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 Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014

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WichitaRed
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PostSubject: Inside Outlaw- 49er   Mon Feb 24, 2014 8:06 pm

Inside Outlaw - 49er
I think you do an amazing job catching personality..love your version of Wheat by the way.  
Miasma: What a great, great word for describing Kyle. Ah, poor Kyle.
Terrific line: The boat was snared like a trapped rabbit.
A line such as this would only truly sound correct coming from Hannibal Heyes, No sir, we just want credit where credit is due.  Giving you credit, IO, this was a excellent tale.

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PostSubject: 49er Sister Grace   Mon Feb 24, 2014 8:14 pm

Sister Grace

Cool…I am reading your tale on the date you had listed. Albeit a number of years later but still the same date. And, I must say…it seemed like Kid might step off in some deep water there. Good thing he has Heyes around to help him out sometimes. Cute tale…thanks for posting. It gave me a grin.

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PostSubject: Giving Up FrankieASJ   Mon Feb 24, 2014 8:22 pm

FrankieASJ - Giving UP

Yipee for doing one on time, I often feel that way myself. So another bit YIPEEE to you.
Like your description here: The dark intensity of Heyes’ eyes told the Kid he was thinking hard – real hard.
Good action writing: For once Heyes couldn’t find the words to answer his friend. Instead he swiped his black hat from his head and slapped it on the floor. “Damn!”
But, I do want to quote Heyes here “Damn!” They have been caught, “Damn!” Good story. Believable and well written. Thanks for sharing.

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PostSubject: BeeJay Giving Up   Mon Feb 24, 2014 8:30 pm

BeeJay: Giving UP
Heyes cleared his throat. Rapidly, he mumbled, “I'm Hannibal Heyes and he's Kid Curry, and we want to turn ourselves in.”  Okay, I read this and I have to feel as pole-axed as the over worked Sheriff. I think you got the wham-blam-blow you were looking for. But you had me giggling as I read this. Too great and the word play exchange was ace high. Thanks for sharing.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Tue Feb 25, 2014 3:59 pm

WichitaRed - I enjoyed many of the lines between the guys, especially these:

“Now don’t look at me like that. This plan is foolpr--.”

“If you say that word, I’m gonna say no just out of principle.”

Heyes swallowed once, his smile increasing, “Why Thaddeus you sound like you don’t trust my ideas.”


InsideOutlaw - What a fascinating story! You packed a boat-load of information into one very interesting tale.

Really enjoyed these lines:
...and it was his job to see that the boys didn’t mutiny before they boarded the boat.
and
“What? You got horses that can walk on water?” snorted Wheat.

Wonderful!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Feb 26, 2014 1:16 pm

Aww Sistergrace it was Heyes' birthday!! Of course it was. And Kid forgot...ooops. Very Happy 

I enjoyed that.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu Feb 27, 2014 2:33 pm

WichitaRed - oh such a tease!!  Poor Heyes with a skeptical Kid.  Good to talk to him while he is eating though, probably will be the best mood he'll be in all day!

InsideOutlaw - now that is a way to become famous - do something no one else has ever done!  Gotta love a Hannibal Heyes plan - especially when it works.

SisterGrace -  Shocked Kid forgot Heyes' birthday - how dare he!!!  Love bringing in all the birthdays.  Believe Kid was very smart with his comment on Kid4ever - though his is correct.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Feb 28, 2014 9:41 am

Calico 49er

Had to giggle on Dicksonistic the opening sounded. Loved it.
Oh my and he thinks the girl is watching him for his charming singing voice.
“Why?” Jed eyes his friend’s sweat free state. “It ain’t as if I’m puttin’ you off your stroke.”
Awesome line…followed by …
“Han, this ain’t math class. Pick the sack closest to ya, heft it down.”
At some point, if Kid had actually made Heyes work..wonder how the dynamics might have been different.
OH I LOVE IT…this is their introduction to Clem…too funny.
Perfect finish---OW…“It’s Heyes,” says – Heyes.
Fun through and through, good morning giggle.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Feb 28, 2014 10:13 am

1) Stormr
So it’s not only whiskey where they run out of the good stuff. Smile. Dear, dear Kyle. Is he actually our REAL favourite outlaw? Come on Heyes, cheer up! With THIS dynamite you get the element of surprise! Fun story, Storm.

2) Maz
Loving the duologue. ‘Specially hearing we don’t talk about the Sundance Kid.
What a clever idea to use the 49th parallel!! You are heavy with brains, young woman. Clapping hard here.

3) Penski
Cold, wind, snow… it all sounds so familiar. Well, not the snow.
Poor old Heyes. You do draw us in so well, Penski. Oooooh? Was Walt ONE of the survivors of the Donner Party? (I guess I am expecting him to be a forty niner – but you could be leading us astray?)
Ah ha! He is a forty niner. I guess the clue is in the title.
He’s a miner, forty niner – had a daughter, Clementine.
SO … does Heyes later write the song lyrics under another alias??
Clever use of prompt there, Penski.


4) WichitaRed
(Unlike the canon line, something GOOD from Wichita, huh?)
Very episode-ey partner duologue going there – and what can be better than episode-ey.
WHAT?? You left us with a hook – and what a good hook - and a link. Cheeky gal! (Went for a peep – Oranges! California Gold is oranges! Ah ha!


5) InsideOutlaw
Is ‘a splashy robbery’ on a steamboat – are you playing word games with us, Inside?? Loving the line about leaving the bellyaching to Wheat. Gosh, there is some research behind this tale, Inside. I feel humbled. An actual Forty Nine steamboat mention. You gals are so dang clever.
Well! Don’t think I’ve read a boat robbery fanfic before. Very well told. And a classic safe crack scene for a young, brash Heyes. Hearty applause for this, Inside.

6) Sistergrace
Ah, one of our bandanny winners! Hello Grace!
Hey, the boys remembered my birthday! (Well, I do give them cake.) Another clever one!! So HH was born in 49 in your timeline?? And Kid forgot. Awwww. Lovely Banter, Sister G.

7) Calico
Well, you bone idle cat. You had a story idea, looked up the date of the song, found it was written far too late – and used it anyhow, huh?
Anyone would thing the ASJ canon had no respect for a consistent historical… Oh. Yeah. Okay. Take a pilchard as a reward for actually doing a dang challenge for once.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Feb 28, 2014 12:45 pm

Not like the cat to sneak in under the wire but then you did give us a sweet story about how the boys met the citrus fruit.

Loved it. Very Happy 
Can I let his trousers down?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Feb 28, 2014 6:37 pm

Calico - You found a few minutes to write - YEA!!!  We've missed you!  Finally a story about THE Clementine.  Very cute - loved Jed's singing and Heyes getting out of manual labor and Clementine being upset about folks making fun of her name.  Loved this line - His companion meaningfully massages his ear.  “Leave howling for coyotes, huh?”  And the ending... Wonderful challenge!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Feb 28, 2014 7:31 pm

Calico - Ah, a story about the citrus one!! Nice. Loved the song and the terrible singing by Jed and Heyes discomfort with it.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat Mar 01, 2014 12:47 am

8) Remuda,
Ah, Remuda, still dodging those wires, agile as Br’er Rabbit, huh? prairiedog A boom town, huh? Methinks Heyes may have his thoughts turning to mining those miners.
Jim Bowie? Is he really? Gosh. Didn’t he die at the…
Ah! I see HH and myself are of one mind. Snirt.
Loving the variation on the Smith and Jones gag, Remuda.
Oh, bless – loving the exit too!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat Mar 01, 2014 4:48 am

Remuda - Ah see you got those fingers moving and got it in under the wire. Hmm...maybe Lom wasn't so smart telling them to use Smith and Jones. Then again maybe Jim was just a crazy old man or was he??? You can't believe everything you hear...
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat Mar 01, 2014 8:31 am

Sheesh Remuda you sure did cut it fine.

As fine as a cut from Jim Bowie's knife I reckon.

So if that was really him then where's Ol' Davy?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun Mar 02, 2014 5:50 pm

WichitaRed: Aha! A snippet and a link, very clever. Fun dialog, especially :“Now don’t look at me like that. This plan is foolpr--.”

“If you say that word, I’m gonna say no just out of principal.”

and "I’m still trying to get a handle on this whole honest living.” Now, the boys don't really want to work for a living, do they?

InsideOutlaw: Another informative tale. I must say the idea of a steamboat robbery must be unique for an ASJ story. Lots of interesting moments, and a little bit scary with the steamboat crashing into the trees. An unusual story, well done.

Oh Grace:Poor Heyes. Sniff. A forgotten birthday. Curry brought him to limit on this one with his teasing, which makes for a nice interlude between the more serious aspects of their situation. Very funny.

Calico: Purr. I am so glad to see you back with a challenge, and such a funny one. The perfect introduction to Clementine. Loved her steaming on over to Jed, not at all pleased with his singing. And, when Heyes willingly offered up Curry's full name; so eager to be helpful, eh? Lots of laughs in this.

Remuda You keep squeaking in before the door closes. But, it sure doesn't look as if you are writing these at the last minute. Jim Bowie complete with knife; I think you have a wonderful ability to write stories with some slightly off-kilter people. He got the beer! Great final line: "The beer costs too much, and it don't go down real good."

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon Mar 03, 2014 9:12 pm

Storm
Kyle and dynamite -- what's not to like?  His earnestness is sweet with a dogged sense of stick-to -itiveness, while the boys' growing frustration is eye-rollingly funny.  And good for Kyle to try to recycle the wet stuff -- good or bad.  Loved this!

Maz
The Forty-Ninth Parallel -- interesting take on the prompt!  Given the mention of Longabaugh's ranch work, I presume the boys have been waiting over a decade for amnesty so a new start in Canada makes total sense.  Fun banter with a more serious slant.  This could be the start of a new series, Ranch Days Canuck style.  Well done!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Tue Mar 04, 2014 6:33 pm

Penski
Clever use of the two songs! I imagine this was how it would have been if it was only Clarence and the boys up in the mountains that winter. Liking all the historical details and how you meshed Walt's history with the lyrics. Good job!


Wichita Red
A different kind of gold? Hmm, intriguing introduction to a longer story. Fun banter, especially cute how Kid informed Heyes that was the best time of day to spill the details.


InsideOutlaw
Interesting tale of the DHG's quest for notoriety, and original in the steamboat robbery angle. Love all the details regarding steamboat history and navigation, as well as the link at the end. Well written, and love this line regarding Kyle, "The little outlaw emitted a distinctive miasma of body odor, tobacco, and cordite." Well done!


Sister Grace
A birthday tale -- so Heyes was born in '49? Guess we have him all over the map! :) Nice way to remember our February birthday gals as well. I bet Kid's birthday isn't far off, either. Cute story!


Calico
So that's how the boys met Clem. Of course they didn't mean to make fun of her name. And of course Jed wouldn't like his full name bandied about. And of course Hann, er, Heyes, I'm sure wouldn't care for his name to be ... mentioned. LOL ending! Fun story!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:37 pm

Remuda - what a crazy busy bar with equally loco customers. Loved how prices jumped with a boom - make the money while you can philosophy. Cute Smith, Jones, and Johnson lines. Loved the exiting of the saloon.

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PostSubject: 49er Challenger: Remuda   Thu Mar 06, 2014 9:12 am

Remuda By any other name, 49er challenge

This was a wonderful tale. Very visual, I could see everything Heyes was doing and even Kid’s bewildered look. I like the use of authentic western terminology when it came to the mining. BRAVO!




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PostSubject: Remuda: January Challenge, Giving Up   Thu Mar 06, 2014 9:44 am

REMUDA--- Happenstance
Man, reading this I am getting cold sitting here. And, I have seen far too many of those days you are describing recently. So, I feel sorry for the boy way down deep in my soul for being out in those winds.

Oh what have the boys come to when HH plan is to sleep it off in the drunk tank and be happy about it. I believe I will agree with Kid here. -- ". . .You're cold, Heyes, real cold."

But like a ray of sunshine he comes through in the end, exactly the reason Kid puts up with him. Very enjoyable tale. Thanks for sharing. You always write scenes so they are easy to view and you did it again here. Thanks.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu Mar 06, 2014 6:02 pm

WichitaRed: Excellent teaser!  When I find the time, I'll go and read the rest of the story--I certainly am curious about the plan!  The back and forth between the boys sounded just like them.  Many good lines here; perhaps my favorite is: “If you say that word, I’m gonna say no just out of principle.”

InsideOutlaw: Fascinating story, IO!  I could tell from the detail that there was more than just a dollop of history in it.  Smart captain, asking the outlaws if they want to be caught, when they tell him their names.  Is this the start of a new series?  I saw it listed on FF.net but didn't read it as it didn't say "completed."  I wouldn't mind another series by you but where on earth do you find all this time to write?!?

Sistergrace: Cute scene.  Fun how you brought real people into the story.  I'm surprised Kid forgot his partner's birthday, though.  Or maybe he was just kidding around and will surprise him later with a nice gift--hope so!  Enjoyed the part where Heyes says "aiming at" and Kid automatically segues into talking about shooting.

Calico: Simultaneously cute and funny, as only Calico can be.  Finally, someone incorporated the episode character into the story!  Very clever to make it their introduction to the estimable Miss Hale.  Best line: When the boys say they like her name and she retorts: “If you’re a citrus fruit, maybe,” she pouts.

Remuda: Interesting hypothesis in this story!  Enjoyed the description of the saloon--I could almost hear the noise and see the crowd.  Clever of the old man--whoever he was--to divine that Heyes was hiding from the law.  I wonder--did you have it in mind that the old timer was in fact Jim Bowie or that he was he just a little crazy?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu Mar 06, 2014 6:50 pm

Ghislaine Emrys wrote:

Remuda: Interesting hypothesis in this story! ... I wonder--did you have it in mind that the old timer was in fact Jim Bowie or that he was he just a little crazy?

Thanks to everyone for the lovely comments.  

Ghis, the old man in the story was based on Brushy Bill Roberts, who might or might not have been Billy the Kid.  I'll otherwise leave the question of just who the old man was to the readers' imaginations.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu Mar 06, 2014 7:19 pm

Sorry for being so late getting in my comments on last months stories, but like many of us I have been battling quite the chest cold so I haven't been too terribly prolific in the writing and reading departments. Starting to feel somewhat human today though.

STORMR; Good ole' Kyle; he's the only one who usually knows what's going on inside his own head. It's a good thing Heyes and Kid both have the patience with him to finely get down to the basics. Time for more supplies indeed!

MAZMCCOY; Once Heyes gets a bug in his ear there's no shutting him up. Going to try their luck up in Canada eh? From what I hear of the winters in Wyoming, Canada could seem like a resort--depending on how far west they go. Tell the boys they are always welcome this side of the 49th.

PENSKI; Thank goodness they came across ole' Walt. Nobody wants to end up like the Donner party. This chance meeting sure brought up a lot of memories for our boys didn't it. Clarence and Seth, so some good and some bad.

WICHITA RED; My my, but Kid's appetite sure does get around. Good ole' Heyes always seems to have a great idea about something. Oranges uh? Well nothing ventured....

INSIDEOUTLAW; Love this story. And as usual your knowledge of the area and the history always adds realism to your tales. Also appreciate the connection to the river boats in BC. Heyes sure knows how to make an entrance; he may be young but he is unforgettable!

SISTERGRACE; What a lovely way to honour Peter's birthday. I also give Heyes and Curry the same birthdays as their alter-ego's. How frustrating for Heyes though, that Kid was determined not to remember!

CALICO; Cute little story about how those three life-long friends actually met. It took me a minute to realize that the young lady's name was Clementine, then longer again to clue in that she was 'the' Clementine. Heyes sure was quick to cover up his given name and with good reason. No wonder Clem always calls him 'Heyes'.

REMUDA; The visual description you gave us of a busy bar really drops us right into it. I could hear the laughing and loud talking and the beer glasses clanking together.

Old Jim was pretty gutsy right from the start, asking to share Heyes' beer. I could see Heyes being put off right away.

He sure got Heyes off balance with questioning their alias' right off the get go. I think I would have been running for the hills too after that encounter. Just a shame that after all that effort they still didn't get their beers!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Fri Mar 07, 2014 5:20 am

Calico - Love the humor in this piece, and the interaction between all three characters. I particularly enjoyed the line about the "citrus fruit." The story's closing lines were fun too.

Remuda - I enjoyed the accents. For a moment, I was questioning your version of history, since according to everything I've read, Jim Bowie didn't live long enough to remember 1849...or did he? I guess, as Jim B reminded Smith, I shouldn't believe everything I read in the history books!

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