Alias Smith and Jones Writers

A forum devoted to writers of Alias Smith and Jones Fan Fiction
 
HomePortalGalleryFAQSearchRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1 ... 8 ... 12, 13, 14, 15, 16  Next
AuthorMessage
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1208
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 02, 2017 6:46 pm

Cornelia May – Heyes’ job doesn’t seem that “leisurely” if he’s concerned about going out in Indian country. Agent Knight seems to think they’re fairly safe. Did they really send orphan Indian children back East? Okay, my first thought is that the girl has measles. Am I right? Probably not because the doctor would have known. So now Heyes is being paid to babysit while the agent goes to find the mother. Interested to see where this goes. thumbsup

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Nebraska Wildfire

avatar

Posts : 37
Join date : 2016-10-31
Location : East of the Mississippi

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 02, 2017 8:50 pm

So many great stories this month.

sistergrace:  It's great to see a modern day story, even if it had it's sad aspect.  I always want to think of our boys riding into the sunset forever, but his one was gently done.  It was nice that the couple showed such respect and let him continue to rest in a beautiful spot.

Penski:   I like the characters of Gertie and her father.  Wouldn't we all dream of an answer of yes, no matter which one we were asking?  I like Heyes asking to to take care of the Kid.  I think that helped Gertie's father realize the boys weren't all bad.

Cornelia May:  An interesting job for Heyes.  Will we get to see some new aspects and issues with they boys getting involved in the local disagreements with the Native Americans.  Will she be sent back east?  Will they find her mother?  Intriguing plot line.
Back to top Go down
Cornelia May

avatar

Posts : 69
Join date : 2013-01-10
Age : 21
Location : Gettysburg, PA

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Sat Jun 03, 2017 7:04 pm

@Penski

I am assuming a number of Indian children that were sent east to the Carlisle Indian Industrial School were orphans. It wouldn't surprise me if the majority were since much like today, life on the reservation was a struggle. I do know that the curricula activities I mentioned are accurate to what was taught in on and off reservation Indian boarding schools at the time, as is the doctor's attitude towards the little girl's illness. TB was also a common illness among the children at the CIIS and that some of the children that died were buried on the school grounds. I actually live about an hour and fourty-five minutes from Carlisle, PA so I did learn a little about it in history class when we went over local history in the four state area (for me that's MD, PA, VA, and WV).

_________________
"The only thing in life you have to earn is love, everything else you can steal." ~Hannibal Heyes
Back to top Go down
sistergrace

avatar

Posts : 501
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Tue Jun 06, 2017 12:09 pm

May Challenge Comments

Nebraska Wildfire -  Sheesh!  You can call me sappy, but when the Kid called that little gal "darlin'" it set my heart a-flutterin'.  heart  I liked the flow of conversation between HH and KC in this piece, Nebraska.  And yes, I did wonder at first about sending her to Valparaiso, but then I remembered your other story.  Good challenge!  

WichitaRed - Loved the lines about both men remembering the song of the Meadowlark. Also liked the part about pronouncing the river's name like the locals do.  Smart fella, Hannibal Heyes.  (You too!)  Favorite line:  “Well, now, I am right glad, I have your guard dog leashed, Heyes; he looks like he has some bite to him.” cigar

nm131 - Writing in only dialog has left you with NO shortage of great lines!  There are just to many to mention.  I started to, but then I would find another, and another, and another.  cowboyclap  Loved this, nm.

Cal - Thanks for the education.  You've taught me a new word - schadenfreude.   reading I looked it up only to find it meant pretty much what I thought it might just by the way you used it.  Uncanny that both you and I used unearthed bodies that held an old Army issued gun.  13smilie  Truly a coincidence since I had not read your challenge until today.  I LOVE the part where Kid helps with Heyes' plan by making him appear more "authentically" beaten up.  Looking forward to more.  


cac - This was a fun challenge!  I giggled at HH's plan to go back to their days of robbing banks, only this time giving the money to the poor.  safe  Favorite line:  “But we’re still wanted “Dead or Alive,” Heyes. It’s the “dead” part I don’t like.”

Penski - Gertie is a sweetheart.  Loved the proposal and "acceptance" lines from Gertie and Kid.  congrats  I especially enjoyed your many references back to the original series. Two thumbs up!  two thumbs

Cornelia May -  A very interesting beginning and different take on the prompt.   applause Sure hope the fellas didn't find more trouble than they can handle this time.  Looking forward to the next installment. sm

_________________
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Back to top Go down
Cal

avatar

Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-01-06
Age : 58
Location : Wales UK

PostSubject: finders Keepers   Wed Jun 07, 2017 3:36 am

Calico - ...One boot each!.... and hop!... Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing  You're a wicked pussycat!

Heyes wouldn't wait to post another challenge... 'Along came a Spider' is all done and dusted and posted here

http://asjbuckshot.forumotion.com/t453-along-came-a-spider-7500-words-an-outlaws-tale

I didn't complete my feedback


Nelia
- 1883- Near a Cheyenne Indian Reservation - love that confident precision... something tells me we've got a writer that knows her stuff (other than what she learned as a child of the seventies growing up watching westerns like so many of us.)

Like Penski, I don't think Heyes' job sounds leisurely....sounds dangerous.  Loving the advise...   not to be a coward and run off like the last guy lol2 That policy on kids sounds very like the Australian policy with aboriginal children back in the day ... a total disaster. Horrible to think about. OOOH interesting....they 've already found a child... and taking her back to town... oh...in the light of what the agent said ...that may be a terrible idea.  Glad you put the guys back together.

So he's left Heyes babysitting the sick girl... is this the beginning of your new fanfic Nelia... excellent set up... I'd definitely read on.
Back to top Go down
Cornelia May

avatar

Posts : 69
Join date : 2013-01-10
Age : 21
Location : Gettysburg, PA

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:39 am

@Cal

Funny story Cal, I'm actually only 21. I was introduced to ASJ while spending two weeks with my mom's parents around my sophomore (2010 or 2011) year of high school; I didnt start writing fanfic until 2013. They dont have cable so the show did a summer run on METV or something like that. The first episode I ever saw was Night of the Red Dog, and this remains my favorite to this day. Took me about a year to find and watch all the eps. on YouTube and then I found my way to the fanfic.net archive and eventually made my way to this forum.

_________________
"The only thing in life you have to earn is love, everything else you can steal." ~Hannibal Heyes
Back to top Go down
Cal

avatar

Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-01-06
Age : 58
Location : Wales UK

PostSubject: Nelia   Wed Jun 07, 2017 7:22 am

Nelia..... 21????????? You're younger than all four of my children.... I so love that you are a fan... and willing to give fanfic writing a go, about the gorgeous twosome.... I hope you take this as its meant... I would not have guessed your age from your writing... which is timeless.

I was well smitten by 21 and I had a book of stories that I'd written as a student.  Some of them have been rewritten for my thread... they could not have appeared as written by my 21 year old self....lol.

My first episodes were the Roger episodes....in black and white.... (Hardly dare breathe that out loud lol..) and Kid stole my heart.   We didn't have a telly in the early seventies... I had audio cassette tape of some of the Pete episodes .... The clunks...as The boys hit the floor in Stagecoach seven didn't mean anything to me till years later!

Now I know I'm sounding like a dinosaur... BUT... imagine my joy... years (40) later... seeing my gorgeous boys riding the West in full colour HD on a wide screen telly.... I knew about the tragedy that befell dear Pete by then... so I tried hard to protect myself from falling for the dimpled outlaw .... BUT .. it was impossible... I saw the pilot ....which I'd never seen before... and fell head over heels.  (Roger wasn't the type of actor you fell for romantically... Not with Ben at his side anyway.... but Pete!!!!)

Another thing you may not have heard... The Day they hanged Kid Curry was deemed too.... nasty (I think) to air in the UK... So that scene of Kid in the bath (I had the poster ...till it fell apart) No one got to see that here till reruns years and years later....

WOW...I really love that you're so young and can still appreciate a series from my era... just goes to show ...it was streaks ahead of anything else on TV
Back to top Go down
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 463
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 09, 2017 8:03 am

Penski. Formula for everything
Poor boys, it makes you wonder how much of their daily life is just as you wrote in the set up.
Unlike Mr. Franklin's job interview method, very clever on your behalf. I like the training session it was interesting and the formula for accuracy well described. I also like that you show Hannibal Heyes has skill with a gun it. That is often left out. Thank you for the fun story

Inside outlaw. Formula for everything
As always I loved your perfection at dialogue. The pranks they were playing on each other were quite hilarious and Hannibal Heyes was absolutely perfect. Great job and thanks for sharing

Cornelia may formula for everything

I feel your pain here and hope things get more in line so you can do what you want



_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 463
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 09, 2017 12:52 pm

Finders keepers

Cal
Absolutely wonderful description...The dust plume, thrown up by the horse’s feet, formed an ominous pointer to the Bounty Hunter’s position.  

Oh boy Heyes arrogance has turned to anger this could be interesting
Good line I can see Heyes disgusted snarl but it still made me giggle....“Finders Keepers!” barked Heyes incredulously.
“What are you? … TEN!”
Had to look this up...schadenfreude...good word
Absolutely love kids reaction and how he punches his partner saying well you look pretty beat up now..oh boy I have you got his inner workings down....The dark eyes simmered.  Scores were being counted, and stored up for later....... really and truly enjoyed this piece thank you for sharing

CAC

How cool, elizabeth is not a bad guy so to say.

Lol....Sometimes I even dream people write stories about it, and sometimes we get it, sometimes we don’t, but I’m tired of it.... awfully Coy of you.

Sad part is I can see Heyes point of view...and here after the Trevor's and porters worked so hard for them


SisterGrace
Your right that was rather sad, put a hitch in my throat. Nice writing though


Penski

There is sweet story with a lot of emotion involved. I enjoyed your character Gertie, thanks for sharing


Cornelia may
Wonderful start to a story. I am very curious to see where you go. Thank you for sharing






_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
nm131

avatar

Posts : 85
Join date : 2012-05-04
Location : New Jersey, USA

PostSubject: Finders Keepers   Tue Jun 13, 2017 6:14 pm

I'm just finishing up the Finder Keepers challenge stories, sorry I'm a bit late.

Penski - Gertie and Hank Black were a nice change of pace from the usual cast of characters our boys meet. You wrote them very well with dignity, respect and humor. Can't say I blame Gertie for wanting to keep who she found and interpreting Kid's mutterings as a yes.

Cornelia May - I always love when I learn things as well as being entertained and your story accomplished both. I hope you continue the narrative. Heyes and Curry do seem to be sympathetic towards the Native Americans.
Back to top Go down
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 463
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 16, 2017 8:40 am

Cac -- Canada

Got a huge kick out of your short bit for this month...such statements draw a person right down into a story. What a cool little clip, with great insight. Fun Fun Fun...as the beach boys would say

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
sistergrace

avatar

Posts : 501
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:16 pm

cac - An almost poetic feel to this snippet.  It definitely grabbed my attention.  Would make a great opening for a longer story.  You've nicely conveyed the similarities between the adrenaline rush the Kid feels in a fast draw and his feelings of exhilaration with this woman, Canada.  And perfectly understandable that Heyes would not relish anything about a shoot-out, other than the ease of tension at the end when he sees Curry standing and in one piece.  draw  Nice challenge!

WichitaRed - This installment of your on-going challenge is thrilling!  cowboyclap  I enjoyed it immensely, and found the last paragraph particularly...I'm looking for the right word.  Satisfying.  It hits the spot, allowing for a moment of reflection amidst the terrifying storm.  Well done!
 

_________________
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Back to top Go down
cac



Posts : 87
Join date : 2016-03-16

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:30 pm

Sister Grace-oops! I should have been clearer that it is Kid who doesn't feel the pleasure at the draw but only at the ease (his skill)-I always think of Heyes as the one who is grinning after Kid draws and tells the loser just how it's going to be, Kid taking care of business while Heyes just gets a kick out of watching it happen again and again. I'm speaking in general of course, not when he was facing someone like Danny or Briggs, but Kid had to always consider if the man he was facing was a killer like Danny and he just didn't know it yet.

I'm thinking of Heyes' marvelous grin in the barn with Jim Stokley or the random bar scenes throughout where Heyes' only concern is that a sheriff doesn't happen to be watching Kid do his draw. I love their pride in each other.

I had been thinking about how guns are a classic phallic symbol, and it struck me how that rush of adrenaline could apply in several situations. I did write it intending for it to be the start of a longer story, but it was done. And it's the sort of thing someone might muse on during a long ride, just that fragment, not the whole story. (I love reading whole stories but thus far prefer to write only segments of them!)

WR - You really built the suspense well, especially with this: “The rolling moonlight sea of clouds was building, boiling, rising, becoming a towering formation…. Sensing the impending wrath in the dark blackness ahead of them, the horses whickered, their ears flicking back and forth, as they twitched and hopped beneath their saddles.” And then with Howard’s hat skittering away. You used the various senses very effectively! It was nicely done too how you showed at the beginning that there really was no way for them to escape...except for some extreme event, which, in the plains, why not this?
Back to top Go down
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 463
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Thu Jun 22, 2017 9:00 pm

CANADA

Nebraska Wildfire
Great opening description, details put you right in the spot. Something about the way you delivered this line (The Kid looked over at his partner of many years. “Heyes?”) I could quite literally see Kid saying it. Love that you followed it right up with them doing a November robbery….good stylization. Really a cool description, (Heyes eyes glittered through the snowflakes sticking to his eyelashes) Really an intriguing story, you cranked the tension up good with the snow storm, enjoyed your dialogue immensely and your twist at the end gave me a well needed smile. Thanks for sharing.

Cornilia May
Enjoy the whole opening, the attentive sympathy Heyes has for the girl. You describe her fever as if you are one with experience…well done. It is a very nice start to a warm and charming tale. Thanks for sharing. Oh, also…this is a really great line, "Ha, your luck? More like our luck."





_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1208
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:37 pm

Finally found a little bit of time to comment on the challenges. Been a busy month with my business moving.


Wichita Red – Oh, a violent storm! Yep, those come up fast. I can’t even imagine galloping on a horse with your hands tied behind your back holding on to the cantle. And it’s not over… both guys are scared and with good reason. Good way to get away from the bad guys. Waiting for next month’s segment.

Nebraska Wildfire – Phew… it wasn’t hard for me to imagine how hot it was. We just finished nine days of over 100 degrees. Brrr… now you have the opposite temps going on. Seems if they’re having a string of bad luck with the weather. Always listen to the Kid if he feels you’re being watched or followed. Oh, interesting twist at the end. Very good!

Cornelia May – Oh, they’re still nursing the young Indian girl. Cute line – “We don’t speak Canadian.” Good thing the Kid found the ice. Interested to see where this story goes.

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
nm131

avatar

Posts : 85
Join date : 2012-05-04
Location : New Jersey, USA

PostSubject: Canada   Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:50 pm

cac - For a short snippet of a scene it sure did give this Kidette mutiple points to ponder - the ease of the draw and the natural affable charm along with the potential serious consequences of his skill in both. The last sentence brought to mind the sensual draw of pleasure related to the confident bad boy. I don't know if you intended but I can picture this scene between Curry and Canada as a morning after demonstrations of both sides of Kid Curry.

WitchitaRed - A cataclysmic event was the only way Heyes and Curry were going to escape their very competent captors. I've spent most of my life on the midatlantic east coast where nature's fury is sporadic and usually not a severe as it is in other parts of the country. Your wonderfully descriptive writing made my senses prickle and my heart race right along with the partners at the sheer terror a twister must be out on the plains.

Nebraska Wildfire - Liked Heyes' response to Curry's complaining in Arizona. Good use of the Black Feet and I especially liked the ending with both parties got something they needed and The Black Feet leader one uppance.

Cornelia May - I'm glad you continued this story. It's somewhat of a twist to see Heyes so involved with a child as that's usually Curry's role but it comes across very natural and he seems to be emotionally invested in her future. For the time being Heyes is taking good care of the girl and we shall have to wait for another installment to her fate.
Back to top Go down
cac



Posts : 87
Join date : 2016-03-16

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Tue Jun 27, 2017 7:57 pm

nm131: Yes, yes I did intend that :) And I think it's the sort of thing he'd ponder later too. I do fear I was too vague, but I liked the flow of words, so I left it. I have actually flip-flopped a little on whether or not his pleasure at his guns skills but not at the overall situation (because of the stress of having to decide each time whether to simply intimidate, disable, or kill) does also apply to his time with women. I guess it comes down to whether or not there were bigger consequences, and I'd think not, not with saloon women and not with precautions. So it would stand in contrast. But then, he's a wanted man, he can't afford a relationship, etc. So maybe. So my vagueness about whether or not that concept (pleasure at the skill, not the overall situation) applies to both guns and women worked for me :) And I liked leaving it vague if Canada was a saloon girl or more of a Michelle character, someone he actually cared for but would have to leave.

Nebraska Wildfire: What a great story! I love the flip-flop of too hot/too cold. These kinds of descriptive details are great: “The dust swirled around the horses’ hooves, but they were also tired, so it didn’t spook them.”

Heyes’ conciliatory nature, Kid going along with all the various plans until being asked that one thing, so true to their natures. Well done.

And then the surprise at the end. I wonder what THAT story is!

Cornelia May: I'm curious too about why Knight is willing to pay Heyes to take care of her. Is there more to this situation with Knight than meets the eye?
Back to top Go down
Nebraska Wildfire

avatar

Posts : 37
Join date : 2016-10-31
Location : East of the Mississippi

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:42 pm

cac:  So many sensations in so few words!  You captured how the Kid has so many different sides, yet still is consistent in very lyrical prose. Definitely much on which to muse.

Wichita Red:  This installment had such a sense of motion and tension equal to the weather bearing down on them. I've lived in Tornado Alley all my life but there was a feeling to this scene going beyond the typical fear of the weather. Of course the boys always get themselves into such situations beyond their control. Hopefully they will come out on top of this one.  I liked the end showing their interdependence.

Cornelia May:  I liked this story showing Heyes' caring nature. He shows it in the series with the Kid but this shows a side I think he tends to keep hidden. The girl's trust at the end shows that she sees it too.  
Back to top Go down
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 463
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 30, 2017 8:27 am

Nm131. Canada

I thoroughly enjoyed your story. I felt tension and that dreadful not in my stomach as I read it. how extremely unfair. Your descriptions of curry in every way we're perfect. Dialogue was dead on and how extremely unfair. Your descriptions of Paris in every way you're perfect the emotion level tensely cranked up. I did find myself wondering how they got in touch with each other, but it worried me a little as I was glad they were getting back together Well written piece definitely broke through your writers block. Great job wow

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
sistergrace

avatar

Posts : 501
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 30, 2017 2:16 pm


Nebraska Wildfire - Too hot, too cold, pursued by a posse, then Indians... This was indeed some kind of wild Canadian adventure for the fellas.  Oh my!  How did the leader know!  Very enjoyable challenge, Nebraska.


Cornelia May -  Cute line - "One problem with that, we don't speak Canadian."  Very reminiscent of the series.  Interesting story.  I sure hope both HH and KC don't contract whatever sickness the girl has!


nm131 -  Mr. Curry will be "taken care of" shortly?  Uh-oh.  I am nervous for him already.  Sheesh, nm, if THIS is how you write with writer's block, may you be plagued by it continually!  Great story.  Loved it.  Especially the ending!


Cal - Awww... Dear Seth.  Such a difficult time for the boys.  I can imagine them dreaming of cold Canada during their trip through the hot, hot desert.  Good thinking, Cal.


Note to cac on your reply to me - Wow, I'm sorry. Sad  I guess I got this one all wrong!

_________________
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1208
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 30, 2017 6:50 pm

Nm131 – SHEESH!!!  
Okay, I suppose I should say more.  That governor… I just wanna…  Life’s not fair and this proves it.  Curry sure took in the news and reacted.  Lucky that they were willing to give him a head start and not immediately arrest him.  You did an excellent job showing Heyes in shock.  Feel for all three men. Love your 18 months later.  It didn’t surprise me that Heyes would have taken off after the Kid.  Excellent read and play of my emotions!


two thumbs


Cal – LOL… I also think snow and winter when I’m too hot.  I can’t imagine getting mentally prepared to cross that desert (dang Bison).  So if the Kid is thinking of killing Bilson, was it pre-mediated when he shot him dead?  Really good dialog!


two thumbs


Sister Grace – And speaking of dialog… I don’t see how you guys can write just dialog.  It amazes me.  And you gave us some interesting facts about Canada, too.  Glad you joined in on the fun.

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
cac



Posts : 87
Join date : 2016-03-16

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Fri Jun 30, 2017 11:13 pm

nm131:
You just always nail the Kid: “Kid crossed his arms, leaned against the reception area wall, and tried to shake off the sudden tingle of trepidation running down his spine. Already exceedingly wary by virtue of his location alone, Curry was hyper aware of the surrounding sounds and movement. Blue eyes focused….”

I’m happy you have 2 other stories going!

Cal:
What a neat twist on the Canada theme. Of course they’d be fantasizing about ice, and snow, and coolness…with a touch of the surreal thrown in. Favorite line: “Get your skates on….”

SisterGrace:
What fun! I had to look up Saskatoon Pie, and I think it’s quite possible that a blueberry version will be on the menu tomorrow ☺
And no worries re my story-several people were confused. I liked the word flow apparently more than clarity! That'll teach me to listen more to my husband-he told me it was confusing, but I knew what I meant, so I went with it!

Penski:
Love the word play : “Well, it’s cool enough for us now.”

Oh, you’ve got lots of good lines this month! ““There’s plenty of folks named Smith and Jones and we just happen to be two of them,” Heyes said curt.” Yeah, I’d get tired of hearing that again and again too!

And I love this! “I wouldn’t care if you were Jesse and Frank James or Heyes and Curry, as long as you’re willin’ to share your food.” Hehe!

Moose Jaw!

And this, it just rings true, how they share a deeper intent in regular dialogue while just chatting with others: ““I know somebody like that.” The Kid smiled when he got a look from Heyes.”

Good coffee, I guess Kid made it, or maybe Heyes, and that makes it funny.

Great wrap up. Nice job, Penski.
Back to top Go down
Cal

avatar

Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-01-06
Age : 58
Location : Wales UK

PostSubject: Canada   Sat Jul 01, 2017 1:22 am

WOW... what a treat... lots of stories this month... I'll be popping back all day to get my feedback in....

cac -  memory fragment,  I think we're free to take from this what we want cac... Thank you ... I got a not so dressed Kid ... by a cabin window, freshly out of a rumpled, occupied bed ... looking out onto a snow filled wilderness ... quietly pleased with himself and then a little reality of his lifestyle intruding... Lovely moment.

Wichita Red -  month ten, wow... that's flown by! Excellent read this month Red.... lol ... I know this is dire circumstances, and I shouldn't laugh... but when I read.... "...I got to be your bedroll pal each night.".... I could just see Heyes' indignant face, and had to laugh.  Your descriptive work is fab as always and much appreciated. I think your building of the tension as the storm approaches is masterful... Then a bolt struck, so big and loud, it was like a finger of God blinding and shaking the group down to their bones. ... soooo many good lines here ... that terror was palpable on the page... and wonderful end with the prayer and the regret... I know I say it every month ...but this is the best yet... fab!
Back to top Go down
Cal

avatar

Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-01-06
Age : 58
Location : Wales UK

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Sat Jul 01, 2017 3:49 am

Me again! Dogs walked....

NBW - Good set of scene... I'm there...  Heyes the outlaw leader not cock sure... What happened at the bank? Ha...loving the idea of the next one being in the cold. November! good one. This is a brilliant plan. ...oh cock sure is back...love the flashback to the desert... sounds like the end of their run of luck as the most successful outlaws in the West to me... ooh I'm liking the First Nation encounter and good ending... Great read.

Nelia
- Ah.. the story continues... Heyes ... fatherly... aw bless... and he's made up his mind..."That's not going to happen.".....Kid's the pragmatist this time... love the don't speak Canadian and the reprise of ... They speak two languages...excellent dialogue. And she knows instinctively to trust them.... Good job. Looking forward to seeing how this pans out.... not sure what Knight is up to.
Back to top Go down
Cal

avatar

Posts : 218
Join date : 2016-01-06
Age : 58
Location : Wales UK

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   Sat Jul 01, 2017 8:57 am

Getting there... really good selection this month

Nm131 - No no no... Not a tired plot ... I've read this twice now... nearly couldn't eat my lunch... That must have been difficult to write...( I'd have had to write it from behind the sofa)... and you missed the bit where Kid comes out of the shower (Bath?) ... AND ITS ALL BEEN A HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE.... scared OK... it was brilliant.. very well written and played havoc with my emotions... but kudos for a perfect challenge story.

Cal - weird how that fits so well after nm131's tale... Kid being in Canada... lol... Penski - I don't think this counts as premeditation... I think they're just fantasising about killing Danny... they don't really expect to leave the desert... Kid's just finding his motivation... and after a few days ...Heyes decides he needs to join in. They haven't lost Seth yet , or run out of water.. there's a very long road till they meet Danny again.

Sister Grace - Dialogue only... that's a script in my book... of course it was easy for me... you all know exactly what's happening in Smiler...

I am loving the Kid asides... dripping sarcasm... so very Kid. He may not be very interested but I'm learning... My Dad was Canadian and I know so little about the place... Hehe I'm hearing echoes of the "I'll get me a book!" debate... love the snatching...July 1, 1867??? that's 150 years ago today! WOW... Did I get that right? That's so cool... Thank you SG. Another excellent read.  Are all the Canadian's celebrating... with Saskatoon Pie ???

Penski - Ah... Laying low till things cool off , in Canada... (Seems more likely to me than Mexico... but I guess it was easier to film Mexico ... in California.) I'm liking the visitor to their camp... I'm seeing scenes from the Revernant... That bear skin and the head for a hat... puts you right into the snowy wastes. Brrrrrr... the banter here is perfect... Smith and Jones.... get him telling the bear story... Aw... the ending was nicely judged... just another reason for them to consider giving up their life on the run... fab.

Difficult month for voting....again... excellent work all round.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17   

Back to top Go down
 
Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....2nd Sept 17
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 13 of 16Go to page : Previous  1 ... 8 ... 12, 13, 14, 15, 16  Next
 Similar topics
-
» Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014
» Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15
» Awestruck Comments
» Little Leigh Steam Party - Leigh Arms Public House, Cheshire - 1st & 2nd October
» October Artist Contest ~Halloween Edition!~

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Alias Smith and Jones Writers  :: The Writing Spot :: The Story Challenge :: Awestruck Comments-
Jump to: