Alias Smith and Jones Writers
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

Alias Smith and Jones Writers

A forum devoted to writers of Alias Smith and Jones Fan Fiction
 
HomePortalGallerySearchRegisterLog in

 

 Awestruck Comments

Go down 
+19
stormr
AllegraW
Bison1
countryrosie
joannb
nm131
Shenango
Fortitudine
Maz
sistergrace
Calico
FrankieASJ
RosieAnnie
skykomish
Penski
InsideOutlaw
HannaHeyes
Ghislaine Emrys
BeeJay
23 posters
Go to page : Previous  1 ... 16 ... 29, 30, 31 ... 35 ... 40  Next
AuthorMessage
Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeWed Jan 09, 2013 12:50 pm

Hanna Heyes - What an interesting take on a possible meeting with the two "Kids". You portray Billy the Kid as an arrogant, hot-head. I saw a documentary that said Jesse James was like that. Like how "our" Kid was cool, calm, and modest. Favorite line - "Heyes, you're still that cocky!"

SilverKelpie - What a great detective Heyes would have been! I sure didn't see the con game. First clue should have been when the camera came out, huh? Loved how the Kid was distracted by the lovely Ariadne and pictures with a goat. For once the boys got their pay - twice! Very cute story!

Maz - Aww... Jed can't say no to brown eyes. A boy and a dog are quite a pair. Curious what Jeff thinks of Jed bringing home a stray. Favorite lines are - “The Bar T doesn’t take in strays.” “You took Heyes and me in,” Jed stated as the dog moved to stand beside him. Kid's personality is really coming out in young Jed.

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeWed Jan 09, 2013 1:15 pm

Maz -- as always a wonderful addition to your Bar T universe. The Bar T seems like an idyllic setting for two young men/boys on their own -- lots of positive male role models and positive reinforcement of their good behavior. I also liked the idea of naming the dog -- bounty -- a great name for a dog. That said though, Jed seemed very young and naive in this one -- more so than you typically make him. In fact, he reminded me of my son when we got him a dog for his 10th birthday.

Gringa -- an excellent story. It's hard to believe English is not your native language because you craft it so well. I particularly enjoyed a couple of phrases: "Let me drink on it" and "Anywhere the wind blows us." I also enjoyed the use of the name Smith here (and the fact that at least smiths create something, what do joneses do?). Great job.


Last edited by riders57 on Wed Jan 09, 2013 1:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeWed Jan 09, 2013 1:18 pm

SisterGrace - It did not occur to me to link 'Mutiny on the Bounty' to ASJ, but this works. I guess my mind works differently to all of you who also thought of this take on the prompt. All little boys love playing pirates - and then they grew and played cowboys. I loved this line, "In his mind's eye, he saw his life, his career, bashing against the rocks, plunging to the depths. Sinking like a rock." Yes, Wheat was always leading a potential mutiny.

HannaHeyes - A very tense stand-off, with the boys very true to character. They did all they could to avoid the shoot out, but the hot head just wouldn't be talked down. How sad that they couldn't get the reward, just like the series. The build up was very well written.

Silverkelpie - So funny, and so clever, and too many good lines to quote. The Kid got wonderful lines, but I loved:

“I think I’m in love. Grandpa used to say there was a woman for every man.”

Heyes nodded. “Yup, and I think we just found her. Keep your mind on the job.”

Ariadne reminded me of Mae West. I think it can be easy to overlook how clever some of your funny stories are because we're laughing so hard at the terrific lines. This story is an example of that. Laughing

Maz - Poor old Bounty found a home. The Kid was always one for his 'needy folk.' Not that Bounty is a 'folk' but this was right in character for him. The Kid always has a logic which can cut right through the arguments of better talkers than him, and he uses it when he has to. These lines are a great example of this:

"The Bar T doesn’t take in strays.” “You took Heyes and me in,”

Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeWed Jan 09, 2013 1:31 pm

Gringa - Great story and a different take on the bounty hunter scenario. You'd never know from any of the dialogue which one he was really after. Poor Miss Smith, being used by her brothers like that, at sixteen she didn't stand much chance, with a criminal family did she? Let's hope she has a better life from here. I loved the line, “Doesn’t ‘Smith’ mean someone who makes something? What’s ‘a Jones?’” applause
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeWed Jan 09, 2013 7:01 pm

Gringa - How fun... another alias Smith! Very clever. I was wondering if the bounty hunter knew who he had in his clutches. Had to google, but no Betty or Jim and Bob Barclay. Cute how Betty chose 'Smith' because it's short for 'locksmith'.

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeWed Jan 09, 2013 8:58 pm

Maz; Yeah, kids and dogs! They just naturally go together. I too enjoyed the banter back and forth between the adult and the youth and just how stubborn even a young Jed can be when he decides he wants something. This was great training for later in life when he was going to have battle wits with his cousin and be able to come up with a compelling argument when he wants to.

Gringa; I guess I figured that the bounty hunter might not be after Heyes and Curry as soon as we found Elizabeth tied up and him talking about waiting for everyone to get home. If Heyes and Kid were the ones he was after, there would not have been any reason to hang around once he had them. But then you added your own little twist by leaving it hanging; he really could have been after any of them. My guess though, is that he was after 'Miss Smith' and really didn't have a clue who he had tied up in the dinning room!
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeThu Jan 10, 2013 1:15 am

Penski - Hi, no you won't find a Betty, Bob or Jim Barclay, because I made them all up. The fact you looked it up means is must have a ring of veracity, though, so thanks for the compliment - and thanks to the rest of you for all the lovely comments. thankyou
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeFri Jan 11, 2013 5:04 am

Maz - It's so in character for the young Jed to want to take care of the poor dog. He does look after the strays and the weak. I never though of bounty being such a good name for a dog, until I saw it here. This is a cute story, and the kids aren't going to be allowed to read this one because they'll want a dog too!

Gringa - Loved the bantering back and forth as they tried to distract the bounty hunter - What is a 'a jones?' 'Smiths' make things after all. I really like that you left it open so we could make up our own minds which one he was after, but I think I agree with Keays. If he knew who he' d got in the dining room, he'd have sent to the sheriff as soon as he had the boys tied up. A close escape for everyone and a great read.
Back to top Go down
RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 832
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeFri Jan 11, 2013 8:10 am

Gringa, that was very clever! I loved the banter and the little jokes.

_________________
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
Back to top Go down
InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeFri Jan 11, 2013 9:25 am

Maz: I enjoy these little glimpses of moments when the boys were just boys, and, of course, boys love dogs. Cute story.

Gringa: This was very well-written and I liked the two Smiths who were both safe-crackers. Wouldn't they have made quite a team? Loved the banter, too!
Back to top Go down
HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes

Posts : 582
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 45
Location : The Hideout

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeFri Jan 11, 2013 9:26 am

Gringa - I loved this! I liked the twist at the end with Miss Smith. Very entertaining and well written.

_________________
Come to the dark side.....we have cookies... Very Happy
Back to top Go down
Ghislaine Emrys
Moderator
Ghislaine Emrys

Posts : 669
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 37
Location : Arizona

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeSat Jan 12, 2013 2:36 pm

Hannaheyes: A fun story with a serious undertone. I always enjoy (if that's the word) show-downs between Kid and an opponent. Laughed at these lines: "Yeah, I guess so. Was I ever that cocky?" The Kid laughed. "Heyes, you're still that cocky!"

Silverkelpie: Where/how on earth do you dream up your stories?! As usual, intricately plotted with engaging humor to top it off. This scene cracked me up:

“Yeah, I know the kind of thing,” the Kid scratched his head. “I saw one in a bar in San Francisco, it wasn’t fruit though, it was a snake...” his brow wrinkled, “and a goat for some reason. Is this gonna have a goat?”

Edgeworth frowned. “Why would it have a goat?”

“My thoughts exactly,” the Kid agreed. “I always found it real distractin’.”

“So you want us to guard a naked woman draped in fruit?” Heyes asked, incredulously.

Dancing blue eyes glittered with disbelief. “And you’ll pay us for that? We’d normally expect to hand over hard cash for that sort of thing.”


And love this line: “Well, ain’t you just the most fetchin’ fella, since... well... that one.”

Maz: You sneaky thing, you: Making me think those soulful brown eyes were Heyes'! Aww, a boy and his dog, with a great name, too. I think these lines just about sum up the whole series, actually:

“The Bar T doesn’t take in strays.”

“You took Heyes and me in,” Jed stated as the dog moved to stand beside him. Jed reached down and patted Bounty on the head.

“Although it’s not always obvious, you and Heyes actually earn your keep.”


Gringa: Ohh, I'm liking it already: a meek-as-a-mouse woman; nice use of an episodic phrase. Ohh, more wordplay: "Let me drink on it.” But I'm a little confused as to who was supposed to tie up whom; first it sounded like Heyes was told to tie up Kid but then it was Kid who tied Heyes up. Okay, I get it now--you're referencing lots of fun bits from various shows! Hence the Caesar reference. Aww, that's rather a sad ending for our boys. But hooray for Betty--and it sure would be fun to read more about her in her younger years. French being my first foreign language, I can certainly relate to this: “No, a French name. That would work. Everyone would spell it wrong, so there’d be a dozen versions.”


_________________
This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

http://commentaryasaj.blogspot.com/
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Back to top Go down
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
sistergrace

sistergrace

Posts : 550
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeSun Jan 13, 2013 6:51 am

hannaheyes - You captured the arrogant essence of "Billy the Kid" so well! It was as if Emilio Estevez was speaking the part himself, right out of Young Guns. Good banter between HH and KC at the end. Very enjoyable challenge.

Silverkelpie - This challenge was so much fun to read! Definitely a bounty of giggles! Both Heyes and Curry are written very true to character. The Kid seemed so taken with that nekkid model, I was beginning to think he might actually offer to pose with her! ;) There were a couple different, and excellent, uses of the prompt, and there are just too many wonderful lines to list them all, but here are a few of my favorites:

“Well, ain’t you just the most fetchin’ fella, since... well... that one.”


or

“I think I’m in love. Grandpa used to say there was a woman for every man.”

Heyes nodded. “Yup, and I think we just found her. Keep your mind on the job.”


and

"...good work, have you ever considered working on the railways?”



Maz - Consider the strings of my heart thoroughly tugged. Very sweet, that young Jed falling in love with Bounty, but my heart breaks knowing he may soon have to leave him behind.

(Note to Maz: I have it on good authority that a coyote has promised not to eat Jed's dog for lunch, however, Jed himself could be in danger of a small nip or two.)
Twisted Evil

Gringa - Very interesting story and great use of the prompt. I had a feeling Jenkins may have been after someone other than HH and KC! I don't know much about the famous Barclay brothers, but I hear one of 'em is a real prima donna. The boys should look out for him, especially Kid.
: cigar

_________________
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Back to top Go down
HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes

Posts : 582
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 45
Location : The Hideout

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeSun Jan 13, 2013 3:18 pm

Allegra - This was great! So glad that bunny hopped for you :) Boys very much in character and I love Heyes' line, "because we're worth it." Great job!

_________________
Come to the dark side.....we have cookies... Very Happy
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeSun Jan 13, 2013 5:09 pm

Fun story Allegra! Reminded me of 'The Bounty Hunter' of course! Loved them bickering over who's turn it is to do the untying!
Back to top Go down
RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 832
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeSun Jan 13, 2013 7:05 pm

Allegra! You're back! cool And with a fun story, too. Loved the banter between our boys at the beginning. Yeah, they are pretty good at getting out of fixes like that. Between dexterous fingers and Heyes' silver tongue, they could outsmart the amateurs. thumbsup

_________________
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
Back to top Go down
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeSun Jan 13, 2013 7:22 pm

Allegra
What a great take on the prompt! Of course the boys are worth it (like it or not!), and how not surprising it is that they know it; modesty never was their forte. Love your revisiting old moments from the series, especially their bickering while untying each other. As usual, lots of great lines, my favorite of which is, “‘Whatever you’re doin’, you’re not doin’ it fast enough,’ came the snarled reply and, since the Kid couldn’t actually see him, Heyes rolled his eyes for nobody’s benefit but his own.” – Lovely moment. Couldn't resist going out of turn with comments when I saw your story. It is SO great to see you back in the saddle. I know RL has been nuts, and it’s good to have you join in when you can; I’m hopeful it will be more often. Clapping!

Back to top Go down
AllegraW



Posts : 36
Join date : 2012-04-22

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeMon Jan 14, 2013 3:59 am

Sister Grace!

This is fun. You know there is a German saying "Two idiots - One thought!". I think we'll take that for Wheat and Kyle and their mutinous thoughts, shall we - and I'll take the better English quote for our boys - "Great minds think alike". And they were right - time to abandon ship. (It's a great scene in the pilot episode isn't it?!) And it was wonderfully written, like always. Very Happy
Back to top Go down
AllegraW



Posts : 36
Join date : 2012-04-22

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeMon Jan 14, 2013 5:11 am

Hannaheyes

Dunno why Heyes was worried - I never doubted that our Kid was faster than young Billy. My, what a hothead, but is he as cocky as Heyes? Nah! No-one is as cocky as Heyes. Laughing
Back to top Go down
AllegraW



Posts : 36
Join date : 2012-04-22

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeMon Jan 14, 2013 8:02 am

Silverkelpie

Nice scam! The Badger game is it? But we've got two poachers turned gamekeepers and you're not gonna pull the wool over their eyes. They smelled a rat a mile away. Nice story and told with bountiful wit. I enjoyed it very much. sm


Maz:

It must be the eyes - those deep soulful brown orbs gaze upon the Kid and he's pulled in again. So that's where Heyes learned it! Always glad to hear about a dog finding a new home too and he couldn't have found a better one! Lovely. happydog


Gringa

Bounties on Smiths both the male or female variety and the plot suddenly gets complicated and we no longer know who's chasing who. It all came good though and it made a very good story. study
Back to top Go down
InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeMon Jan 14, 2013 12:45 pm

Yay, Allegra's back and with a fun story, too. Darn right, those two are worth it!
Back to top Go down
Ghislaine Emrys
Moderator
Ghislaine Emrys

Posts : 669
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 37
Location : Arizona

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeMon Jan 14, 2013 5:49 pm


Allegra: Welcome back! Enjoyed this, especially the beginning where the boys were tied up and snapping at each other. Very clever to pretend to have guns--I actually felt sorry for Jake when he found out. But I really liked the outlaw personas Heyes and Curry displayed here--we shouldn't ever forget who they really are. The end was fun--apparently, the banks and railroads haven't forgotten, either!

_________________
This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

http://commentaryasaj.blogspot.com/
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Back to top Go down
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeTue Jan 15, 2013 5:37 am

Allegra - Talk about catching the reader's attention right away! Loved the conversation when they were tied up together, "Whatever you’re doin’, you’re not doin’ it fast enough." Great bluffing to try to get their guns, which they did. They are a slippery pair, but you captured that so well, whilst keeping their charm. applause
Back to top Go down
Yope1995

Yope1995

Posts : 107
Join date : 2013-01-13
Age : 26
Location : Indiana

Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeTue Jan 15, 2013 5:41 pm

HannaHeyes: Wow! Billy the Kid in a showdown with our Kid! Pretty exciting. I enjoy it when real historical figures are incorporated into stories. Great story!

Maz McCoy: I positively loved this! You always have a nice flow of dialogue but a still enough description for the reader to be able to 'see' the surroundings. I loved it! My fav part was when Marty said the Bar T didn't take in strays and Jed said, "You took in Heyes and me."

Gringa: I really enjoyed this story. And I REALLY like the twist at then end. I sure didn't expect that one!

AllegraW: You almost had me feeling sorry for the bounty hunters! Laughing (Almost). I'm glad the boys escaped and I like the way you started the story with Kid and Heyes arguing. Very Happy And, yes, both of them are totally worth it! ;D

_________________
John Denver 12/31/43 - 10/12/97 RIP
Happy 70th, John!
Back to top Go down
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/3759676/
Guest
Guest



Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitimeWed Jan 16, 2013 9:51 am

Allegra -- welcome back! Glad you jumped in and with a very enjoyable story. THe discussion of whose turn it was to untie them reminded me of a similar discussion in Maguffin -- I always like references to the episodes! Good banter between them and clever acting to retreive their own guns. Sometimes having the reputation for excellence can help, can't it, even if it does keep the reward up there. And as others have said, of course I agree they're worth it. applause
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 30 Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
 
Awestruck Comments
Back to top 
Page 30 of 40Go to page : Previous  1 ... 16 ... 29, 30, 31 ... 35 ... 40  Next

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Alias Smith and Jones Writers  :: The Writing Spot :: The Story Challenge :: Awestruck Comments-
Jump to: