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Nebraska Wildfire

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Sun May 14, 2017 5:52 pm

WichitaRed:  The description at the beginning to set the scene is so evocative of the prairie, with the land seeming flat, but is not, and the meadowlark and cottonwoods.  It's obvious you've been there, and now so is the reader.  I also love stories that say so much with one line:  "I remember," "We are no longer from around here."  I also want to steal some of your descriptions of the boys.  I've struggled to express those exact expressions.  However, since we are reformed outlaws now, I can't.  :)

nm131:  How perfect the dialogue that can paint an entire scene, without any descriptive passages.  We knew exactly what was happening.  It was also a perfect way to write this because the scene started in a dark cave, with the boys not seeing much, so no description is needed.  The voices and characterizations ring so true.  I love the Kid calming the innate greed in Heyes.  It takes both of them to keep the drive for amnesty going, doesn't it?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Sun May 14, 2017 8:43 pm

Did you guys see the meme on FB with a gunslinger (maybe from Tombstone? ASJ is really the only Western I like) doing his fancy gun spinning thing with the caption: “The Original Fidget Spinner” Ha! ☺

NW: I like your descriptions, the mix of sentence length and some fun alliteration: “The sky was steel gray.  The clouds were dark and rolling, wave after wave. The wind was slicing through their coats with a chill that left their teeth chattering.“

“Big dogs…” Nice ☺

I really like the characterization of the sheriff. Savvy enough to know that these drifters aren’t just regular drifters; savvy enough to see that it’s only logical that they are telling the truth and are decent people to enter a sheriff’s office with the girl. I teach tough kids in a high school, and I’m sometimes faced with situations where I know there’s more going on than meets the eye, but when a “bad” kid does something surprisingly honest or well-meaning with no profit to himself that I can see, I take him at his word. This is spot on from my experience (albeit with teen boys, not outlaws ☺).

I think it’s also wise how you don’t spell out why Heyes is unhappy with her being dumped or possibly going to a regular orphanage. No need.

I really enjoyed this offshoot of your Valparaiso story from last month!

WR:
Is the accent on the last syllable, as it is with ArkanSAW? And how do you say “Kansasans?”

I continue to really enjoy your stories. You clearly pay close attention to your craft.

I liked your initial contrast of a harsh setting (phrases like “stunted willows,” “flood ravaged banks,” “sharp crevices” and “baring their white bones” with Heyes saying, “Nice area.” What?! And then the meadowlark with the associated memories. Well done.

And I think your sentence from last month’s challenge, “When a shadow stretched out beside him, he knew who it was and picked up his pace...” is really amazing. I mentioned it last month, but it has stuck with me. It’s not just that Heyes is aware of his partner; it’s the symbolism of the shadow, not even the actual presence, but the symbol/the reflection of the presence that matters. It’s the unsaid that’s the magic. I just think that’s very, very well done and frankly might be one of my favorite fanfic sentences.

Nm131:
The tenth tenth ☺

I like how you reveal that Heyes has been counting the money all during this conversation since he knows the exact amount toward the end. Well done through dialogue alone!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 15, 2017 7:18 am

Nebraska wildfire
A formula for everything
I like this description you created....They were known as hardscrabble fighters, with loyalty to each other that did not end.  
Very interesting idea about their education and how their days at the orphanage were. Think it is different from any other I have read, not saying that is wrong, I enjoyed your different take.

Cal
A formula for everything
Not that he would not make a good school teacher, it is just rather humorous to picture him as one.
I am quite positive I would have giggled at his fight with the chalk cloud

This mob would make good poker players… Sounds like you deal with children.

Really getting some good giggles out of this, thoroughly enjoying it
I didn't enjoy it. Sorry for the epic fail on your computers behalf, I've had that happen and it's so disheartening. When you do post it where do I find it?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 15, 2017 3:53 pm

April Challenge Comments - So sorry I'm so late in commenting on all your wonderful April Challenges!  

Maz - That's a dilemma alright, but I'm sure HH and KC can figure it out together.  Loved this line:  Brown eyes held blue ones. Blue ones did not blink.


Nebraska Wildfire - Interesting and well written story.  Rather a different take on Valparaiso from many other fanfics.  I like it.  Also enjoyed this set of lines:

...I still think you should start calling me Heyes.  Han just doesn’t sound like a good name for a bank robber.”

“You keep calling me a kid, and I’m gonna call you anything I like.


Cal - What a fun story, Cal!  I like Frankie, and I'm wondering what else this child might remember about those outlaws who robbed her Daddy's train.  I'm also wondering how HH came to be a "teacher" and where the Kid is.  I guess I need to check out the re-written version of this story, soon as you complete your re-writing of it!


cac - I'm not sure which lines I like better:  You see, Mr. Heyes and Mr. Curry, there’s a formula for everything: how to get a man, how to get what you want, and how to blow a safe. And I know almost all of the formulas.  or this:  Heyes said, “What, you think you’re the brains now?" Kid grinned. “Only on the days you don’t hire them out!” No matter which line, you did a great job with this challenge, cac! Oh, and a side note - Yup I did see that Tombstone Fidget Spinner! Loved it! In fact, I just told someone about it today.

WichitaRed -  Another interesting chapter in the tale.  My advice to Heyes would be to take his partner's word.  His partner is, after all, Kid Curry.  This line really got me chuckling:  “No, you're just my pain in the backside cousin with a large vocabulary.”

Penski - I'm with Kid -- Prairie dogs sure are cute.  And then I'm with Heyes -- they also posed a threat to horses and cattle. Loved Kid's forumula.  Great story, Penski!

InsideOutlaw - Excellent story!  I am a little concerned, though, that your browser history probably now shows that you've been researching "how to build a bomb." Loved the light-hearted tone of your challenge.  Two thumbs up!

Overflow:

Nebraska Wildfire - I very much enjoyed the additional parts to this story, Nebraska.


Calico -  How wonderful to see this story again!  Glad you re-shared it with us, Calico.  


nm131 -  Are you still looking for opinions in answer to your questions, even if I'm really late in commenting?  I will send you a p.m.

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PostSubject: Finders Keepers   Tue May 16, 2017 10:33 am

NB - Loved this tale.  It read so well and I could easily visualise it as it unfolded.  I liked the take you had on the Home for Way-wards last time and was glad to see a continuation of the theme.  I thought the structure worked particularly well... giving us a glimpse of a future moment in Mary's life, at top and tail. I also thought you portrayed quite a soul searching story without call to sentimentality, which I appreciated as the reader.  The character of Bigelow ...was well drawn and I like his wariness around the two drifters with the tied down guns.  Excellent challenge in my book.
Fav. line is a steal from the show I think ....but all the better for that ...Big dogs just come up to me all the time and lick my hand

WR - Others have said it better than me... but love your descriptions of the landscape and the authentic sound to your dialogue.... Its so obvious, you know the areas and the people... As someone who doesn't... and flies by the seat of my pants and hopes no one notices I leave most of the scenery to the imagination... I really appreciate the heads up. Oh... you've put them in peril again... But you do that so well too... even an old wimp like me can't complain....lol.

I like this line very much...Curry’s blue eyes turned sharp as a winter sky... gave me something to think about instead of worrying where this is headed...and I think others have pointed out... that wolverine smile line is excellent...

I await the continuation.... well done... this has cranked up the tension in Destiny's Cycle.

NM - sorry I seem to be stuck on initials today lol.  Dialogue only.... that's tough... but well done you for setting yourself a challenge. Took me no time at all, to be right there, hiding in the dark with them.  Well done on scene setting.  This was a great take on the theme... literally finding dosh... and plenty of it.  Think you've got the partners roles here about right.  Kid may have needed a little more thinking time before feeling quite so virtuous.... but Heyes... spot on... He'd be finding all the arguments why it wasn't illegal to keep it.
Fav line.... I don’t know, turning in $28, 600 dollars goes against my instincts.... That realisation that why they've been talking, he's counted it... excellent.
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PostSubject: Story site   Tue May 16, 2017 10:44 am

Oh and thank you WR and SG for the interest in the rest of Frankie's story and how Heyes got muddled up in the teaching profession...

You'll find The New Teacher thread here....

http://asjbuckshot.forumotion.com/f32-general-stories

I went on a bit about that computer fail, huh Mad ....lol Laughing .... As it turned out, I changed the format completely, just kept the gist of the original story plot.  I'm having great fun writing it writing  from different characters perspectives and really enjoying spending more time in Frankie's head excited .  Hope you get to read it  reading when it's done.  I'll post a new story thingy.  OR... you could see how I'm getting on  wheel and give me a helping hand with some feed back.... always greatly appreciated. Calx
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Sat May 20, 2017 10:32 am

May stories.

Nebraska Wildfire: I like your take on Valparaiso as a kinder, gentler place than is frequently written in FanFic. You definitely have a good observant eye, particularly describing the boys' actions and reactions. I'm thinking, in particular, when they first find Mary, with Curry getting down on Mary's level right away and Heyes, still cautious, pointing his gun and then holding it only, being protective of Curry and himself. Very well done.

Wichita Red: You know the landscape so well and convey it so that I can see it, too, in that first paragraph. And those grasses hid a snake named Harold. As always, I can hardly wait to see what happens next!

NM131: Nice use of the prompt, from finder's keepers to finder's fee! Regarding writing conversation only, I had no problem telling who was talking. I think that's 9/10ths of the issue in a dialogue-only story.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Sun May 21, 2017 4:06 pm

Nm131 finders keepers
Very cute conversation, yet I find myself agreeing with Hannibal Heyes finders keepers her. Guess I have a bit of an outlaw soul too.

CAC A formula for everything

Hmmm interesting beginning, her knowing who he is.
But, he was no circus act… Somehow sounds exactly like I thought that would cut through his mind.
A Bryant pump??? This just keeps getting more interesting and more interesting and I can see Heyes getting more irritated and more irritated.
I like the way Kidd thought of the plan to get them out of trouble. This was a good short story Easily have been worked into a much longer story. Really some great ideas you had going on here

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Sun May 21, 2017 4:17 pm

Penski. Formula for everything
Poor boys, it makes you wonder how much of their daily life is just as you wrote in the set up.
Unlike Mr. Franklin's job interview method, very clever on your behalf. I like the training session it was interesting and the formula for accuracy well described. I also like that you show Hannibal Heyes has skill with a gun it. That is often left out. Thank you for the fun and educational story

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 22, 2017 3:09 pm

Cal: I love the interplay between our boys. "What are you, ten?" . . . Curry helping Heyes look more authentically beat up, lost and helpless. . . Heyes trying to hide a grin, when Curry sees the found boots fall apart. . . Good stuff. Looking forward to the resolution of this cliff hangar!

Cac: Yes, how would that marriage work out, after the initial excitement of romance? Fun to imagine! I love your characterization of Caroline speaking in capital letters. She would do that, wouldn't she? I'm wondering if Heyes and Curry really will do some bank robberies just for fun. Wouldn't they find it difficult to resist holding back of that money for themselves? Just a little bit? Or would they reconsider, as the actual act of robbery came closer to fruition? And would Elizabeth be the one to track them down? Inquiring minds want to know!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 22, 2017 5:15 pm

Cal - I'm pretty sure I've read the first part of this story and loved it. I want to reread it but can't find it posted (It's probably right under my myopic eyes. I'm getting to the age where progressive lenses are becoming something I can't deny needing much longer). Can you provide a link or directions to the first part. Your byplay between the partners is top notch. LOL "what are you ten!?", "Apache boy", and Kid finally winning a coin toss only for what he won to disintegrate before his very eyes. The fastest way to rile Heyes and set a grudge is an affront to his considerable ego. Can't wait to see the developing HH plan in action! desert

cac - Good explanation for the scheme in from the previous month's story. Caroline Porter as Mrs. Tevors - God help Lom, she's a manipulator and histrionic but fun. Risky scheme of Heyes, he seems to me to have the addictive type personality one time taking the money (amnesty already gone ) and it wouldn't take too much for him to rationalize keeping some, then keeping all. Unless Kid gets an attack of the conscious he's rediscovering this will not end up good. I'm interested to see where you're taking this, it's a pretty original plot safe
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 22, 2017 6:42 pm

Finders Keepers

Cal:
 I think the boys taking advantage of the spoils from the corpse show how desperate they are in this situation, maybe how desperate their lives are at this point.  I loved the Kid getting that punch in there to get back at Heyes, in a way to stop him from his wild planning.  Heyes seems manic, but living that type of life, maybe the only way to survive and thrive is to go with the flow and think and plan on the run, as he does.

cac:  What a wonderful twist to the story.  So she's good and the boys are turning back bad ... sort of?  I loved the line: I dream people write stories about it....  A fun storyline.  Do we get more?
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 22, 2017 8:29 pm

I don't know. That bunny stopped hopping, but I do like the idea of it being Elizabeth tracking them down. She's fun! I hadn't intended on continuing it, so maybe we'll see what next month's challenge is and if the bunny perks back up :)
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 22, 2017 8:47 pm

Cal – That’s one determined and persistent bounty hunter! I guess I can see Heyes’ point of view of stopping and taking a stand. Enjoyed the Kid finally winning a coin toss only to lose at the end. Hmm… Heyes’ plan has a bit of desperation to it, but beggars can’t be choosers and they’re on the begging end right now. LOL… The Kid making Heyes’ look more authentic. Hope this plan works. (Of course, it must because they are still outlaws and we know they try for amnesty later. This bounty hunter may have been in the back of their minds when they decided to give up the outlaw life.) thumbsup

Cac – Oh, it’s Elizabeth again! (Settling down with a cold adult beverage to read.) A test? I can see Trevors doing that. I do like the thought of Lom getting married and Caroline batting her eyes at him when asking for help was flirting. Oh, Elizabeth may have tempted the boys too much. NO, DON’T DO IT!! I do see the possibility of them being tempted beyond and going back to outlawing. applause

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PostSubject: Finders Keepers   Tue May 23, 2017 4:29 am

cac - Continuation of “A Formula for Everything”....excellent... loved last months challenge... What's the dastardly Elizabeth up to now?

Oh fabulous.... what a twist... You had me there hook line and sinker... She's working with Lom to prove the boys deserve amnesty!

So awkward, it was like a badly written story! Laughing you're breaking the fourth wall there cac...very Monty Python....love it.

And... you use the Porter / Trevors marriage.... I loved that idea from RosieAnnie....I agree it is now written in stone for me... Love the way you put Elizabeth into the wedding senario... perfect. Elizabeth even thought the words in capital letters.... this is fab cac, love it.

Elizabeth Porter, lady detective. ....oh yes...I want to read all about her!

lol2 lol2  lol2  lol2 you go and turn the boys around on the quest for amnesty.... Oh this is too good. I'm running out of exclamation points!

Sometimes I even dream people write stories about it, and sometimes we get it, sometimes we don’t, but I’m tired of it. ....Oh I'm crying now... Laughing  this is the best....love it.

“Barns, Heyes.”....Brilliant...I'm wasted.... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep this going....in capitals! applause  applause  applause  applause  applause  applause  applause
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PostSubject: reply nm131   Tue May 23, 2017 4:43 am

nm131... thanks for the lovely feedback on Along Came a Spider#2.... You would have read the first part on another AS&J site here....

http://aliassmithandjones.canadian-forum.com

The story comes in three parts... so, one more to go... all plotted but unwritten as yet... Hoping it may fit a prompt somewhere next month???? Either way ....I'll get it done soon, and posted on my story thread at

http://asjbuckshot.forumotion.com/f32-general-stories

I don't think Heyes can hold in all that pent up frustration for much longer...

Thanks for asking for the link
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Sun May 28, 2017 9:31 pm

Cal! I never responded here, although I did in my head!

I love how "active" this story is. Heyes' plan is constantly developing, both in his mind and according to his interaction with Kid. His moods, also up and down, also reacting to his plan and Kid's actions. Heh :)

Love how he (correctly) assumes Kid will go along with his plan, but then love how Kid does with his own flair what with the coin, with not stopping with "contributing" his own blood, with calling out Heyes as not having the plan until Kid found the dead guy! And what a creepy scene to imagine there....

Love how Kid wins the toss but actually wins nothing! Neither one actually gets the upper hand over the other. Scores may have been counted, but I doubt they'll be paid in the fashion expected :)

A fun, clever tale, as expected!

(And when, oh when, will we read more about Frankie?!)
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Mon May 29, 2017 6:05 am






1) Nebraska Wildfire

Awww – we got the ‘big dogs lick me…’ line. Lovely.

A little hint there, huh – Mary’s Pa doesn’t like talking to Sheriffs (either). Oh, bless. He keeps peppermint for just such occasions.

So, the boys have been sending money back to Valparaiso?? Aww. [I always like ‘non-cruel’ Valparaiso scenarios.] And, of course our boys make it for Mary’s big day.

Very sweet, Nebraska.





2) WichitaRed


Is that bit about pronouncing OurKansas River, true? Interesting. And gentle applause for the scenery descriptions.

Oooo-errr. Our boys caught. And by someone fairly smart. Consider our breaths bated.





3) Nm131

A sack of filthy lucre huh? Fake? Old confederacy? Pre-euro greek drachmas?

Liking the tenth tenth of the law bothering Kid.

Dear Heyes … will he really settle for a tenth, or will he be negotiating up that percentage all the way to Wyoming.





4) Cal

It is our bandanny winner!! Bet it looks good with summer clothes, huh?

One boot each and hop??? Sorry, only joking.

Oh, Kid. As soon as Heyes said he needed to look more beat up… I guess the temptation was just too great. Snirt. Clever, Cal.

So, will it work? Tune in next month, Smile.




5) Cac


Ahah! So it is all a cunning plan. Rather like leaving a half crown on a top shelf to see if the maid is a) dusting thoroughly, b) honest.

Don’t blow it boys!!! (Not a pun on ‘no dynamite’). Dear old Heyes, even philanthropy comes with a finders’ fee.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Tue May 30, 2017 9:33 pm

I noticed that several of you asked about the pronunciation of the Arkansas River. Yes, that is how it is pronounced by those who live near the river,  even to this day, we call it the OurKanSAS  River.

I am glad that each if you enjoyed the description in the first paragraph, it is something that I have often seen when out riding  or any other type of traveling about my State.

And a few of you, Asked about sidearms were called jewelry. Yes, this is something I picked up through my history research.

Enjoy slipping bits of true history into my stories, sometimes they are not picked up on at all . But I still like including them, such as James R Mead, who told Kidd about following the river, is a true person.

And, thank you so much for all the kind feedback and positive enthusiasm it has made it much easier to continue on the story month by month

Now here is the truth of it, I have no idea what is happening in June… Have not even thought on it, until I see the challenge this is how I do every month
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Wed May 31, 2017 8:13 pm

sistergrace - Warning - could? No could about it, it definitely was a tear jerker. I liked (?) how you ended the flashback and left us with a sense of peace, we didn't need any more, especially with how you framed it. I'm also glad the finders left Kid in peace with his peacemaker. For a short piece, there was plenty of happiness, angst, and resignation. No
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Wed May 31, 2017 8:53 pm

Sister Grace – What a happy and sad tale you told!  Brandon and Megan make such a sweet couple – loving that Brandon and his surprise.  Oh, oh.  Only a few things I know that will stop construction.  Aww… which one is it?  The gun gave it away.  The flash back was…  (Beejay, we need a crying smilie)  Love the repeat of “So peaceful and qui...”  I really love Brandon and Megan at the end – very fitting!  Loved it!  two thumbs

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PostSubject: Finders Keepers   Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:29 am

Sistergrace - Thank you for the warning... I was braced.

Megan and Brandon seem like a lovely young couple starting out in life... I got caught up in the excitement of the new place.  When construction was mentioned I had to revisit my idyllic vision to add a building site ...lol.  Oh to be young and that ambitious.... Like Penski ...I kinda guessed what was holding up the building but the flashback was so gently paced and tender it wasn't too upsetting.  The thoughtful and peaceful ending with the return of the Colt to the grave was just right.

I didn't need my sofa... lovely writing as always.

Penski - A challenge of epic proportions (not a complaint) ...really enjoyed reading this over coffee this morning.  Lots of familiar banter and actions to get us settled into the action.  Kid's flight made me go back and check... this was Penski right...Not Ms Maz.... grief , poor Kid he's got two of you to do for him... I love that the horse fetches help... Lassie like.... and Gertie was a delight...I think you gave me a great picture of her life out there with her sensible father... excellent characterisation.

You kept the pace moving forward... you had us journeying with Heyes as he tracked Kid... We got to follow the posse... This had a filmic quality that I liked a lot.  Very entertaining read... a page turner...or should that be page scroller.....well done.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Thu Jun 01, 2017 10:45 am



6) Sister Grace
Tear jerker warning – do I need additional tea?

What a wonderful warm opening scene. Oh! A “Colt Peacemaker,” …Kidettes, brace yourselves.

I am loving the echo of Megan’s words. Awww. And the colt stays. That was so understated Grace, lovely.


7) Penski

It is our faithful as always VS mistress.

Good heavens, Kid is not doing too well this month, is he? Gentle snirt at thinking Kid must get hurt a lot to have alcohol in his bag. That’s my story too.

Now, Gertie, you absolutely cannot keep Kid as he has to get back to Maz’s cellar.

Poor Gertie – I heard him say ‘yes’. Did you hear him, Penski? Thought so. Very enjoyable read there.

8) Cornelia May


I sense a bit of a saga coming up here Cornelia. Methinks the little gal’s mother will not be found… Pom pom pom – what will Heyes do??


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Posts : 74
Join date : 2016-03-16

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Thu Jun 01, 2017 4:49 pm


Sistergrace:
And still with an alias, Mr. Doe….
Beautifully planned frame story, with the parallel phrases, sense of peace. I love stories that have that touch of the unknown to them. I also like the connection to modern day. Really nice, sistergrace!

Penski:
Yeah, best line: “Pa says that bottle in your bag is good for wounds. You must get hurt a lot to have one.” Ha!!

I too like the unusual take on Gertie and her father. A nice change from the normal female interaction!

Cornelia May:
Interesting history, always appreciated. Is the Death Robe/wolf pelt a real thing?
It must have been an amazing and challenging experience to interact with the Native Americans in that time, cultures so foreign to the whites.
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Cornelia May

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Posts : 66
Join date : 2013-01-10
Age : 21
Location : Gettysburg, PA

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments 8th October 16 to....   Thu Jun 01, 2017 5:17 pm

@cac:

Yes Death Robes were a real thing among Native American tribes at the time, just as death songs were. The actual hide used for it varied among tribes. Thank you for taking an interest in the little bit of historical fact I added to my challenge this month.

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