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 Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15

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BeeJay
sistergrace
mouse4ever
Kid4ever
ty pender
Penski
RosieAnnie
Maz
Calico
FrankieASJ
InsideOutlaw
LittleBluestem
joannb
AllegraW
Ghislaine Emrys
WichitaRed
Fortitudine
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Remuda

Remuda

Posts : 136
Join date : 2013-10-27
Age : 46

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri May 01, 2015 10:51 pm

Alias Alice
Cute story, and oh so sly on that last inquiry of George. Like Heyes, I would like to have heard how Jed would have explained things to Janey before she had to run off -- the chicken or the egg. Nicely done!

Penski
Another cute story from childhood days, turning chicken counting into a math lesson. This left me wondering whether Jed enjoyed the schooling from Han. Nah, more likely just the means to the end. Well done!

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Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything. ~ Wyatt Earp
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSat May 02, 2015 10:47 am

Alias Alice: So the boys have always like 'Joshua' and 'Thaddeus'-that explains a lot! They were lucky that George turned out to be a nice enough man and didn't take offense at their unsuccessful attempt at stealing a chicken, but it's sad that he couldn't offer them a place to stay permanently. That makes me think about how hard it would be to go for amnesty and have to return to such a transient life.

Penski: I could just picture Jed's frustration in trying to count a flock of unruly chickens. Heyes had the solution and also managed to pass along a reason for learning his math lessons to his younger cousin. Hmm-Was his mother just keeping Jed out of her hair? If so, I like her style.

Remuda: Boy, I would've gone after Mrs. Bellows just like Content did. What a cow! Excellent characterizations throughout. I couldn't imagine anything worse than being cooped up in a small stage with such a nasty, opinionated person. It just goes to prove our boys aren't killers if she survived that trip, LOL!!

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"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
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Alias Alice



Posts : 186
Join date : 2013-04-02
Location : Yorkshire, UK

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeMon May 04, 2015 2:23 am

Remuda,

Very much enjoyed this tale of the boys' stagecoach journey. Enjoyed reading about the characters they found themselves closeted with, including Madame High and Mighty. It seemed so realistic, and was exactly like watching part of an episode from the series!
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RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 832
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeTue May 05, 2015 7:30 am

Alias Alice: George was a nice man after all. Funny how Jed tried to answer Janey's questions, and Heyes' teasing - "which came first?" My 21st century thinking goes, a 14 year old and 16 year old are awfully young to be out on their own, but I know that it was not unusual in the 19th century. Last lines about what they had packed for dinner were a perfect ending for this story.

Penski: The day's not starting out so well for Jed, is it? Kicking the rooster and getting caught, wore the wrong pants, don' forget to put on your hat, and all before he can go out and have fun? But at least Hannibal came up with a plan to get the job done. I'd still like to know his ma's reasons for the chicken counting, though.

Remuda: When you lose all your money, at least you get to keep your attitude, huh? Mrs. Bellows forgets she only gets her authority from having money. When you're broke, you're one of the plebes like the rest of us. But even Mr. Bellows, who seems like a nice enough man, has to introduce himself as "one of the New York Bellows." That, and ten cents, will get you a beer in the 19th century west. I'm glad that Content Larner (great name, by the way) got the last word.

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"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
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Penski
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Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeThu May 07, 2015 6:25 pm

Remuda - Well, that was an uncomfortable stagecoach ride with the ruts outside and the tension inside. Mrs. Bellows was very grating on the nerves for the riders and the reader. I felt for Content and Mr. Bellows. All in all, that's a ride I wouldn't want to repeat. thumbsup

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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Penski
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Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSat May 09, 2015 9:48 am

Alias Alice - This almost seemed like a continuation of your April challenge. Your dialog showed the frustration of both boys, especially Heyes. I could see Jed leaving, thinking it would be for the best. Nice how Heyes came around in his thinking. Very good challenge!

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSat May 23, 2015 6:31 am

Alias Alice: I've got to admit that I thought this was leading up to the 'big split-up'. Lucky for Heyes he came to his senses with enough time to stop his partner from leaving. Isn't it funny how a person can long for something and then, when they achieve it, it no longer seems so important? Good tale!

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"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
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Penski
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Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSat May 23, 2015 6:16 pm

Maz - Laughing
(need I say more?)

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSun May 24, 2015 6:47 am

Maz:ROFL!!!! You are the mistress of absurdity and hysterical dialogue.

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"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
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Alias Alice



Posts : 186
Join date : 2013-04-02
Location : Yorkshire, UK

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSun May 24, 2015 12:07 pm


Hilarious, Maz! This is so enjoyable from start to finish!
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Alias Alice



Posts : 186
Join date : 2013-04-02
Location : Yorkshire, UK

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This is a brillinat story, InsideOutlaw. It is great the way that Heyes recognises and saves a kindred spirit.
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Maz

Maz

Posts : 441
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 59
Location : London, England

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed May 27, 2015 2:43 pm

Alias Alice. I have a soft spot for these two young boys. I was hoping they'd stay together too Very Happy

Inside Outlaw I wasn't expecting him to release the stallion. Makes me wonder what he'll do next.

I enjoyed them both. thumbsup

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Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
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Penski
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Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeWed May 27, 2015 6:46 pm

Inside Outlaw - Really enjoyed seeing the relationship between a young Heyes with the rest of the gang, especially Plummer. Made me dislike the guy even more... Plummer, that is (not Heyes). Loved the reason Heyes did what he did. Wonderful challenge, again!

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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RosieAnnie - really enjoyed this challenge of the new sheriff, who was a little too cocky for his own good. Very clever of Heyes to disguise himself since "all Indians look alike". I'll have to Google and check out that picture of Pete that inspired your challenge.
applause

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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Alias Alice



Posts : 186
Join date : 2013-04-02
Location : Yorkshire, UK

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeFri May 29, 2015 2:02 pm



Rosie Annie - Very clever story! It was yet another Hannibal Heyes plan!
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Calico

Calico

Posts : 760
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Birmingham

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSun May 31, 2015 5:38 am

1) Alias Alice
Ah, one of our bandanny winners, finding time from ex outlaw fluffing to give us a story.  Oh dear, another few years and our boys would have realised they can actually ride the train without paying for tickets.  Bless.  So Kid could have snuck in a baggage cart.
Aw, double bless.  They’re sticking together after all.  (Did wonder if this might have been you splitting them up for the canon ‘split’, Alice.)  Touching.  



2) Maz
For Pete’s sake, surely you could have bounced this bunny off some wise, experienced feline style writer to sort out the howling plot inconsistenc…
Oh, yeah.
I remember.  Forget what I was about to say – it’s a work of genius.
Loving Heyes getting caught out by his flourishes.
Can we get Emily on the beta reading team?  Does she have opinions about ellipses?
Absolutely adored it from inauspicious beginning to tail between legs ending, Maz.



3) InsideOutlaw
Aww, poor young Heyes – all full of youthful regrets.  
They’re going to kill the stallion!  Nooooo!!  Though, actually, horsemeat is a tasty…  (Cat realises she has a non-European audience, shuts up, nonchalantly cleans paws.)  
Methinks HH will be rescuing that stallion.  
Course he did.  Fellow outlaws, huh?
What a simple but effective short that was, Inside.




4) RosieAnnie
Ooooh, is that one of our boys in the cell?  If so – which?  OR is Rosie toying with us?  
She is half toying with us – it’s Big Jim.  Who we all lurve.  (“You are too tenssssse…”)
And there is our dimpled dark darling hero come to break his mentor out.
I see!!  Heyes has been at the walnut juice as a simple disguise.  Clever stuff, Rosie.  Good to see a Heyes / Big Jim story.  


5) Sistergrace
I don’t think the Hayden Hughes who has arrived is the one we saw at the beginning.  I suspect a switch.  A dimpled switch.
And – is no longer blond but still lithe – Jack, our very own Kid??
Well hooked Sister G.  Hope you are inspired to continue the tapping.  



6) Penski
So Heyes is all new to the job of leader, huh?  (“He ain’t been first outlaw, afore…”)
Awww – love the ending!  All has gone well and HH is back to his self-confident self after all that doubt.  Lovely.
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sistergrace

sistergrace

Posts : 550
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSun May 31, 2015 1:16 pm

Alias Alice - Oh, poor Jed! To think that he felt in the way and unwanted. So, what happens next? Nice challenge story!

Maz - How fun! Laughed all the way through this, TWICE! Great story!

InsideOutlaw - Very interesting turn of events in this challenge. The ending was perfect, especially the closing line! Clapping!

RosieAnnie - Ah Ha! So it's Big Jim Santana. As always, your original characters are especially enjoyable. Very nicely done!


Penski - The back and forth discussion between the boys is very well written. I can hear them both speaking the lines as you've written them. Loved the ending!

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Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSun May 31, 2015 2:45 pm

Sister Grace - Oh, much later story.  The "boys" have to be in their 60s.  
Dr Hayden Hughes?  HH... hmm... Hannibal Heyes?  Heyes is a doctor?!  
LOVE the descriptive writing at the train station - feel like I'm there.  An inscription on the watch?  Got me curious.  
Jack Corrigan?  JC... hmm... Jed Curry?  Pieces of metal scattered across a cloth have him frustrated?  JC doesn't seem... right.  He does seem very confused.  
My curiousity is piqued along with Hayden as to why Marie located and asked him to come.  
LOVE these lines - "Could we please stop beating around the bush and get straight to the point. So far, all I know is that you're not exactly Jack's niece, you didn't exactly invite me here for a family reunion, and that something isn't exactly 'wrong' with Jack." He fixed the young woman with an intense, almost threatening gaze.
So Jed / Jack owned shares of a casino in New Orleans and had a "wife".
"Send out the posse" - cute line!
Hmm... so JC is not recognizing his partner HH.
A doctor of philosophy?  I thought JC was the philosopher.

Consider me hooked and wondering what's going on and where this is going.  What are you doing?  Sit down and start tappin' on them keys!
writing

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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Maz

Maz

Posts : 441
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 59
Location : London, England

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeSun May 31, 2015 4:31 pm

Rosie Anne we have Big Jim! So nice to see him back but wait,..an injun? Oh sneaky Heyes. Clever thinking. Great job Rosie.

Aww Grace this is all so sad. Very well written and touching. I am sure we'd all like to know..what happens next?

Penski. Heyes a worrier., who knew? LOl I guess there's a first time as leader for every outlaw. Glad it all went so well but I have a feeling that was because of Kid :)

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Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 02, 2015 6:55 am

RosieAnnie: "Everything is temporary." Big Jim understands life in a way Berger cannot comprehend. He has faith in his men and is content in his knowledge that he will be rescued but is secure enough to reveal his confusion at Heyes' choice of disguises. He praises his man for his resourcefulness but he also recognizes Heyes' abilities are best kept working for him rather than against him. I like how Heyes analyzes the weaknesses in others and uses it to his advantage. Very clever young outlaw but even more clever writer!!

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"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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Sistergrace: I'd say you're off to a flying start with this story! I'm looking forward to more. By your introduction of him, you've indicated that Jack has challenges to cope with that we will learn of later. Great backstory on how he and Marie became acquainted. I got a chuckle out of the names and the initials. And Hughes has a difficult time accepting that his closest living relative doesn't recognize him. I don't have any suggestions to make as this is already beautifully written. Well, maybe one: get writing now!!

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"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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Penski: So Heyes has stagefright the night before his first robbery as the new leader of the gang? Love it and how his partner knows how to handle him. Great to see Heyes' renewed arrogance in that last line!

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"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
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Alias Alice



Posts : 186
Join date : 2013-04-02
Location : Yorkshire, UK

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Sistergrace : Interesting glimpse into the boys' future.

Penski: The night before a raid - how they feel - Heyes nervous - the Kid's input - Then, next day - Heyes's confidence restored! - Very enjoyable account!
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RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 832
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15   Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15 - Page 10 Icon_minitimeTue Jun 09, 2015 7:34 am

Finally, finally, FINALLY getting around to commenting on June stories.

Alias Alice:  You drew me in with that evocative first line. It sets a melancholy tone. Heyes' journey from resentment to realization of what he really wanted is logical and flows well.

Maz: What a fun depiction of how some "pretty good bad men" are foiled! They are just too well-raised to threaten ladies. The fact that the reputation of the Devil's Hole Gang did NOT precede them probably had something to do with their total failure to impress the ladies.

Inside Outlaw: We can all find kinship with animals, can't we? If we're sensitive enough. You handled the shifts in point of view from Plummer to Heyes very smoothly.

Sister Grace: Very interesting premise. I do wonder what happened in the past; what the inscription on the watch says. The little reference to the posse is telling. You haven't overloaded the early part with too many details, and it flows well. Some of the lines are classic, especially HH's lines about the reasons he was there.

Penski:  "All your thinking woke me up!" Great line! It makes perfect sense within the character that Heyes would be a little nervous and checking all the details the night before his first job as leader. And, of course, he has the ideal albeit impatient sounding board. Fun stuff!

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"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
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Penski
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Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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Alias Alice - Loved the contrast between the bleak, dark shortest day and the sunny (weather and future) of the longest day! Very descriptive writing and the boys sounded in character. They would definitely note the date of the first day of their new future. two thumbs

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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