, I'm glad to see that you're home."  A blush crept up as he spoke. He cleared his throat and reached for Haines, to start pulling him out of his saddle.

Wheat came over," Glad to see that you're okay, Meg." He turned to Kid and Heyes, "Sheriff wants to see you three.  Wants to hear what happened." He turned and went to Clovis, shoving him hard to start him on his way to the jail.

"Kyle, if he even thinks about giving anyone trouble, shoot him again." Jed had a steel edge in his voice as he looked to Kyle.

 



ok... so does it still flow? not necesssarily smoothly, but trickle at least?

i know that  there is still a question about the gang, but that will be cleared up soon  

i wanted the horse because i felt she needed a ' security blanket' that was not going to speak  

uhm, i hope to post the rest within the next day or so, but want to make sure that the bugaboos are starting to get smacked down and the wrinkles smoothed.

Just a thought... SLOW DOWN! The store is going so fast - almost too fast. You could have so much more detail and talk about the trip where they take her to a different location so we know about the death of the third man. Lots of holes in the story that could be filled in.

Back to comments and thoughts...
- Why is she feel alone and helpless with Jed and Heyes in the other room with the bad guys? It's Kid Curry and he & his partner can take on these two. She doesn't seem to have much faith in him.
- Love this line, but what if she said, "It's all over?" instead of "you're okay?" The way you have it makes her sound surprised he got the bad guy when he had the element of surprise on the bad men.
- I can see her being confused thinking Jed was killed (especially if you put in more detail about them leaving her cabin and maybe stepping over the body)
- I can see her being confused and upset about the baby, too.
- I think Jed would have quickly told her about the baby being alive - more quick than you have it.
- So are they still outlaws if they are hanging out with Wheat, Kyle and Lobo?
- This line doesn't make sense - Wheat pulled him to his feet and gave him a shove, "Don't even think about moving." He's shoving him to move and saying don't move. I can see either "Get movin'!" or "don't even think about escapin'!"
- Hmm... maybe they're not outlaws if not concerned about talking to the sheriff.
- Not sure I understand Meg needing the horse as a security blanket but I can see her being proudful and wanting something from the bad guys for taking so much from her.

It's a good story / plot, Caroline. Take your time and enjoy the journey. Don't rush it and fill in some of the holes for the readers.

Hi Caroline

I'm having fun reading this.

I think Penski has made some good points. It does seem as if the narrator doesn't understand the Kid that well even though they are married and have a child. Is she very young, and was the courting brief? It would explain her knowing who he was, but not the knowing the depth of the man, and would explain her fears.

The story does move fast, but I think that is good. I think the briskness of it fits the event which was brutal, but brief.



I can see Wheat pushing someone and telling him not to move. Wheat isn't the sharpest fellow around! But you could either make it clearer that Wheat is inadvertently contradicting his words with his actions, or just have Wheat prod Clovis.

Couple of minor points:

Jed stayed calm, the horror of her words hitting him as he realized what she thought had happened.

That's a change from first person narration to third person.

He took his gun out of his holster and I knew that I would not be the one to satisfy my want for revenge.

Very minor point here. How about desire for revenge or need for revenge instead of want for revenge? Or, in addition, mention that she feels a mix of emotions or conflicting emotions: that she has a need for revenge but feels relief as well as anger at her kidnappers, knowing that the Kid and Heyes are handling the situation?

I'm not sure about the part with the horse. I think until she sees her son and confirms visually that he is alive she would still be shaky and everything would be a blur. I think if they put her up on Gorkin's horse she would appreciate the irony of the ownership of that horse--at some point. Instead of horses first, wouldn't her son would be priority? And wouldn't someone fetch the doctor for a house call instead of them stopping at the doctor's office?

ok    ....    just to let you know ...   i am working on the story trying  to tweak  it
it is slow going right now because of rl interference   but hope to be able to post more soon and fix the glitches  thank you for your patience  and your  help

just a quick note, my tablet decided to blow up so I won't have much chance to post for awhile. I have been tweaking the story when I have some time but, now I'm not sure what is going to happen. Will try to stay in touch and post when I can.

Oh dear, I've had a computer simply 'crash' on me; it's so irritating, isn't it? I think in my case the motherboard or the hard drive fried.

Is your tablet a complete goner or can it be fixed? I'll hope for the best, and keep my fingers crossed.

Looking forward to your next post when you have the time and means, Caroline!

Just to let you all know that I have been missing you all like crazy.  I have had some major changes in my life reccently and am still trying to find my new balance.  My Dad died in July and that was a major bump in the dirt path of my life. I wasn't expecting that, not quite as quick as it was.
I am very grateful to BeeJay for keeping me on the active member status    
It is a real comfort to me to know that I can come here and feel safe around friends and to know that my words have a safe place to stay until I can pick up my pen again. I have tried to work on a few plot bunnies that hop into my brain, but i can't seem to get very far with anything.  
I still have to borrow a tablet to come here, so my access is limited, but I am trying to get back into a rhythm of sorts.  Hopefully soon I will be able to get some work done and words written, not just to fix this piece, but to move forward and be able to come back more often.
Thank you all for waiting for me. I will be back, just not quite sure how soon.