Alias Smith and Jones Writers
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

Alias Smith and Jones Writers

A forum devoted to writers of Alias Smith and Jones Fan Fiction
 
HomePortalGallerySearchRegisterLog in

 

 Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...

Go down 
+15
calicole
Gan Ainm
Remuda
Nebraska Wildfire
InsideOutlaw
WichitaRed
sistergrace
Maz
Kid4ever
Dan Ker
Nightwalker
MoulinP
Penski
Calico
RosieAnnie
19 posters
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4 ... 8 ... 14  Next
AuthorMessage
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSat Sep 28, 2019 12:28 am

applause  I see I have some catchin' up to do - that's what I get for not checking in sooner!

Maz:
Another narrow escape. Poor Heyes. Had to suffer through Kid sewin' him up - not on the top 100 of things I want done to me!
Boy, they sure had a rough ride trying to stay outta reach of that posse - especially Heyes!
It's fun to 'listen' to them banter even through pain and worry about the posse. I grinned at quite a few of them as I heard them saying the lines to each other. You gave them some good ones to say to each other.
I love the way Kid puts it all on himself that they need to stay a while longer. He's a good friend.



WichitaRed:
Nice and tense from the get-go. I liked how you used the mirror in the bar as the way for Heyes to see Kid's eyes.
The boys must've had some pretty rough days before they got to the bar, they seem so snarky with each other, not much patience at all.
And add the old argument from Heyes that he can take care of himself - that never ends well.
You've set the stage for trouble. Oh, he's a real baddie - already killed one man - yikes!
Many descriptive phrases throughout your challenge. One of my favorites is:
Beads of sweat pricked to life between Heyes’ shoulder blades, and his tongue slipped across his lower lip. The shooter’s dark eyes shifted his way, and a bead of sweat broke free, tickling its way down Heyes’ spine.
Yep, it's Kid to the rescue - again. I do love the lines between Kid and Heyes near the end:

Curry shook his head, backing toward the door, and as Heyes passed by, he whispered, “thought you could take care of yourself.”

With a shrug, Heyes replied, “when do you ever give me a chance to prove it.”


Heyes is right, but I'm sure he wouldn't have it any other way.  yes  

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSat Sep 28, 2019 12:56 am

Nebraska Wildfire

Ah, you had me thinking of another Curry family at first, from their early days, then the waters became unmuddied.
You've written us a wonderful image to have of Heyes and Kid after all they've been through (and all us writers put them through, lol)
Heyes and Kid are still together, with families - wives and children. I knew who those blondies belonged to before I ever read any further  yes
I'm guessing that since they speak of going back to the hotel, that they're only visiting the old family homestead? I'm sure that's a bittersweet memory for Heyes and Kid.
I'm glad that neither Heyes nor Kid feel guilty anymore for being off playing in the water that horrible day.

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSun Sep 29, 2019 7:11 pm

Kid4Ever - Oh, poor Kid!  Your head and your backside hurt, you say?  Well, I'd be willing to kiss the boo-boo on your head and massage your backside and legs.  Hugs and cuddles to you!  

Now that the sympathy is done, that's a wonderful challenge, Kid4Ever!   Love the descriptive writing at the beginning and the two fellas who found him.  I can just picture little Joey filling a canteen and mumbling that he had to do it when he looks up and sees the man with a dark hat on the horse.  ADAM!  Yep, I'd be calling for my big brother, too.  Love Heyes' concern - just enough and not too much.  Kid's tough and knows he has to walk it off and move on.  Also loving Heyes' and Kid's talk at the end.  Well written!  applause

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Online
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeMon Sep 30, 2019 3:03 pm

MoulinP:

What a fun take on the prompt!  sm  Next to the ASJ time period, I LOVE the Arthurian period, which was mainly composed of folklore and literary invention - such interesting and colorful characters.
You did some pretty good inventing in your challenge as well  applause
I thought I might have had the right guess of who the stranger was when he introduced himself, then as the story went on, I had to chuckle at the names of his knights.
I was with Heyes, more than Kid, because Heyes halfway knew what he was trying figure out. You had me grinning at poor Heyes' attempts to make sense out of what he was hearing and seeing.
Thank you for sharing some fun with us. We need to smile
 Very Happy

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeMon Sep 30, 2019 8:33 pm

Moulin P - What a fun challenge. I just loved the names of the friends - so creative on your part! Actually, the whole challenge was very creative. Loved how Heyes was trying to figure out what the unique gentleman was about and making sense of what he said. Very fun! sm

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Online
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeMon Sep 30, 2019 10:15 pm

Every time I come in here to comment I have the ear worm of that song, "Sunrise, Sunset," goin' 'round n' 'round in my head!  lol2  Mind you, I'm NOT complainin', 'cos I really do like the song, but still... Rolling Eyes

Penski:

You've set the scene with some very lovely descriptions - I think I might've heard the bluebird as I read along.
I wonder how typical Heyes' and Kid's day will be?  I wouldn't mind waking up next to them, but as for what else the day might hold? Not so eager for that.
$3.90 between 'em? Sigh...
Hmm, between Shingletown and Diamond Springs? I wouldn't havta flip a coin!
Aw, poor Heyes and Kid - all it took was one look and they got turned away.
Heyes knows the sheriff and vice-versa. Nope, not a good way to begin a day at all.
I don't blame Heyes for staring at the bank. Things are tough.
And now they get recognized AFTER getting outta the town safely?
One does have to feel sorry for Heyes and Kid - they hardly ever catch a break.
You've written them into a situation where things are really negative. They feel down and out and can't help feeling downhearted.
Great confab about what they should do next and why.
Glad to see that they're not quite ready to throw in the towel on amnesty.
You did a great job showing how things can take a turn for better or worse in the time it takes for a sunrise to change into a sunset. Thanks for sharing a day in the life of Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry with us - I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Calico

Calico

Posts : 760
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Birmingham

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeTue Oct 01, 2019 10:17 am


1) Maz

Maz me old fruit!! Back on the story writing.

And back puncturing the boys. I see Kid is getting a rest for a change though.
Wonderful bantering back and forth Mizz Maz.
Awww. They luvs each other.


2) WichitaRed

Hello there Red!

On, Heyes. You see – you should have gone to bed.
Good heavens! Chuck is a very, very bad drunk, huh?
Yeah, Kid – just in the nick of time and so accurate. What a great little action sequence showing off boy boys’ Red.

3) Nebraska Wildfire

Waves to Nebraska
Ah, you are tricking us into thinking we have our boys’ childhood, but really a much older Kid with a family of his own. And Heyes still has THE hat. Smile.
Awww – and they are thinking back to that fateful day. Sniff.


4) Kid4ever

Hello to you Kid4
I’m just glad Mizz Maz gave Kid a break this month, Kidfour, if you are going to hurt him.

Oh, poor Kid! I am sure every Curryette lip is a wobbling.
And – smile – excellent timing as the Kid responds out of nowhere.

And, we really like smart Adam don’t we?

Oh come on Kid, share your wish. It will make Kidfour want to cuddle you even more.
Aww, Kidfour, that was lovely.


5) MoulinP



This stranger – is it a leprechaun – or am I just too full of tea?
King Arthur! LOVE it…
And – only he can wield Excalibur. Really love it.
What happened to Sir Tainly? And the banker, Sir Plus?

Now, I may well be seeing that table in the near future.

LOVED that. How clever.


“I’ve just remembered. Years ago, my family did donate a round table to Winchester Castle. It hangs on the wall there. You can go and see it anytime.”


Another loud pitiful groan from Heyes and his head was back in his hands.


6) Penski

Hello there VS maitresse. Sir Tain as the Sun.

A nice traditional opening for the chaps – counting up the pennies, and – not enough.

Oh no, Heyes knows the sherriff. – so glad he’s looking at girls, not our boys.

Dear boys – I am so glad when honest living has grown on them. That was so simple, but really touching, Penski






Back to top Go down
Dan Ker



Posts : 43
Join date : 2019-05-19

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 03, 2019 1:40 am

I`m so sorry! I never seem to be able to find the correct place for my comments...So, dear authors, here are my comments for the month August:
1) Little BlueStem

A fearlessly jump into the unknown in the nick of time - only together, either die or survive, that`s the question with "one more step". Doesn`t matter if it`s already written for another story. A fitting scene for our boys as well..

2) InsideOutlaw

Once in a lifetime to get a lot of money to settle down comfortably - who wouldn`t like to dream about that? Your description of the sheriff as a man who kicks a man when he`s down is vivid, so the reader can see him right there sitting at his desk. Kid`s mentally withdrawing from that mean background voice is quite believable. "One small step across the line between honesty and stealing" ; the prompt is very good implemented, literally seen.
Of course Heyes appears to break the Kid out of jail...but not until he takes some refreshment...funny. I have to agree to the other comments, your used idiom at the beginning and at the end is a beautiful, skilful way of tying up loose ends.

3) Maz

Sometimes even our great outlaw leader needs some advice and encouragement, of course just to remind him as a matter of course that he thoroughly is able to do such a small step, or jump...Very funny to see how Heyes is on the brink of losing his face...thankfully he gets past his fear! Well, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Lovely to see how you made Heyes to try to backtrack on his own plan.
Great sentence: "I guess I have a lot to learn about theory and practise."
Brilliant dialogues as usual.
Kids arousing anger making Heyes gather all his courage and Kids threat to tell the other boys gives him the last push he needs... wonderful!

4) Kid4ever

Maybe it would have been better if Heyes had waited for the Kid to join up with him. But if his "back up" says "keep going"...always again beautiful to see they`re equal partners, even if something goes wrong...Well written dialogues, I loved Curry`s sarcastic replies.
Good idea how you implement the prompt "one small step, a little at a time" - the only way for him to move at all is to hop on his healthy foot. I could sympathize with the Kids reluctance to cut off his boot- they must appreciate a good pair of shoes, if you think how much they are on their way and fitting boots are expensive and hard to find...just think of all the blisters you can get from new shoes!
Besides: to google the prompt to get an idea for a story ..wow, upon what kind of funny things you can stumble, like the name of the shop!

5) RosieAnnie

I very much enjoyed your story. You implemented the prompt excellently. Funny your description of the two deputies. I`d love to see their dumbfounded faces when they face our two boys for the first time. What an impressing image they must submit! They mirror trouble, even two young, unexperienced deputies can see that!
You expound the prompt on two different ways:
a) "one small step" further and further towards amnesty. Their, so far, unobtainable goal, which they stand fast, so unwearying, though they receive so many setbacks. Once again, they call on Lom in order to ask if he knows something new. And are disappointed. Lovely to see how he attempts to encourage them.
b) Your description of the difficulties in their life.
Every step is exhausting and they can be glad of the small things life offers them...always short of money, they eagerly accept a meal for them, a job offer or to stay in a nice border house overnight for free. Normal things aren`t normal in general for them...for example, inviting a charming lady to dinner as Lom can do....
Great sentence: "No news is good news."No alternative. To endure and accept problems in your life ...and never ever give up. Don`t let yourself discourage by your problems and never lose track of life..."one small step " to look forward to tomorrow! For some people your story comes out just the right time.

6) Penski

A very enjoyable read. A really clever plot. I`m not a poker player but I assume "the dead man`s hand" is a bad omen...
Kids behaviour after hearing of Heyes` supposed death is very much in character, pushing his horse and himself relentlessly in order to reach the town where Heyes was staying as fast as possible.
Always wonderful to see how they manage to get some news unobstrusively So lovely to imagine how the black hat with the hole stands representatively for Heyes ( clothes make the man).
Very intelligent from the town people to lure the Kid to them...a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...and 10.000 Dollar for the town is better than nothing. A mean thing not to let Kid pay his respects at the coffin - by the way, what a coincidence they had a deceased at hand! I like the way you describe the Kid being so agitated by Heyes` death he doesn`t even want to eat.
The sheriffs attempt to provoke the Kid only results in paying the penalty.



Back to top Go down
Dan Ker



Posts : 43
Join date : 2019-05-19

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 03, 2019 1:44 am

And now, dear hardworking authors, here are the comments for September:
1 ) Maz McCoy

A short section of their dangerous life...a dark, moving story.
How much time lies between sunrise and sunset? Time for Heyes to recover from his (again left) hurt shoulder?
Regardless of how many hours there are it has to be enough...too dangerous to stay longer.
I like the way you make the Kid support Heyes that he doesn`t have to admit it`s him who needs to rest. Furthermore he confirms that he himself can use the rest..
Very interesting how you put emphasis on the time factor in your story. Sometimes time runs fast and sometimes slow...
Time flies if you sleep and you usually need more of it to recover of such a bad injury.
But according to the inner perception time is only slowly running if you have to stitch up and hurt your best friend while seeing him writhing and hearing him yelling, very realistic description. And if you have to wait for him to wake up. First in bed, then at the wood stove, then waiting at the window...to endure pain and to be patient, each requires a lot of bravery.
As always I love your dialogues, their banter keeps them alive and survive one or another crisis. One more time you prove your talent by writing a short story which is very close and believable to the series. Great.

2) WichitaRed

Relating to the plot you always received my comment. Now let`s take a look how you implemented the prompt.
Your story starts with sunset, usually the end of the day but Heyes is in his element playing poker while Kid wants to call it a night. "I can take care of myself.". Heyes wants to do without his "back up" who lets him do as he likes; not without giving him a good warning not to push things or win too much money...
Sunrise stands for the beginning of a day and sunset for the end of a day. Sometimes the one can be red as well as the other. And red is usually the colour of attention or danger. Sunset was hours ago and in this case given the way things are developing, there`s trouble ahead. Heyes is careless and without noticing he crosses the line.
I like the way you visualize the morning scene with the rising sun even if it`s not a red sunrise, the light shines through painted windows and underlines the red blood on the table...very fitting, your description. Heyes failed to be alert and his chances aren`t too good that he will see the following sunset....But in the nick of time and with his correct sense of occasion Kid appears. I love the way you make Heyes not being able to give in. And "about sunset we will be in a new place", where he can prove his ability to take care of himself.

3) Nebraska Wildfire

This isn`t only a beautiful but rather profound short story.
Nebraska Wildfire implements the prompt as a kind of enclosure of a day off. It starts with sunrise and Heyes` and Kid`s families spending the whole day outside with the children plying and all of them having a picnic. Obviously they are in Kansas in the near of their former homestead where they grew up.
Sunset isn`t mentioned specifically but is described in the last sentence.
I`m very impressed how much you have put into the story.
The meaning of sunset could be seen in different ways: at the end of a day you get the rest you deserve or: dark thoughts or nightmares can occur after sunset.
After all this time, remarkable how you make the Kid still feeling guilty that they survived the massacre. At the same time negative feelings overwhelm him like his parents certainly wouldn`t have approved of his former life. Or, whether the name his children inherited from him is a disadvantage for their further lives....
But, miraculously, the sun rises every morning again and with it there are their wonderful wives and children and everything else they have accomplished since they left the outlaw trail.. and can be proud of . Sunrise; a ray of hope...thanks Nebraska.


4) Kid4ever

I think Kid`s estimation is completely right: there`s an old adage in my country which says something like "the best illness is not worth a damn" and means if you`re ill it`s not worth anything if you`re not feeling well...And a bruised tailbone hurts!
It`s very interesting, your story resembles Nebraska Wildfire`s story concerning the deeper meaning of sunrise/sunset.
Right at the beginning you implement the prompt with Kid being disoriented after he was knocked out from a deep-hanging branch. Very good your description when he`s wakening up slowly, just being able to see the light shimmering through the leaves but not knowing which exactly time of the day it is, morning or evening. All over sore and confused about the circumstances, Heyes not being at his side, he has only one wish: " to let me live long enough to see another sunset."
I think this is a very believable request for one of them, regarding the fact how dangerous their lives are. To experience the next day, to see the next "sunrise" , not necessarily a normal thing...To slide back into unconsciousness at the same time as sunset could connote never to wake up again...
What a shame we will never know what a promise he would have made if his wish would come true...
Lovely your comparison of our two boys with the pair of brothers.
Kid`s dialogues are fitting and in character, as well as your using of Heyes` typical body posture with his wrists crossed on the saddlehorn.
Sweet how Heyes convinces him to reveal his wish, not an easy thing for a supposed to be strong courageous ex-outlaw.
Great last sentence: " Maybe wishes do come true sometimes..." that leads us to hope for their amnesty.
Congratulations, an improvement to your last story!

5) MoulinP

King Arthur and the legend of the sword...I`m afraid I don`t know too much about it, all I know is that he was the only one able to pull the sword out of the stone. Merlin, the wizard, of course, and there were knights, too, I remember.
But your story is amazing. It gives priority to the time factor and therefore resembles MazMcCoy`story. King Arthur waiting from sunrise to sunset for his friends to return...So many hours, again and again! Lovely, it doesn`t bother him. He`s full of confidence that they all will rejoin. He`s without any fear because of his wonderful weapon...Besides, I would have loved to see Heyes`face when he examines his hand...
I very much like the fact that you create Heyes as to be the one who immediately feels at unease with the man but is curious and polite enough to question him. And Kid, always to be the one who`s more suspicious, doesn`t believe a word he hears and thinks he`s insane...
Fitting your description how Heyes tries to approach the man, to make him feel comfortable in order to disclose the secret. He adapts his body posture and language..and then he can`t keep a straight face and his common speech returns...Funny!

6) Penski

A different approach of the prompt which resembles in its making Kids4ever story.
Very good your introduction. A colourful description of a sunrise and the early beginning of a new day. A very vivid, beautiful graphic narration which would do marvellously on screen with a matching music...But despite of the gorgeous surrounding circumstances it isn`t one of their best days. There are their biggest problems again: no job because they look too threatening, no supplies left, no possibility to settle down and in addition they have to suffer for their former sins to present themselves in person being "notorious outlaws". Not a chance to earn money in a poker game and getting away from a posse seems to become a routine...So, all together a vain attempt to achieve something useful.
"A fault confessed is half redressed." And with the mutual decision to stick to their goal, even if it`s a hard and troublesome way, sunset creeps in...a round story!



Back to top Go down
Nightwalker



Posts : 104
Join date : 2018-04-16
Age : 51
Location : Germany

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 03, 2019 9:34 am

MazMcCoy – A short but expressive scene with beautiful banter. You captured the boys perfectly being concerned about each other without showing it or admitting their own weakness. Of course, it’s just in the other one’s favor to stay a while longer.

WichitaRed - Nice little story. I can see the Kid getting impatient when he's already sensing what Heyes is heading for. He surely knows when he is needed and has a perfect timing. There's not much interaction between the boys, but in the few sentences you captured the chemistry between the boys very well. I especially like the short exchange at the end:
     
Quote :
Curry shook his head, backing toward the door, and as Heyes passed by, he whispered, “thought you could take care of yourself.”
    With a shrug, Heyes replied, “when do you ever give me a chance to prove it.”

Nebraska Wildfire - You wrote a beautiful story. It's such a light and easy feeling about your description of the little family gathering by the water. So nice to see the boys finally made it, found a home and made their peace with the past. You captured so much in such a short scene.
Most of all I love your descriptive language. You know I have a favor for stories that immediately create pictures in my mind and yours is just wonderful :-)

Kid4Ever – First of all I wanted to thank you for explaining Kid Curry what this hurt/comfort thing is all about and making him understand why he has to go through hard times now and then to be rewarded with our warmest sympathies. Hopefully he will Heyes let in on it and tell him with a mischievous grin that the same counts for him, so he won’t be too upset when he gets roughed up the next time in a Heyes’ girl’s story.
Your picturesque writing style drew me into the story immediately.
“Please let me live long enough to see another one.” This line is just heartbreaking, even more since he is all alone without his partner’s help. What a shock reading next about two boys pondering about him being dead or alive. The youngster’s banter is just lovely. Poor boys having to face a hurting, grumpy Kid Curry. I love how Adam is protecting his brother. He surely is alert. You drew a perfect parallel between the young boys and our pair of outlaws who are trying to go straight.

MoulinP - You settled for a funny story again and I really enjoyed it. Arthur King is just great and I so love the names of his 'knights'. "Coincidence" is a ridiculous and perfect explanation as well, but Heyes and Curry have experience of their own with circumstances nobody would ever believe.
Our poor boys always run into the strangest people the West has ever seen, but that's just reflecting the charm of the series.

Penski – I was lucky to get a third story with a lot of scenic atmosphere this month :-)
Surely, the boys were wide-eyed thinking they wouldn’t hurt anyone with robbing banks and trains. Maybe this side of them shows that they are still like boys sometimes. You story guides them through one of their less spectacular days, which fortunately means it’s a less dangerous one, too.
It’s easy to imagine that banks looked very appealing to Heyes every once in a while, and I’m glad he withstood the temptation. In the end it turns out it’s not one of their worst days either. They finish it with a warm meal accompanied by a hearty drink, enjoyed as free men in each other’s company, watching a beautiful sunset. What else can a man wish for?

_________________
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
-Dr. Seuss
Back to top Go down
WichitaRed
Moderator
WichitaRed

Posts : 522
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 03, 2019 11:00 am

Sunrise, Sunset: KID4EVER

Excellent job of creating a beginning scene that has an ominous foreshadowing feeling. Love that Kid came around with such a grand remark, ““You're both chickens, an' babies, an' you're giving me a headache!” a voice growled.”
The question just looms….where is Heyes? Were they runnin’ from a posse? What has happened? You can feel your confusion, right alongside Curry’s.
I Like Adam’s protection of Joey and how it is a direct correlation to how Heyes and Curry protect each other, which is all the more ominous with Kid alone and Heyes missing.
Good, loving banter between the cousins, an enjoyable tale. Thank you for sharing.

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
WichitaRed
Moderator
WichitaRed

Posts : 522
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 03, 2019 11:01 am

Sunrise, Sunset: MoulinP

Interesting beginning with the forlorn, well-dressed man on the river embankment. I do like the narration of their guys exchanged look. . . Perfectly done. Arther King sure is a mysterious, mythical sort of chap, surprise the well-read Heyes has not picked up on what is happening. But, then again he is tired, and this guy is so strange he had knocked him off his game, so to say.
Oh, but wait, Heyes is catching up and thinking now he is the loony one for what he is considering….this all gives me quite the grin….but I am a round table fan, so what can I say. Although, I do feel sympathy for the tremendous knightly headache Arthur King’s tale was giving to poor Heyes.

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."


Last edited by WichitaRed on Thu Oct 03, 2019 11:03 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
WichitaRed
Moderator
WichitaRed

Posts : 522
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 03, 2019 11:01 am

Sunrise, Sunset: Penski

Somehow your simple line of “stretched his cold cramped muscles as far as he could” locked the whole description down, making every point quite visual. Well done. This feels like such a standard, nothing out of the usual morning for them that it should be boring, yet I find trailing along with the guys as they move through their morning quite entertaining; possibly because I can see them so clearly through your description.
Excellent tension builder with Sherrif Jeff Johnson, but rather than being worried, Heyes..who is supposed to be on guard…has let his mind slip back into outlaw mode and is casing the bank. Love it. This really does feel like a typical day for them, well, them and their rough luck. “To Amnesty” I really enjoyed your story, thank you for sharing.

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
RosieAnnie

RosieAnnie

Posts : 832
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 102
Location : The Comfy Chair

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSat Oct 05, 2019 4:01 pm

Mistress Maz: You write this as if you had a hidden camera in the room, catching every little nuance and detail. It feels that real to me. The dialogue is as natural as sunset in the evening and sunrise in the morning. My favorite: “I tell you what, Heyes. How ‘bout we both rest up and see how we feel around sunset? That way we can leave under the cover of darkness.”
“If you need to rest I guess we can stay here a while longer.” Heyes met his friend’s blue-eyed gaze.
Kid smiled. “Thanks. I could use the rest.”

Wichita Red: What a way you have with language. Calling his hat "a battered reminder of glory days" evokes an entire history, of glory days gone leaving only a reminder. You pack so much, so eloquently, into a few words. And I understand Heyes' motivation, that he doesn't feel like "getting by" and wants more. Maybe the glory days? And, "A frown dug into Heyes’ face, his cheeks pulling tight as his eyes narrowed down with darkness." Yes, I can definitely see and feel his mood.

Nebraska Wildfire: Our boys have endured so much to find peace and redemption, it's really nice to see them enjoying quiet times with family. I enjoy Colleen, too, and I think it was a clever choice to use her as your point of view character.

Kid4Ever: Of course we all love a little hurt/comfort. I love Adam and Joey, daring each other to poke the unconscious man, and calling each other chicken. Typical little kids! And Adam is wise to be cautious with an armed stranger. I am glad that Kid wasn't hurt too badly, though, and that Heyes was nearby.

MoulinP: And why not have a strange little encounter in the forest? Of course, our boys are half curious/half wary. And both of them want to help the needy stranger by giving him a ride into town.

Penski: I'd say the alternate name for your story might be, A Day in the Life. Must have been some very tense moments for them after recognizing Sheriff Johnson and deciding to stay in town long enough to buy supplies. Very nice philosophical conversation between the boys at the end of that day, deciding to stick with their honest lifestyles.

_________________
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSat Oct 05, 2019 7:28 pm

Kid4ever – First bandit… poster! Oh, I’m loving the name Vulture City, Arizona. Was that a real town? I love historical information. I’m gonna be as quiet as a mouse, too, as Heyes tell me about it. LOL… watching the ladies. I’m picturing some scantily-clad soiled doves on a balcony enticing the men to “come up and see me sometime”. Loving the names Belladonna, Topaz, Alizon, and Prospero. (I love dark and light chocolate) WHAT!?! The chocolate is… Shocked Phew! Wonderful bantering, Kid4ever. What possibly nightmares indeed! brb Oh, more historical notes and some interesting websites. Great challenge, Kid4ever, and thanks for the history lesson! two thumbs

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Online
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSat Oct 05, 2019 10:09 pm

Thank you for the comments, Penski, and since you asked:

Yes, Vulture City WAS a real town in Arizona. Some folks might remember a place called Wickenburg? Well, according to the site: Vulture city grew up around the mine discovered by Henry Wickenburg. Twelve miles southwest of the city that now bears Wickenburg's name, the Vulture Mine and Vulture City once had a population of almost 5,000 souls. Today, it is one of finest true ghost towns in the American West.

I'll add the link to my notes at the end of my challenge for those who might want to read up on it  

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Maz

Maz

Posts : 441
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 59
Location : London, England

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 11, 2019 9:52 am

OOh Kid4ever you gave Heyes nightmares. For a moment I thought it was the headless horseman but no...worse...vampires! Ahhh! Great stuff.
I do like the light chocolate though sm

_________________
Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 11, 2019 7:31 pm

Maz - That's it? The story is done? There's no more in that imagination of yours? So, just a thought... IF there's more, it'd be a good VS story. sm No pressure, but if you found some free time or need an ASJ break and wanna write a story, your story wouldn't be turned down. Just a thought. By the way, it's a really good challenge!

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Online
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 14, 2019 1:02 pm

MAZ:

Nice eerie set-up with Heyes alone in the dark. You gave us some great details for our imagination to work on. By the end, I'm in the dark as much as Heyes is in regards to where he might be and who might be walking towards him. Nice touch to leave us with a cliffhanger; now we wait with bated breath to find out what happens next. You will be sharing that with us real soon, right?   draw    sm

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Maz

Maz

Posts : 441
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 59
Location : London, England

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeMon Oct 14, 2019 1:49 pm

Penski, I think I might have an idea to continue the story. It might be nice to spend a little time riding with the boys. It'll take me away from the harsh realities of life. I'm working on extending the story and if it looks like making a VS I'll send it your way. Thanks for giving me the tiniest of shoves. two thumbs

_________________
Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
Penski

Posts : 1622
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 60
Location : Northern California

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeWed Oct 16, 2019 5:35 pm

Wichita Red - What a dark and intense challenge! You sure packed a lot in under 3,000 words. My heart raced as they tried to outrun the storm. I can't image trying to hold the horses down. And then finding the homestead... so very sad. I'm sure it brought back dark memories of their own. Outstanding dark challenge!

By the way, keep those storm stories coming! Love hearing how it might've been.

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Online
WichitaRed
Moderator
WichitaRed

Posts : 522
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeThu Oct 17, 2019 7:35 am

KID4EVER Challenge: The dark

What a great dialogue line: “Joshua, you're gonna havta give me more'n that if you want me to keep listenin' to you.”

Made me smile here…good job…It was Heyes' turn to give Kid 'the look'. “Uh, huh.” He returned to reading the paper.

WOW…Curry lost his appetite, that just doesn’t seem possible. LOL

Fun little tale enjoyed your use of light and dark…too fun.


MAZ Challenge: The dark

My goodness Maz, I caught myself sitting here with my mouth open as I read deeper and deeper into Heyes’ predicament and then you closed the gate….leaving me hanging right there on the edge of the darkness with Heyes not knowing what might occur next. Dang, gal that is just cruel. Good Halloween feeling tale.





_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeFri Oct 18, 2019 8:19 pm

WichitaRed:

I really enjoyed all the descriptive words as the storm approached. I could feel it increasing in strength and definitely felt sorry for Heyes and Kid dealing with the elements. Having been caught a few times in a torrential deluge like that myself, I can only be thankful that I was on the right side of the water - no rivers for me to cross.

Trying to outrun a funnel cloud ain't no picnic either. As I read your story, you made me feel as if I was in danger as well, riding along with the pair until they finally found refuge. THEN, they had to save their horses - I can only imagine the genuine terror animals and men felt at the moment the tornado was overhead.

By the end of the storm, I was as spent as they were - your words evoked a feeling of desperation and I had to remind myself to breathe.

THEN... they found the homestead and the family... awwwwww No

Great way to use the prompt and incorporate all the elements of a story guaranteed to keep the reader's attention until the very last word. applause

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Kid4ever

Kid4ever

Posts : 217
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : A GYPSY IN THE USA

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSun Oct 20, 2019 8:42 am

Penski:

Nice set-up, lulling us into a false sense of security. Yep, I was lulled, alright.
Aww, not the Kid - again? No  Poor guy... must make a note that he requires more comforting.  sm  
Can't say as I blame Kid for wanting to escape; I would too if it were me!
I love how you used the simple approach with the scene when Kid loses consciousness. It made it seem all that much more 'tense'.
Ah, but he's not just escaping in the usual way.
Your words took us to a place where Heyes and Curry don't usually go and gave us some insight into what could have been if Kid had decided to stay.
Interesting way to work in the dark vs. the light - many contrasts throughout your challenge.
That IS one beautifully colored sunset. I don't blame the boys for taking the time to admire it.
You made the sunset, as well as the aspects of dusk, dark, etc. come alive for the reader. Made me want to be there to watch it in person with Heyes and Kid.  yes
Just when I thought the challenge was over... Kid decides to share. That can't have been an easy thing for him to do. You handled the conversation wonderfully between the two friends. We've all had that moment with our own friends, haven't we?  lol2
Finishing up with a shooting star to light up the dark was a clever way to end the challenge. Kudos, oh great leader,  applause for another well-written challenge!

_________________
writing "My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel -- it is, before all, to make you see..." ~~ Joseph Conrad ~~ study
Back to top Go down
Maz

Maz

Posts : 441
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 59
Location : London, England

Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitimeSun Oct 20, 2019 2:15 pm

WichitaRed..amazing description as the tornado approached  morerain and then...oh the sadness of the poor family. Powerful stuff Sad

Penski...Aww all is forgiven. Their family were there... sorrykitty and hey, you shot Kid!! Shocked

_________________
Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Empty
PostSubject: Re: Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...   Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019  to ... - Page 3 Icon_minitime

Back to top Go down
 
Awestruck comments - May 1st 2019 to ...
Back to top 
Page 3 of 14Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4 ... 8 ... 14  Next

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Alias Smith and Jones Writers  :: The Writing Spot :: The Story Challenge :: Awestruck Comments-
Jump to: