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stormr
AllegraW
Bison1
countryrosie
joannb
nm131
Shenango
Fortitudine
Maz
sistergrace
Calico
FrankieASJ
RosieAnnie
skykomish
Penski
InsideOutlaw
HannaHeyes
Ghislaine Emrys
BeeJay
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Calico

Calico

Posts : 760
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Birmingham

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 8:53 am

1) Riders57
Okay – so the boys are in a 1950s British holiday camp environment – without the redcoats!
Now – is the barkeep staring because they’re really talking to no one??
Ahah!!! I did wonder – subtly done, Riders.
(Not a British holiday camp – you only remember the days it doesn’t rain!)
Oooooh – spooky childish voices!!
Well done Riders!! Perfect for Halloween.

2) Sistergrace
Ah – a twist for the tongue – clever, clever.
Grace? Don’t be fooled by the prim costume, boys – she’s no nun!!
Oooh – I quite like shandy!
So – I’m guessing the boys don’t spit!!
LOVING your moral, sister!

3) AllegraW
Oh sheesh! Kyle and Wheat playing boys games with fuse wire! Reminds me of boys games at a factory I used to work out – where I was told back in days of flared trousers apprentices would set fire to each others hems and see how long before other fella noticed.
Oh, I’m loving them getting back into the same argument all over again. Big smile as I read.
Clapping hard. That was fun. Dear, dear Kyle.


4) Silverkelpie
No no! Never investigate creaks in the dark!! Oooo-errr – shades of the coward Jack McCall, huh??
And a twist! Not that we’d ever doubt it from you SilverK! Clever and pithy. Take some extra Halloween pumpkin points…


5) Niekx
A first challenge!! Huzzah huzzah and welcome!!
A childhood story! Triple huzzah. I love ‘em liddle.
Feel the urge to burst into song… “Let’s go fly a kite…”
Kid’s buying silk shirts – is he channelling Kidette fantasies?
Awww – you’re going for the ‘gulp’ factor. Cue sniffing amongst the ladies.
Take a warm fuzzy point or two there, Niekx. And – huge thank yous for playing!

6) Hannaheyes
Wonderful hook at the start Hannah – I’m thoroughly intrigued.
Poor old Heyes. Mind you, it’s usually Kid who ends up with the crazy ones!
And all the other attempts are buried under the patio, huh??
Ah. Never trust the old ladies! Cue psycho music…
You took us on a definitely weird journey there, Hannah. Halloween pumpkins for you!!

7) InsideOutlaw
Two words inside the limit Inside!! Thank heavens for word-checker, huh?
Liking the spookiness of the woodland creatures avoiding – pom, pom, pom – (lower voice) – something.
Hey, - it’s not the Were-Coyote, is it?
Gosh. That legacy is not the ending I was expecting. Poor old Elroy’s Pa though…

8) Penski
Gosh – this is clever, clever, clever! Kid is having flash forwards, huh?
And – what do you know, Kid DID start acting kinda cooler with Heyes after the total body transplant.
Loving the:
“Thought we were goin’ our separate ways.”
“Not now—when I say.”
echo.
And ‘The Biggest Game’ flash forward, and the rest.
Manages to be amusing – yet kinda spooky – and really, really sad because we know what happens, all at the same time.



9) Gringa
Also loving the ‘maybe it’s okay to point guns at teachers…’ line.
Love that scene in the bank.
Gosh – wasn’t expecting a scroll forward to 1974. Clever. Like the line about the handsome actors playing our boys!! (Who could the actors be? Smile!)
A very original take on the challenge, Gringa.

10) RosieAnnie
Adore the line: “The only time two words strung together are true is when our names are mentioned.”
Love the implication that the gentlemen robbers who don’t shoot folk is nothing like the truth, too.
Agree with you - I certainly see my version of a future Hannibal Heyes up on a platform spinning yarns about his past life too.
Wonderfully done as a duologue, RosieAnnie.

11) Skykomish
Oooh – oooh! Is Emeline knocking off her mother, nanny and brother one by one??? Are you hinting? Reading on…
And now Lizzie is dead! Don’t ride after Emeline, Kid!
Wally saw. He’s toast!
Well, first he will be falsely accused – then he will be Emeline toast.
Nope, the drunk first. NEVER say you know how to handle Emeline! First rule of knowing the murderer!!
Gosh – Kid Curry did well to survive a lead piping attack.
Hmmm – I like that Heyes called her bluff and fired.
Shades of ‘Orphan…’ And of that famous ‘The Crying Game…’ comic story.
Very, very readable Sky.

12) Remuda
Oh, cough it out, Kid, whatever it is! We all like Remuda embarrassing you!
Remuda – you are playing us like the dialogue mistress you are. Dear Kid – and you – stalling and stalling – and we love every shame-faced moment.
And dear sweet Heyes – doesn’t even rub in the Olive Whist alias probability. Bless. No, make that BLESS!!!

AND FROM THE OVERSPILL..

13) Remuda
Ah yes! Fond memories came flooding back as Heyes and Curry started to swap distinguishing traits in the room – and the lamp plays its tricks. Clever story.

14) Silverkelpie
Ah – the Tibby saga. Takes deep draught of tea and settles back.
Loving the principles for sales quip.
Loving Heyes correcting the grammar too…
Glad to see Heyes still re-reading Moby Dick. (Sigh, happy story memories)
Good heavens! What HAS Tibby done??? Or has she framed him?? Mind seethes with plot permutations.
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 9:36 am

How ironic that our last two stories this month were both about little girls on the wrong side of the law!

Skyomish: You built this up nicely to a powerful story about evil in unlikely places. Heyes recognized the evil and didn't hesitate to save his partner. Kudos to him and you. I also loved this line "you're sayin' nothin' real loud.

Remuda: I loved how Heyes struggled to pull the story out of Kid. Of course he didn't want to admit that he was robbed by a gang of little girls! Cute story.
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HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes

Posts : 582
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 45
Location : The Hideout

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 10:45 am

SKYKOMISH - What a strong, powerful story. Just goes to show, evil can be found anywhere. I wasn't sure if Heyes would be able to shoot, but glad he did. And he felt sick at doing it. Wonderfully done.

REMUDA - I laughed with Heyes all through this! Loved who Kid got robbed by! Also liked that what happened to him echoed the story Heyes was reading at the time. Well done!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 12:53 pm

Skykomish - I loved this story. So well written and such a clever plot. I like that Heyes saw right through her and was already on her case, and the ending was wonderful. I'm very glad to see you posting again, and if you think that this has suffered because it was cut down, I love to read the longer version. Let's hope for more from you again soon. applause

Remuda - I'm glad that Sandy blew you in under the wire with this one. No wonder Kid didn't want to tell Heyes what happened! Very amusing, but those girls need a good talking to - caught in a dark alley with Kid Curry and that's all they could think of doing!? I can think of so many better ways to pass the time there...
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sistergrace

sistergrace

Posts : 550
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 4:02 pm

Skykomish - Wow! Gave me the chills, just like that movie, "The Good Son." Your Emeline was pure evil. Poor Curry! Poor Heyes! Shocked Gruesome. Delectably diabolical story! Also really enjoyed that "sayin' nothin' real loud" line. Clapping!

Remuda - Curry, rolled by a bunch of gals...Hmmm... Twisted Evil Those little girls must be future members of the Ladies' Appreciation Society! sm Really enjoyed the repeats of "Nothin'" and the "Don't rush me!" Absolutely loved every minute of this one! Nice "Twist!"

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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.


Last edited by sistergrace on Fri Nov 02, 2012 6:34 am; edited 1 time in total
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RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 832
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 6:36 pm

Skykomish: Glad to see you back! Your contribution - wow! That was a horror story perfectly timed for the Halloween season! This felt true to the concept of the characters of Curry and Heyes. Curry tends to believe that people, especially young girls, just aren't capable of some things. Heyes, on the other hand, is more - what? realistic? cynical? I liked the character of Wally, too, who was "simple", but who provided major clues.

Remuda: Love the dialogue here, the way Heyes tries to get Curry to tell the story of what happened, and Curry is just way to embarassed to say. Very nice of Heyes to not tell Curry about that English book he was reading!

_________________
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
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skykomish

skykomish

Posts : 171
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 63
Location : usa

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 8:29 pm

Riders - Very spooky story. I liked the description of the town, and the water pooled in Heyes' hat. The details built nicely until it felt truly creepy. I wasn't expecting a ghost story at all in the beginning, but the little things piled up until you knew something awful had happened. Good job. scaredtodeath

Grace - Wonderfully funny. Where did you come up with the name for that saloon? I'm assuming that the beer names are all authentic. Come visit sometime. My husband makes mighty fine beers and mead. We can invite HH and the Kid and have a taste test. Great little story. bottle

Allegra - What a treat to have you back with a challenge story. This was great fun to read and very entertaining. You pegged Kyle and Wheat perfectly. All of the dialogue was fresh and funny. Please keep writing. You have been missed. yes

SilverKelpie - I did not suspect the truth until the end of the story. This was a chilling, spine-tingling read. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I hate the tragedy which set up the haunting, but the story was marvelous and perfect for October. scared
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeFri Nov 02, 2012 7:35 am

Skykomish - My paws are clapping hard and I'm up on my hind legs looking for the longer version you speak of. prairiedog What a wonderful story and it was written so well. Well done for creating such an original villain(ess) and for keeping the boys in character so well. It was interesting to see the analytical side of Heyes catching on to the girl's character and Kid, like most of us, never dreaming that she could be so evil. Now I've said all that are you going to post the longer version???? Please?

Remuda - This really made me chuckle. I loved the idea of Kid being beaten up by a band of little girls. He would be too gentlemanly to hit back, making him a prime victim. Great fun, and a terrific way to end the month.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSat Nov 03, 2012 6:53 am

Skykomish - What a creepy, evil, little girl and well done for creating this really enjoyable story. I did wonder if Heyes would shoot, so you had me on edge there, but of course he would save Kid. No doubt he saved other lives by shooting her too.

Remuda - I laughed at the thought of Kid being robbed by a group of girls. No wonder he was so embarrassed to say anything!
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AllegraW



Posts : 36
Join date : 2012-04-22

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSat Nov 03, 2012 2:42 pm

Gringa

A nice twist even though I don't know the television show, 'I've got a secret'. It's a great story. Your first? Well done and keep it up! thumbsup

I love the descriptions especially of the 'dark man with a dimpled smile' who instantly commands 'everyone's attention simply by walking into the room.' And, 'an air of danger dressed in charm'? Oh yeah, I definitely know who you're talking about there. But my attention shouldn't wander because this is more about the Kid who has been bitten by a little boy who's protecting his mother from being potentially shot because said child's dad says she NEVER does what she's told! I just love the logic in that but can truly see that the Kid did not!! Very good.
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skykomish

skykomish

Posts : 171
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 63
Location : usa

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSat Nov 03, 2012 8:10 pm

Working my way through this month's stories.

Niekx - Lovely and sweet tale. Great first entry, but now we will expect you to play regularly. I'm so glad
that you posted this. The details you included added richness and authenticity to the story. I particularly
liked the young Jed banging his feet against the bale of hay. Good story, first or otherwise. yes

HannaHeyes - What a passel of quirky and threatening characters. I was very surprised by a "respectable"
lady entering a saloon (soaking wet) and accepting a drink Shocked . I just couldn't quite see that happening in the
nineteenth century. But as the story continued, I realized that Veronica might do anything! Glad the fellas
escaped unscathed. This was a bit creepy, but also a lot of fun.

InsideOutlaw - I loved the undefined nature of the "boy." I felt that the tension built nicely in this story. The part at night when all of the animals were fleeing was very good. I was reminded of the imagery in MacBeth when all is going against the natural order as a portent of the unnatural acts to follow. Good job.

Penski - Wonderful story. The repeated details when the Kid wakes up were very effective. The intermingling of the events from season three with seasons two and one was great. Very fun story, but with a bittersweet edge because of the real life events. Clapping very loudly for this one. applause
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skykomish

skykomish

Posts : 171
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 63
Location : usa

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSat Nov 03, 2012 8:42 pm

Gringa - Wonderful first story! You have written some vivid descriptions and dialogue. The following are some of my favorites: danger dressed in charm, “Is this yours, Ma’am?” from Kyle, and the entire exchange between the boy and Kid Curry. I enjoyed reading this very much indeed. Standing and clapping loudly. applause

RosieAnnie - Very well written dialogue story. Heyes' twisted justifications for the falsehoods in the book were very fun. I expect that the Kid has every right to be concerned about fall out from this embellished history. draw

Remuda - I thought that the dialogue in this story was exceptionally well written. I could hear Heyes and Curry ringing true in every line. Curry's embarrassment and Heyes' amusement hit the tone of the series exactly. The tie in with Oliver Twist and Heyes' reading the book was great. A thoroughly enjoyable tale with a twist. Lot's of celebratin' and hollerin' for this story. horsie applause
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skykomish

skykomish

Posts : 171
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 63
Location : usa

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSat Nov 03, 2012 8:50 pm

Several of you have asked about the longer version of my challenge story for this month. I am flattered that you are interested in reading it. Unfortunately, it is not exactly finished. Once I realized that it was too long, I stopped working on that version and reworked my outline to cut some scenes.

In a conversation with someone on this board, I mentioned that I was not sure that I could complete the longer version, because visiting the inside of Emeline's head is very disturbing for me. However, I have found that some of the murdered characters won't leave me alone, so I am going to try and clean up and finish the longer version. When I get it done, I will post it on Wetpaint. Apparently, even the fictitious dead want their stories to be told. writing
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSat Nov 03, 2012 10:43 pm

Tell me about it Sky! I have a certain doctor in my story that continues to haunt poor Heyes!

I'm not one of the people who mentioned wanting to read the longer verson of your story, but I do agree with the majority. It was a well writen, suspensful challenge, and though disturbing to think that a young girl could do such horrible things, she still makes for a very compelling character. I hope you are able to handle delving into her mind a little bit more and bring us a deep, dark, haunting tale!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSun Nov 04, 2012 3:13 am

Skykomish - Yay! applause We get to read the long version. Write them down, that's the best way to exorsize those ghosts. writing
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AllegraW



Posts : 36
Join date : 2012-04-22

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSun Nov 04, 2012 3:40 am

RosieAnnie

Oh, I can just see Heyes sooo wanting this!! However, I can't help but agree with the reticence displayed by the Kid. It sounds to me like Heyes is about to get carried away and over the edge by his own momentum. Isn't it a good thing that he has a solid partner who can provide the necessary breaks when he gets like this. He wont let Heyes go too far just as Heyes balances his darker side when he needs it. The dialogue shows exactly why I love the dynamics of this partnership of theirs and together nobody does it better when they're a team. You wrote it brilliantly. Well done.

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AllegraW



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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSun Nov 04, 2012 3:58 am

Skykomish

A very well told tale and not at all hindered from stark cutting-floor editing. Emiline was nicely, spookily evil. You got her just right when it's easy to go over the top. And I thought you got it right too that Kid would find it very difficult to believe someone like her could be evil. He wasn't the only one - Heyes did what he needed to do to save his partner but he couldn't bear to look at what he'd done afterwards. I can't blame him. But kudos to you.

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AllegraW



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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSun Nov 04, 2012 4:11 am

Remuda


Oh, I love this dialogue! And love the idea of Kid Curry being bested by 'Oliver's (American) army'. Good on ya, girls! Love the way Heyes wont let up on wheedling the story out of the Kid but, after all, I suppose the story he was reading was all about a boy who wanted more. Superb. cool

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSun Nov 04, 2012 11:24 am

I wasn't able to read much this past week, but you sure were prolific in this month's tail... thumbsup

RosieAnnie - It was like being in the room with them. You have captured their bantering very well and painted a good picture how life after the amnesty might look like. Kid wanting to lead a more anonymous life and Heyes still looking for recognition of his “silver tong”. Enjoyed the read!

Skykomish - I would love reading the extended version of this story, Sky. You have so much to tell and your descriptions of the surroundings and scenes are very vivid. I never would think Heyes could shoot a little girl, but this one was pure evil and he was on to her from the beginning. He had to safe Kid. Very exciting story.

Remuda - That definitely was a tale with a twist in the end. Didn’t see that one coming - little girls robbing the Kid. Now when I could trick Kid Curry into a dark alley, I guess robbing him would not be my first thought. What a waste of a perfectly good alley!
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Ghislaine Emrys
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Ghislaine Emrys

Posts : 669
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 37
Location : Arizona

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeSun Nov 04, 2012 6:08 pm

Skykomish: Well, that sure was dark! A very interesting and out-of-the-ordinary story. I had a slight bit of trouble keeping who was who straight in the very beginning but rereading clarified things for me. It was obvious early on who the perpetrator was but the way you laid out the evidence was nicely done. I was a little surprised that Kid turned his back on the girl, knowing what she'd done but, then again, he always was a sucker for the ladies. I can definitely see Heyes doing what he did because he was protecting Kid. And, of course, yet again, the boys didn't get paid!!

Remuda: Cute comeuppance for the Kid (and Heyes)! Kid's embarrassment and reluctance to tell his partner what happened was fun to read. Enjoyed the fact that Heyes was reading a story by Dickens but thought better of admitting that to his partner, who surely wouldn't see the humor or irony of it. This was my favorite part: “I was walkin’ back from the livery…” “Uh huh.” “Don’t rush me, Heyes.”

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeMon Nov 05, 2012 9:52 pm

Maz; Oh that Heyes is a crafty fellow! Trust him to talk his way around the gang members and make it sound convincing. But the Kid wasn't fooled was he? I think he knows his partner just a little too well to be hoodwinkled by the silver tongue! I wonder if Heyes would ever consider doing into politics? Hmm.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeTue Nov 06, 2012 4:30 am

Maz -- what a fun take on the democratic process. Love Heyes' twisted reasoning here. Some great lines -- especially re: Kyle and the gang's confusion. Laughing A great start to the month.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeTue Nov 06, 2012 5:57 am

Maz
Good thing about the democratic process is, it usually makes sense and is simple enough: One person, one vote. But leave it to the shrewd logic of the Hannibal Heyes variety to talk his way round the issue. I’d have hoped some of the DHG weren’t as dense as Kyle; maybe they were new recruits. In any case, I’m glad it makes sense to Kid, and us. And love the metaphorical apple. Favorite line: “How the heck can it have been counted incorrectly? There’s only five of us! Sheesh even Kyle can count to five!” I laughed out loud at this. Well done!
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RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 832
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeTue Nov 06, 2012 9:28 am

MAZ: Heyes' devious mind and silver tongue are at it again! He's got the DHG flummoxed, and Kid is trying to use logic, but to no avail. Wonder if this is the sort of voting process that got him voted in as the leader of the DHG? Clever dialog, as always, and a fun snippet.

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"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
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HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes

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Age : 45
Location : The Hideout

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 22 Icon_minitimeTue Nov 06, 2012 10:20 am

MAZ - What a fun voting session! And of course, Heyes has to confuse everyone into his way of thinking! All except Kid of course. Wonderful dialogue!

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