Alias Smith and Jones Writers

A forum devoted to writers of Alias Smith and Jones Fan Fiction
 
HomePortalGalleryFAQSearchRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3 ... , 10, 11, 12  Next
AuthorMessage
sistergrace

avatar

Posts : 517
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Apr 09, 2014 9:57 am

WichitaRed wrote:
There have also been some questions as to where Kid was? Well, you see the guys are all in town at this shindig blowing off steam and having a good time…well Kid, he was blowing off a bit more steam and having a bit more of a good time. “Know what I mean..nudge, nudge…know what I mean.”

Got it. Evening Vespers with Sister Grace!  sm 

_________________
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1235
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Apr 09, 2014 9:17 pm

Remuda - I enjoyed seeing the Kid making the decision to go to the Hole because they owe Lom. Kyle's right - things have changed up there and yet Heyes & Curry still can get the upper hand. Anxious to see where you go with this.

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1235
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Apr 18, 2014 4:52 pm

Thank you for making her write, Jed!

Maz - Love the great words of advice from Marty preparing Jed for what might happen if he's fast on the draw. Love, too, how Jed's already thinking about winging or being so fast that folks won't dare try to draw against him. Wonderful short tale!

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Ghislaine Emrys
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 666
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 33
Location : Arizona

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Apr 18, 2014 8:55 pm


Maz: Well, whatever your previous idea was, this one sure worked out well! Good use of the prompt and always great to see a Ranch Days story. Really enjoyed this--how you wrote Kid's comments was great and Marty sure gave Kid a whole lot to think about.

_________________
This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

http://commentaryasaj.blogspot.com/
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Back to top Go down
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1235
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun Apr 20, 2014 7:17 pm

RosieAnnie - Very different story from you with all dialog. Reminded me of a Remuda's Saddle Talks.

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1235
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Apr 30, 2014 5:49 pm

Storm - Brr... you made me chilly reading your story and it's over 90 outside.   very cold  Good descriptive writing!  Some good bantering, too.  Loved these lines...
Dimples appeared on his partner's face.  "I'm not too fond of the cold either, but I'd rather be cold than in the Wyoming State Penitentiary for twenty years."

"Well," a smirk spread across the blond's face, "since ya put it that way, it feels mighty balmy up here."


Inside Outlaw - Oh, I love outlaw stories!   bandit   That youngster Heyes is awful smart knowing what Big Jim Santana wants and knowing he has to make peace with Wheat and get his help.  Favorite line...
“You do the talkin’, Heyes.  I reckon you can talk the birds outta the trees with that silver tongue of yours.”

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Calico

avatar

Posts : 555
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 52
Location : Birmingham

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu May 01, 2014 6:32 am

What is this? Wire dodgers monthly. There was the challenge page, the old tumbleweed blowing across its abandoned surface – and this morning – Whumph. An influx.
Right, time to fetch the tea and take a little unofficial me time at work.
(OOOOH – and there’s some event leftover cheesecake too!)

1) Maz
Ah Ranch Days, don’t we all love ‘em so young and adorkable?
And I love dear Marty. Now Maz, this series better not end you know. I don’t want whatever makes them move on ever to arrive.

2) RosieAnnie
I agree with Silky – using the word ‘foolproof’ is a bit like using the word ‘unsinkable’ – it just tempts out the gremlins.
Clever missing scene Rosie – because of course we know where the gap in the plan was.

3) Stormr
Is there any more pleasant sight as an opening shot than our two boys relaxing on a porch?
Now – have they seen Wade Sawyer and his quintuplets?
OR are you a-teasing of us, and it’s a passel of familiar ladies after the boys.
Liking Kid feeling balmy after the mention of the territorial prison.
Awww, nice twosome scenes Storm.

4) InsideOutlaw
Lovely – a view of what started off the Wheat / Heyes proddiness.
Oh, bless you Heyes! That was clever Inside… Both chaps showing a good heart – but not TOO unselfish to still be our larcenous Heyes.

5) Penski
Hello VS Mistress, cutting it a bit fine this month!!
Oh, I’m loving this… Is this HHs past – ahem – miscalculations all a-flashing past his eyes?
Heyes is captured by a depressingly competent sheriff, huh? BUT, he’s just described something as foolproof so we know he’s jinxed.
Oh, Heyes – what a tinker you are cocking that smile at the Sheriff and tipping your (loaded) hat!
[So THAT’S why HH is so touchy about his hat!]
And what a bonus! Your very own cowboy showing us the set!

6) Remuda
Do you lie in wait Remuda, ‘by hook or by crook – I will be the last under the wire. Muhaha!’
I am liking the West Wild – or not. And the backwaters short of water.
You’re giving us an authentic Ol’West narrative voice here, huh? Very evocative.
Bon is going to strike oil? Oooooh.
Poor boys – they can’t stick around for the bank to open. And since they’re straight now they can’t open it.
Very different Remuda. What a good read!
Back to top Go down
RosieAnnie

avatar

Posts : 699
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 98
Location : The Comfy Chair

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu May 01, 2014 7:19 am

Maz: I love the Ranch Days series as much as anyone, and that's an awful lot. A young Jed, thinking, hey, this fast draw business isn't so serious, until Marty reminds him that it is serious - possibly, deadly serious. And yeah, Jed, if you wear that thing, you've got to be ready to draw and shoot to kill at any moment. A short scene, with big impact on our young hero.

StormR: A day in the life. Kid complains, and Heyes puts it all in perspective for him. It could be worse, Kid! "Great, wet and cold for the day. Sounds like a plan." Sure is, Kid, if you want to stay out of the pen!

Inside Outlaw: Very good illustration of Heyes' native intelligence. He sees the flaws in Wheat's work, and answers questions Big Jim hasn't thought to ask. He buys Wheat's cooperation with money and respect. He's not intimidated by either man. How did such a young man become the leader of the Devil's Hole Gang? Through the actions of days like this one.

Penski: A short history of a jinx word! Thank goodness our boys learned that lesson, huh? Never use that word in connection with the amnesty! I wonder if they learned the other lesson of the jinx word, that being that the word signifies overconfidence. That's the way to unforeseen disaster!

Remuda: You win the under-the-wire award again. It's funny; I did my contribution this month, modeling it on one of your saddle talks. Now you did the exact opposite of a saddle talk and went for a straight narrative, devoid of dialogue. I love the last paragraph especially. It wraps everything up neatly.

_________________
"If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

"The failure in doing something is stopping too soon."
Back to top Go down
sistergrace

avatar

Posts : 517
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu May 01, 2014 12:58 pm

April "Fool"proof comments from Grace.  jocolor 

Maz - Cruel reality stares young Jed in the face.  Poignant ending!  Loved it.  applause 

RosieAnnie - This significant conversation would have fit perfectly into The Day They Hanged Kid Curry, and some of the lines you gave the Kid speak well to the boys' character (or maybe to their lack of character?), like these:  

“We’re saving Fred’s life because, unless we do, you’re wanted for murder, and any chance we have for amnesty is gone. We’re not doing this out of brotherly love; we’re doing this to save our skins.”


and

“No, I feel worse, because now I know for sure this plan ain’t foolproof, but we’re still gonna do it because we’re desperate and out of options.” two thumbs 


stormr - I really enjoyed this story. The way you wrote it makes it easy to visualize each exchange between HH and KC, whether they speak verbally, or with their expressions.  One of my favorite lines:

"Well," a smirk spread across the blond's face, "since ya put it that way, it feels mighty balmy up here."
 lol2 


InsideOutlaw - Heyes is awfully smart, giving up one percent in order to gain the support of a key gang member.  Great story. thumbsup 


Penski - Experience has taught HH and KC NEVER to say never...or foolproof.  Thanks for reminding us of lessons learned!  Of course Hannibal Houdini can escape from a locked box.   jail   Nice work, Penski!  

Remuda -  Well written.  Very different from your Saddle Talks which I always enjoy.  I'm glad the fellas got paid this time.  gold coins

_________________
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Back to top Go down
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1235
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri May 02, 2014 10:40 am

Remuda - What a different style of writing with no dialog Is it easier or harder to write like that - I'm undecided. I liked Bon and was cheering when there was oil and his nephew paid the bet. And our boys got paid, too. Good job!  applause 

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
InsideOutlaw

avatar

Posts : 803
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 62
Location : Colorado

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat May 03, 2014 8:16 am

Maz: Marty is a truly good friend to Jed; teaching him the consequences of his actions and making him think hard about what he's taking on. Excellent scene!

RosieAnnie: Will Heyes never learn not to jinx himself? I enjoyed seeing their thought processes as they planned the jailbreak. It was a real demonstration of the balance in their partnership. The Kid has no problem questioning his partner and forcing him to justify his plan.

StormR: This could be a start to a longer story. The bantering and dialogue between the two partners was excellent and I could easily visualize the action. Nicely done.


Penski: I liked how you built up to your present story by showing us the pilot and escape scene. That poor sheriff had no idea he was jinxing himself by saying foolproof and I could just picture the delight on Heyes' face when he did.

Remuda: Not a word of dialogue from the Queen of Bantering and yet the story still pulled me right in. You managed to impart a western flavor to the narrative and tell an interesting tale without any dialogue at all. Not easy to do.

_________________
*****************

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
Back to top Go down
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 491
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat May 03, 2014 2:48 pm

MAZ: foolproof, a ranch days vignette
Wow, great piece of life, shows so much depth to what created the Kid Curry we all know. He is a thinker, maybe not like Heyes, but a thinker still and I can see a conversation like this happening in his life. Because, he has obviously thought over and dealt with all the questions Marty asked. Easy, smooth read and quite enjoyable.

CALICO: Foolproof, A missing conversation from “The Day They Hanged Kid Curry.”
Gotta say, I am looking forward to reading this one as I just watched the episode over spring break.  :0)
I have to say, I do agree with Silky about calling anything foolproof or guaranteed – it is jinx, through and through. I like the way you showcase Kid’s anxiety over the whole plan. Ah the practicality of Kid Curry, “We’re saving Fred’s life because, unless we do, you’re wanted for murder, and any chance we have for amnesty is gone. We’re not doing this out of brotherly love; we’re doing this to save our skins.”  Straight out shooting down all of Heyes’ flim-flaming, good think Heyes can take all the negativity and keep pumping along.
Great peek into their friendship and how much they trust and believe in one another, well done, bravo.

Stormr: FoolProof
Good dialogue, you are right in character for both of them. Great dropping of one-liners through out, well done and I do mean a lot of great one liners, loved this one: "You know you're gonna burn a hole in my back you keep staring at me like that."

Inside Outlaw: FoolProof
Love the whole opening from Heyes trying to avoid walking in on the fight to figuring out if taking the lieutenant job is a good idea.
Absolutely love the way Heyes gets Wheat to set back and take another look at him, makes him realize he is his pal and not his enemy, very well written, and very much enjoyed.

Penski: Foolproof, April 2014
Ah Ha…right before the Pilot Episode…we all know this plan wasn’t foolproof in the least. :0) Even though it is the script you have placed in here…I couldn’t help but read it. Just makes a person smile to do so. Too fun, the way you took us through the foolproof scripts and then back into your own story…love Kid’s Line “Well, I think we jinxed ourselves.” But the even better one is “Did he just say foolproof, Heyes?” Curry asked as he smiled. – because I love the way they both have decided the jinxing goes with anyone who says it, not just them.

Remuda: Foolproof, Bon
How did you come up with the idea for your unique style of writing on this one? I enjoyed the story immensely, so many parts to copy it would fill this page up. It flowed beautifully, was enchanting to read and made you grin at the lyrical turn of phrases. Very cool and very well done…. Whoo Hooo and a YAhoooooo too!

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
Maz

avatar

Posts : 406
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : London, England

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat May 03, 2014 2:52 pm

A zillion apologies ladies for not having read all the challenges or VS stories yet.
When I finally get to the computer it's usually just to check all the posts and emails. Once exam season is over I hope to catch up. There is just enough room in my brain at the moment to squeeze Kid in. bottle 

_________________
Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
Back to top Go down
Ghislaine Emrys
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 666
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 33
Location : Arizona

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat May 03, 2014 4:50 pm

RosieAnnie: Well done, realistic conversation between the boys.  It was very easy to keep track of who was talking.  I'd forgotten about the foolproof scene with Silky and you made great use of the prompt.  I really enjoyed this, especially Heyes' comments about the power of love: For some reason, I thought his remarks were quite funny, given the source.

Stormr: Another realistic slice of life.  I was initially wanting to know who was chasing the boys but then realized it didn't matter.  I really liked the conversation where Heyes is teasing Kid about the advantages of the WY State Penitentiary.  And I really liked this phrase: "…the cold autumn air was smacking the partners in the face…"

InsideOutlaw: Very cool story!  I was a little confused at the start when Wheat appeared because I thought he was entering the cabin, like Heyes, but when I reread it, all was clear to me.  Great idea to have Heyes turn Wheat's anger at being ousted to his (HH's) advantage.  Too bad it didn't last!

Penski: Fun story!  At first, I thought you were just going to rehash scenes from the show but you managed to tie different episodes together really well.  Very enjoyable, especially the escape.  And I like the photo just as much as the story!

Remuda: I really, really liked this!  A very different style from most of your challenge stories and it works very well here.  Love the name of the old man, the link to oil--Kid's comment about the other type of gold was precious.  Wondered if there was some historical basis to the story or if you just kind of amalgamated the general history of the discovery of oil.  Also, I appreciated your continuing use of repetition throughout the story of variations on "dry, dusty."

_________________
This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

http://commentaryasaj.blogspot.com/
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Back to top Go down
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Remuda

avatar

Posts : 114
Join date : 2013-10-27
Age : 42

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun May 04, 2014 8:09 pm

Maz
This is one of the more powerful vignettes of the Ranch Days series. Certainly, quite an epiphany for Jed. It obviously had an effect on him since Kid Curry took his fast draw so seriously. Huge impact in few words. Well done!


RosieAnnie
Nice missing scene. Kid was right to feel skeptical about the plan's being foolproof, and this conversation fits right in. Although Heyes has total respect for his partner's feelings, only time being of the essence saw the plan go forward, and we all know what happened. Most interesting thing to me was how Heyes relied so much on Penny's love for Fred to see it through. Lots of great lines here, my fave being, "We’re not doing this out of brotherly love; we’re doing this to save our skins." So true. Nicely done!


Storm
Nice day in the life on the run from a posse. This is very visual, with really nice scene setting and descriptive writing. We're right there with the boys in the mountains, feeling the chill and wishing for warmth. The banter about the amenities at the penitentiary was special and added levity to the tension. Many great lines and images, my favorite of which were, "You know you're gonna burn a hole in my back you keep staring at me like that." and "The dust cloud behind them stayed in step." Clapping!


Inside Outlaw
I think this is the first story I've read about Heyes' taking over for Wheat as Jim's right hand. Nicely written and imagined, this plays out like it really happened. Love the compromise Heyes offered Wheat and his realization his youth might get in the way of his effectively doing the job. Really like how you described Wheat; I'd not thought of him that way. Good job!


Penski
Nice introduction of old scenes to illustrate the new ones. Yes, the boys have tossed "foolproof" around a lot, haven't they? I'm glad they realized just how dicey a word it is, and how it should be left out of the conversation about amnesty. Now there's a (non)foolproof plan, huh? Also nice revisiting of Cripple Creek. Well done!

_________________
Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything. ~ Wyatt Earp
Back to top Go down
stormr

avatar

Posts : 100
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : USA

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon May 05, 2014 11:35 am

Maz -  ooohh Ranch Days.  It was very nice of Marty to make Kid realize the reality of his actions.  

RosieAnnie - a perfect missing scene - it could just be slipped into the episode and be completely believable.

InsideOut - ah, showing us how smart Heyes is in moving up the ladder - don't tick off the guy your replacing unless you want to be looking over your shoulder all the time.  

Penski - so much fun.  I like the looking back at all the times the boys jinxed themselves using foolproof.  Great addition to make it come out in their favor for once.

Remuda -  Wow!  What a great story and with no dialogue at all but it sucked me in from the beginning and it was a great touch to have the boys get paid.
Back to top Go down
Remuda

avatar

Posts : 114
Join date : 2013-10-27
Age : 42

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon May 05, 2014 9:38 pm

Wichita Red
Ah, Heyes, foolproof, huh? There's that jinx again, but he seems to honestly think each new plan will be just so, even if everyone is complaining. Had to smile when Kyle joined the chorus so as not to be left out. He didn't get to blow up anything -- what a hoot! Better late than never. I look forward to reading the rest of the story.

_________________
Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything. ~ Wyatt Earp
Back to top Go down
InsideOutlaw

avatar

Posts : 803
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 62
Location : Colorado

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat May 10, 2014 1:48 pm

LOL, the first character I thought of when I read this month's topic, Nemesis, was Elizabeth Darkly! Now, I'm hoping we all get a chance to read the boys' story.

_________________
*****************

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." —Dave Barry
Back to top Go down
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 491
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Tue May 13, 2014 7:26 pm

Very cute MAZ it sounds like someone tired of working once the favorite of loss. I know how you feel some days and the bay bongs explain it was wonderful I love the banter, the smiles, the overall feel of your skit

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
Maz

avatar

Posts : 406
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : London, England

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu May 15, 2014 1:37 pm

ooh Witchta, Kid getting the upper hand on Heyes...always knew he had it in him :)

_________________
Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
Back to top Go down
Maz

avatar

Posts : 406
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : London, England

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu May 15, 2014 1:40 pm

Little Bluestem I can see why Maggie is drawn to that particular cowboy  Very Happy 

_________________
Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
Back to top Go down
BeeJay
Admin
avatar

Posts : 580
Join date : 2012-04-21
Location : California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat May 17, 2014 6:46 am

WichitaRed wrote:
Little Bluestem: Nemesis

Ah, that Maggie has good taste…mmmmm… “They were the two best-looking men she’d ever laid eyes on, each in his own way. And such fine figures, too. Broad shoulders, flat bellies, long legs… “

Wonderful descriptive image of Heyes at play and later you nailed the description of Kid right don’t the wink. BRAVO!
Ah Lil’ Bluestem, you did it --gave me the quick, giggle, laugh…love when I find one of these in a story…” But Dimples stayed in his seat with a half-smile on his face while the other one, the younger-looking one, slowly rose to his feet in answer, taking that all-too-familiar wide-legged stance, right hand dangling near the butt of his gun.”  Ooooh what great writing!

Absolutely, adore the way you get their silent conversations into the story, you are top notch at this. All in all very descriptive, you set the scene up visually and perfectly and excellent use of the word pole-axed. Thanks for sharing.

_________________
I read part of it all the way through. Samuel Goldwyn
Back to top Go down
http://asjbuckshot.forumotion.com/
WichitaRed
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 491
Join date : 2012-12-07
Location : Wichita

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat May 17, 2014 6:47 am

Little Bluestem: Nemesis

Ah, that Maggie has good taste…mmmmm… “They were the two best-looking men she’d ever laid eyes on, each in his own way. And such fine figures, too. Broad shoulders, flat bellies, long legs… “

Wonderful descriptive image of Heyes at play and later you nailed the description of Kid right don’t the wink. BRAVO!
Ah Lil’ Bluestem, you did it --gave me the quick, giggle, laugh…love when I find one of these in a story…” But Dimples stayed in his seat with a half-smile on his face while the other one, the younger-looking one, slowly rose to his feet in answer, taking that all-too-familiar wide-legged stance, right hand dangling near the butt of his gun.”  Ooooh what great writing!

Absolutely, adore the way you get their silent conversations into the story, you are top notch at this. All in all very descriptive, you set the scene up visually and perfectly and excellent use of the word pole-axed. Thanks for sharing.

_________________
Wichita Red, "I'm not really a rebel, but I take chances. I have a good time, and I live life the way I want to live it."  
Back to top Go down
http://www.redrockphotography.com
Penski
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 1235
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 56
Location : Northern California

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon May 26, 2014 10:19 am

Now that I have some more free time with VS last episode for 2014 posted...

Maz - Oh, would I love to read a story the boys wrote for you!  What nemesis would it be if any?  Would they write themselves shot or hurt like you do to them?  I do love the thought of Maz mumbling about the nemesis Brady and Elizabeth Darkly!

Wichita Red - Loved the boys hearing about themselves in a saloon and having to give their perspective of what happend.  Seems Hannibal Heyes isn't the only one with a silver-tongue that can spin a story.  The Kid did an excellent job spinning a tale with a lot of accurate information.  Favorite lines were:
“Why? Because, my plan was foolproof?”
One dark eyebrow arched.
“It was . . . we got free drinks, and nobody got disarmed, or was forced on the roof, or mistaken for Kyle.”

Little Bluestem - Maggie sure is conscious of her surroundings and the men in them.  Heyes and Curry may have been alarmed if they knew how well she had them pegged.  You set a very typical evening in a saloon for the boys and let us watch through Maggie's eyes.  I like that she was bi-partner - either would do.  Loved how she nicknamed Heyes "Dimples".  Very good challenge.

Ghislaine -You wrote a challenge?!?  Been awhile since you wrote and I know how busy you are.  You had me stumped about who you were talking about for most of the story.  I started suspecting when the ropes and being dragged happened and was certain with the falling.  Clever, Ghislaine... very clever!

_________________
h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
Back to top Go down
Ghislaine Emrys
Moderator
avatar

Posts : 666
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 33
Location : Arizona

PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon May 26, 2014 10:38 am


Maz: Very cute and a clever use of the prompt. Does it mean you actually are writing sequels to those stories you mentioned? That would be great! Funniest line was saying Maz does a lot of sighing, too, but my favorite part was when Heyes looked stunned at Kid's wrong idea that Heyes' plan was to rob a bank to help you out.

Wichita Red: I will comment after I read Better Than Farmington.

Little Bluestem: Excellent description of Heyes the poker player. I really enjoyed Maggie's voice in this story; it was distinctive and fun to see things from her perspective. Great use of the prompt.

_________________
This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

http://commentaryasaj.blogspot.com/
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Back to top Go down
http://asjmoviewesternsetc.blogspot.com/
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   

Back to top Go down
 
Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 11 of 12Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3 ... , 10, 11, 12  Next
 Similar topics
-
» Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014
» STW Open Day/Weekend 2013
» The next tier list september 2013
» Awestruck Comments... from 13th June 14 to... 1st Nov 15
» Gimmick Puppet

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Alias Smith and Jones Writers  :: The Writing Spot :: The Story Challenge :: Awestruck Comments-
Jump to: