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Alias Smith and Jones Writers

A forum devoted to writers of Alias Smith and Jones Fan Fiction
 
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stormr
AllegraW
Bison1
countryrosie
joannb
nm131
Shenango
Fortitudine
Maz
sistergrace
Calico
FrankieASJ
RosieAnnie
skykomish
Penski
InsideOutlaw
HannaHeyes
Ghislaine Emrys
BeeJay
23 posters
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AllegraW



Posts : 36
Join date : 2012-04-22

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 2:04 pm

Yo Penski!

This story has so many twists in it that it's become a hurricane and we, poor souls, have been swept away with it as it throws scenario after scenario at us and we don't know what's real and what's in poor Kid's battered up skull. Actually, come to that, I reckon Heyes is a might confused there, too!

Very nicely done...but then you know that don't you! Congratulations. It was spot on and I enjoyed every word. sm
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AllegraW



Posts : 36
Join date : 2012-04-22

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 2:05 pm

And just a quick thank you to every one who has commented on my story this month. It was wonderful to be welcomed back so warmly and I really appreciate it no end. Very Happy
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 2:39 pm

Gringa: Wow, what a great first story!! You set the scene really well and I loved the ending. Seeing himself through the eyes of a frightened child would certainly shake Kid up enough to consider his career choices. I'll look forward to reading more from you. Thanks for the fun.
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sistergrace

sistergrace

Posts : 550
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 2:49 pm

Gringa - Did you say you are "practicing" your English? Seems to me like you speak it fluently already. My cowgirl hat is off to you! applause Loved the boy having the guts to stand up to Kid Curry and "take a bite out of crime." Really liked the line about his Ma NEVER doing as she's told. Wonderful twist at the end, including the television show, I've Got a Secret. Great story!

_________________
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 3:12 pm

Thanks so much for all your kind comments. I haven't written anything much in English for thirty years and don't speak it as much as I should. I must admit to help from Silverkelpie and give her my thanks for working on the same story in two languages, That is more help than I could ever have expected! This really is a supportive and friendly forum.
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RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 831
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 4:27 pm

Gringa: Congratulations, you jumped right in! I thought this was very clever. Of course a little child doesn't think things through; he only wants to protect his mama. There were some good lines, too. You gave us a new point of view for a bank robbery, and you capped it with a modern "twist". Well done!

_________________
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
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HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes

Posts : 582
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 45
Location : The Hideout

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 5:43 pm

GRINGA - Yay! Another first time story, and what a great one it was! Loved the line about it maybe being okay to point a gun at a teacher. That was one brave little boy, maybe made Kid feel remorse about what he was doing. Very well done!

_________________
Come to the dark side.....we have cookies... Very Happy
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HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes

Posts : 582
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 45
Location : The Hideout

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 5:45 pm

Riders - to answer your question as to why Veronica was wet in the saloon...she wanted to look as pathetic as possible so she took a dip in the horse trough. What can I say, she's a little off ;)

_________________
Come to the dark side.....we have cookies... Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 24, 2012 7:57 pm

Gringa; Great little challenge storey! Loved the line discribing Heyes; 'but he transmitted an air of danger dressed in charm' That certainly does discribe our brown eyed anti-hero down to a 't' doesn't it! Also liked the line that it's okay to point a gun at teachers, as long as you don't get caught. Looking forward to reading more from you.
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Ghislaine Emrys
Moderator
Ghislaine Emrys

Posts : 669
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 37
Location : Arizona

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 25, 2012 5:41 pm

Gringa: Wow--what a great first story! sm Are you sure you haven't written fiction before?

I'd say you a) don't need any help with writing in English, b) told a great story, and c) are going to provide lots of competition for that yellow bandana. Very Happy

Really, that was very clever and well-written. The episode with the boy was well done: Loved the line about Wheat and Kyle laughing, and Kid mad. Then, later, the old man reminiscing and stumping an audience--but how could they forget about Heyes and Curry?!?--was also very enjoyable.

Welcome to the club! jocolor

_________________
This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

http://commentaryasaj.blogspot.com/
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
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Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1617
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 26, 2012 8:30 am

Gringa - I remember that show - loved it! Great story remembering Heyes and Curry robbing a bank. Very descriptive - I could see the young boy clinging to mom's skirt and then being bold enough to kick & bite the man holding a gun on his ma. applause Wonderful 1st story!

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 26, 2012 10:14 am

Gringa - You pulled your first one off too - how does it feel?
Loved to read about the little boy building up the courage to attack. Might be something Kid would have done himself too!
Thanks for the great read!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 26, 2012 12:09 pm

Gringa - I have to echo everyone else's marvellous comments and point out that I REALLY didn't do much except provide a sounding board for that nerve wracking first story. I loved it, applause and especially enjoyed the little touches like him wiping his nose on his mother's skirts and challenging Kid because his 'mother never did what she was told.' Great work. Felicitaciones. Usted deberĂ­a estar muy orgulloso
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 26, 2012 12:44 pm

Gringa -- Congratulations on posting your first story -- scary isn't it? (My goodness two new, wonderful writers this month, a banner month) As others have said it was an excellent story and you portrayed the young boy's view of the robbery very well. I really enjoyed the ending and what a creative explanation for their decision to go for amnesty. Clapping hard here. applause
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeSat Oct 27, 2012 6:53 am

Ginga - What a great first story! Talk about hit the ground running, you set the bar high with this really sweet look at how much impact brave little Jimmy had on Kid. I thought the really clever part was in leaving it so understated, in not TELLING us that the child made such an impression on Kid, but simply showed it on the story. After an encounter like that, Kid would think about the leaflet the old lady handed him on that train job. Great lines about hero's not having runny noses or about it being okay to point guns at teachers as long as they didn't see. bandit
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw

Posts : 871
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 65
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 29, 2012 5:25 am

RosieAnnie:
You did such a great job with telling this story with only dialogue! I could just see the look of eager look on Heyes's face and the stubborn refusal to go along with the plan on Kid's. I see that Heyes is still on the lookout for easy money, too. A leopard can't change its spots, huh? Well done.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 29, 2012 9:03 am

RosieAnnie;

I like stories that are held together just with dialogue; it leaves so much open to the imagination of the reader and yet still gives a good accounting of what is going on. Can certainly understand Kid not wanting to be put on display, he always we a private person, and there's Heyes wanting to be the show-off! He says it's just so they can make money, but I think Heyes would do it for free just go get out there and be the center of attention!
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Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1617
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 29, 2012 10:26 am

RosieAnnie - Very cute story of amnesty and their story being twisted by the ghost writer. I can so see Heyes enjoying the storytelling & limelight while the Kid would want to be out of the limelight and not touting his gun skills. Very good!

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 29, 2012 1:03 pm

RosieAnnie - You are fast forming the 'Mistresses of Dialogue Club' with Remuda. I loved the way the story unfolded through this conversation, which really exemplified the difference between the boys. I loved the line, "We can't confuse them with the truth," and thanks for giving me the mental image of Kid tackling Heyes in an attempt to get him to shut up.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 29, 2012 1:11 pm

Rosie Annie - Oh, I could see Heyes doing this if they got amnesty, and Kid's reaction really would be just as you wrote it. What a great read. You could get more out of this by writing about the speaking tour, and the people they met... Especially if things get complicated. (hint, hint sm )


Last edited by Hunkeydorey on Mon Oct 29, 2012 1:14 pm; edited 2 times in total
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HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes

Posts : 582
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 45
Location : The Hideout

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 29, 2012 2:53 pm

ROSIEANNIE - What a great dialogue story! Heyes always did enjoy being the center of attention. Both personalities were shown well here. Well done!

_________________
Come to the dark side.....we have cookies... Very Happy
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sistergrace

sistergrace

Posts : 550
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 29, 2012 3:20 pm

RosieAnnie - Awww... I liked this very much! Now that Heyes and Curry have accomplished the impossible task of getting amnesty, they can "tackle" the next one - leaving the legend part of their lives behind. It probably won't take too long either befor those dime novel writers move on to someone else, and stop writing about stories about them. Maybe only 40 or 50 years, or so. writing

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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 31, 2012 1:31 pm

RosieAnnie - I loved this story told through the conversation. That is clever and I don't think I could do this. The idea is such a good one and thiis is another one I could see them actually doing because it captures the boys so well. Heyes is such a show off and he would love to do the speaking tour. Maybe Kid would like it better if there were ladies coming to see them? I would go!
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Ghislaine Emrys
Moderator
Ghislaine Emrys

Posts : 669
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 37
Location : Arizona

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 31, 2012 6:35 pm

RosieAnnie: Loved this! It was really easy to follow who was speaking and the boys were very much in character throughout. Great nod to The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence! Many wonderful lines; here are a couple of my favorite: "...The only time two words strung together are true is when our names are mentioned.” and "Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s not so good for sales."

I found this section really interesting: "People think we’re modern-day Robin Hoods. We’re famous for being some sort of gentleman robbers, and for not shooting people. We can’t confuse them with the truth. And if you’re thinking, ‘the truth will set you free’ or some other kind of garbage like that, just remember, the truth could send us to prison for a long time.” It makes me think that perhaps they weren't pretty good bad men after all. It almost seems like there's another story to tell in there.

Can't wait for the book to come out! (I think I better hurry up and finish my Tales of the Devil's Hole Days real quick! Very Happy )

_________________
This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

http://commentaryasaj.blogspot.com/
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 21 Icon_minitimeThu Nov 01, 2012 6:36 am

Ah the end of the month, bringing such wonderful stories.

RosieAnnie -- excellent story telling through dialogue. I do like the image of the Kid tackling Heyes to get him to stop talking. THe book is a great way to capitalize on the publicity their amnesty would have generated.

Skykomish -- Welcome Back! Glad you submitted, but what a tragic story. I think the story works fine, it's not harmed by any shortening you did, and any cuts are not obvious. I could definitely sympathize with the Kid's line: "But you're sayin' nothin' real loud."

Remuda -- what a wonder twist on Oliver Twist. Yeah the Kid would be embarrased to have been robbed in that way, wouldn't he? Great story; glad you made it in under the wire.
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