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 Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014

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Maz

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Tue Dec 17, 2013 3:00 pm

I think I might have a crush on Grandpa Jones.  sm 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Tue Dec 17, 2013 5:18 pm

 thankyou  for your comments. I don't know if Heyes will show up or not. Mr. Jones has not shared that information with me yet. Next chapter will have some revelations about Mr. Jones, some things that even Christine will be surprised to hear.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Dec 18, 2013 6:22 pm

Maz-el-tov: Fiddler On The Hoof?  I love it!  They're keeping up their end of the bargain, but I doubt anyone would believe they were mensches. lol2 

Rosie-Annie: What a warm, happy family you've give the Kid!  I really enjoyed the scene where Katie told her grandfather all about the confrontation between her mother and grandmother.  I could almost see her nodding earnestly to emphasize her story.  Poor Kid, he's chafing at being under observation and longing for Montana.  I'll be interest to see where this goes.  Was the Kid's musing about thieves foreshadowing what's to come?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun Dec 22, 2013 8:22 am

Little BlueStem, of course no self-respecting six-year-old boy would want to wear girls' clothing! And to be called "adorable", instead of manly? Sounds like he's practicing his gunfighter's stare when he tries to give his mother "steely disdain." Of course, his mother is not impressed. Little angel, indeed! It sounds like you understand children very well. And Han, so proud to be a wise man, "of course!" I think I detect a little bit of the adult's self-confidence there. You've done a very good job of making our boys, well, little boys, while still showing us hints of their characters and the men they will become.  applause 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun Dec 22, 2013 12:27 pm

Little Bluestem: that was a great story. I don't always enjoy one's with Jed and Han as little boys, but with one was priceless and so believable. Poor Jed, what a terrible situation to find himself in and then of course, Han is a wise man. Talk about adding salt to the wound. Nice little glimpse into the characteristic that would later become their stamp.  two thumbs 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:30 pm

Little Bluestem - What a precious memory of the traditional Christmas pageant!  Indeed, little Jeddy must have made an adorable angel, although behind that cherubic face beat the heart of one not quite so innocent.  I guess "the kid" is going to need to work on his steely glare a bit before being worthy of the title, "the Kid!"  And what role could have suited young Han better than that of the "Wise Man!" applause 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon Dec 23, 2013 6:24 am

Little Bluestem: Jeddy? That might be reason enough for him to grow up to be Kid Curry. You captured a eight-year old's point of view beautifully and a mother's firm insistence equally as well. I had a good laugh, too, when Heyes appeared as the 'wise man'. Cute, seasonal tale.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Tue Dec 24, 2013 10:19 am

Little Bluestem - I loved how little Jeddy was making a stand, but knew when he was beat to fold.  And of course the ladies cooed at his adorable looks.  Cute how Han, the wiseman, was sauntering and preening.  Lots of adult traits of our two favorite former outlaws are showing at a young age.  Very cute!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat Dec 28, 2013 6:00 am

Keays: What a fun Christmas tale! Loved all the great names, very clever. You had a few lines in here that made me snort my morning coffee: the one about Calhoun expectoratin' on women and the one about heating up the outside (I'm going to have to remember that one for later use). Great story! applause applause 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sat Dec 28, 2013 6:36 pm

Keays: I love me a jailbreak story, especially when it's got a twist to it. The Sheriff's doing them a favor, arresting them to keep them safe from the reprisals of sore losers. Of course, with those suspicious names of Smith and Jones, he figures they must be up to something. It took me a couple minutes to catch onto the names of the other people in the story, because sometimes I am a little slow. Very clever with the names. Lots of small moments and good lines: the snowball that hits the stove, with steam vapor spread upwards and water drops dripped to the floor; the boys going through the stack of posters, when their own posters are up on the bulletin board (they were slower than me!); and the woman who's a vixen in disguise. Great stuff!

Inside Outlaw: Your familiarity with the geography and the history really add an element of depth and reality to the stories. I'd kind of like to see if I could follow that path, using your directions; but certainly not at Christmastime! You gave the boys a strong motivation to persevere through dangerous weather. Also, some powerful lines: "just a reminder of how far they'd fallen." And Gladys is a hoot.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun Dec 29, 2013 8:32 pm

Keays - What a fun story and written so visually!  I could picture every scene in my head with amazing detail.  Loved how Heyes and the Kid decided they have some time while the sheriff rounds up the boys causing trouble to either escape (nice how they nixed that idea) or get their wanted posters.  With the weather outside being frightful, sounds like they made the right decision to stay and get a great dinner.  Have to admit that the names of the folks being Santa's reindeers' names was a distraction to me.  Otherwise, a wonderful challenge.
 
Inside Outlaw - I love all the little realistic detail, like the saloon being a tent building, and the few nods to real history.  Ouch - poor Heyes having a horse fall on him!  This was a great description of the town - "Great, thought the Kid, the whole town’s closed up tighter than a ladies’ corset."  Loved the marshal - nice to see a smart & considerate one once in awhile.  Gladys Tydings was a fun and interesting character, though I don't quite understand the reasoning for her sending Jones on a false errand to be along with Smith.  Loved the ending with the marshal warning them, too.  Sad, but realistic, to hear Harry Rivers was killed.  Clapping... great story!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon Dec 30, 2013 6:33 am

LOL, Penski. That's my own personal issues seeping into the story. I just hate being hovered over.

Guess I better tweak that just a little. Thanks!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon Dec 30, 2013 7:20 am

Remuda: Very nice Christmas story and I loved the dialogue! I could just hear old Oakie's voice as he talked circles around the boys. Sweet ending, too.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Mon Dec 30, 2013 10:06 pm

What a nice treat to come back to the board after a few days and find so many challenge stories to read.

Little Bluestem:

I'd be lying if I wrote that childhood stories were my favorites. But, this was nicely done and the phrasing was pitch perfect. Poor little Jed, getting suckered into playing an angel. Heyes, of course gets to portray a Wise Man. I think these lines sum up Jed's predicament: "He knew he himself looked like a straight-up sissy, garbed as he was in the lacy white ladies’ nightie, the golden tinsel halo, and the goose-feather wings." Too bad for Jed, that he really does look like an angel with blue eyes and curls.

Keays:

A fun story, and some good, clever writing. Of course, the boys were better off in the jail than outside in freezing weather. Some very funny moments. Switching the posters was very humorous, but, I had to suspend belief to think a sheriff wouldn't notice the difference! Considering the names you used throughout the tale, I assumed suspension of belief was a big part of the whole, and of the effect you desired to produce. Pranny was such an odd name, though, and did not sound very western or American to me; I did look it up. You may want to tweak that one. It's mildest slang definition is a mild school yard epithet (a mix of prat and ninny), however, its Scottish meaning is that of a part of the anatomy exclusive to females.

InsideOutlaw:

Wow! This one felt so real; your use of real people, names and the town paid off big time here! My favorite line has already been mentioned by Penski; the description of the town being closed up as tight as a lady's corset. That got a genuine laugh-out-loud. I thought this sentence stood out as well: "She held out a wizened, arthritic claw." Gladys was such a pleasant, warm character, but that sentence conveyed the idea that she got on in spite of infirmity; that she is one of those elderly people who will never let on they are in any discomfort.
I totally understood why she sent the Kid away; I hate having someone, who is nervous about the patient, peering over my shoulder during treatment.

Remuda:

This is a wonderful Christmas story. I was relieved that it had a happier ending than the Bret Hart's Luck of Roaring Camp ( you had me worried at first). Oakie is well delineated by the dialog you give him. I enjoyed how he ran on at the mouth while the boys tried to have him sign for delivery. The language in the letter sounds true to the 19th Century.
I thought the entire paragraph that begins with this was excellent: "Nope, we's all become better men 'cause of a babe.  Who'd'a thought? " with everything becoming so politically correct and secularized nowadays, I really appreciated that this wasn't secular. Lovely.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:37 am


1. Maz
When Kid says his moustache is not bad … he does KNOW it looks like he’s started a caterpillar sanctuary.
Oh Vey. Pass me the chicken soup – some stories need to come with sustenance for the polling paws. You’re a delightful fruitcake Maz, which is why we lurve you.

2. RosieAnnie
So – is this OUR Thaddeus Curry – or are we getting a flashback at Grandpa Curry? Jamesons has been around since 1780 so no clues there. Oh, we’re in America so it’s our Kid Curry. Ok.
Awww – what a smashing Grandpa Curry Mark Two our dear Kid has become. Consider us full of festive ice skating and goose hunting warm fuzzies. (Unless of course you’re a goose!)

3. LittleBluestem
Are you a newbie to the challenge, Bluestem? Welcome indeed!!
A Nativity play story – well we all know I’m going to like that don’t we! Well, poor little Jed – being subjected to abuse by lace. Bless. And do all our middle-aged hearts want to ‘awww’ along with his persecutors? Of Course Han looks regal! (“Call me, ‘Midey King’!”) Short but delightful, Bluestem. I melt.

4. Keays
Loving the traditional dialogue over the usual poverty of our boys. You may not know Keays but this has echoes of a Porridge episode where prisoners discuss the Christmas dinner in their cells.
“We get turkey, don’t we?”
“Well, they call it turkey – but last years was a very strange bird. 48 legs and no breast.”
Poor boys – locked up for being transients. But the sheriff has a point – much warmer inside.
This is all delightfully traditional – echoing episode conversations, Keays.
Hang on – everyone is named after a reindeer.
Just reached Dan Sier. Groan!
Heyes – remove your posters! I’m sure that’s what you’re planning, but…
Pran Sier… I bury my head in my hands.
Clever and adorable, Keays. Clapping hard.

5. InsideOutlaw
Gosh, I’m cold just reading it, Inside.
Purr, I like it when the marshalls and sheriffs are good guys. (And, another story with our boys being better off warm inside a cell!)
Glad Tydings. Groan! We have a cracker full of festive puns this month, huh?
Warm fuzzies abounded, Inside.

6. Remuda
Adoring this, Remuda. You know I stories captured in the dialogue.
That was genuinely touching. Sniff. (And the 'better because of a babe' ... just enough and not too much of an echo. Not overdone.)

7. Penski
Wire dodging with a glass in your hand, huh?
When the horses whickered at them – you got an outloud ‘Awwww’ from me. Sniffing again.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Jan 01, 2014 5:51 am

Penski: I sure don't see why you feel the need to apologize for this, because it was terrific. It was wistful without being maudlin or saccharine. The flashbacks worked. you show them as grown men who understand and appreciate each other. It's a really good representation of their friendship. Clapping loud and hard!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Jan 01, 2014 7:51 am

Penski: Wow, wire-dodging on New Years? You certainly have your priorities straight. This was very sweetly done and an excellent tale for the season. I'm totally convinced the animals can talk, they just use words we are not capable of understanding.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Wed Jan 01, 2014 10:05 am

Penski

Just under that wire, huh? This was a very sweet Christmas story. I've never heard of that tradition, but talking animals is right up my alley. My favorite part, however, is the Kid picking the lock: “I picked the lock.” Curry grinned at the puzzled look on his partner’s face. “Heck, I watched you do it enough – it ain’t that hard. Especially when you’re learnin’ from the best.” Great lines from the Kid, with just enough flattery to please his partner. In fact, the dialog overall was nicely done, from the poker game at the beginning: “I’m gonna get the silent treatment for a month or two for not being home earlier.”

“With your wife, that might be a blessing!”

to the ending.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu Jan 02, 2014 7:51 am

Keays - Fun story for the Holiday.  I especially enjoyed the dialog between HH and KC. reindeer 

InsideOutlaw -  Awww...  I like Gladys, and Harry Rivers too.  You have an ability to write Heyes and Curry so that they really seem like outlaws, yet with a soft spot.  Very enjoyable story!     

Remuda - What a precious story of a newborn Christmas babe!  Heyes' and Curry's frustration with Oakie's poor memory was conveyed very well, and with a nice touch of humor.  I especially enjoyed this line:
"Now, did I tell you two'n 'bout that babe we found on Christmas Day so many year'n ago ..." 
  elfxmas 

Penski - Loved this piece of Christmas magic.  Heyes' memories of childhood added a sweet sentimental feel.  The Kid's comments after picking the lock on the livery door were very cute and humorous.
 wolf 

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PostSubject: Traditions    Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:23 pm

Traditions

Maz
Not sure weather I fell worse for Kid Curry or Heyes when they are getting ready...but since Kid is obviously grumpy I will lean toward Heyes because a grumpy Kid is hard to deal with. Too funny can't imagine either of them in prayer shawls and singing. Gave me a giggle snort you did. Did a good job with the characters personalities 

Rosie Annie
Sweet tale. Sorry to hear the ticker is acting up but I liked all the good conversation skills you put to use in this tale.

Little Bluestem
I love that he is already practicing his gunfighter glare. Albeit on his Mother and Aunt but it is already in grained in him...who can't grin at the image of the steely glare in his childlike features. Many smiles placed in this one...poor boy ganged up on by the woman. Good use of humor and realism. 

Keays
So like Kid Curry to be worrying about his belly...even while lying on a jail cot. 
Smith and Jones? I might'a been born at night, but not last night.”......really goo line. Never heard it put quite this way before. What a great tale. Loved the deciding it was better to get rid of the posters then to go out side -- oh yes a I caught you reindeer reference. Very tongue in cheek of you.

Inside Outlaw
Such a classic if it could go wrong it does beginning for the guys. Too bad Heyes wasn't riding Fannie that would have never happened to him. You describe the weather so good I had to reach over and turn on my space heater...my room was feeling colder then our own snowy day was making it. Loved the line about tighter than a ladies corset. Gladys is a grand character. I know you created her specifically for this tale. But I could do with more of her...loved the way she talked to the guys.

Remuda
If it wasn't for the feisty gent they were dealing with, I could see Kid Curry laughing outright at this.  .........Heyes sidestepped a saliva bomb aimed at his boot -- unsuccessfully.  He looked downward in disgust.  His partner raised a brow, barely stifling a grin..........  Good tale and obviously the guys needed the patience of Job to withstand their time with Oakie. Lucky for them they weren't being paid to deliver him to San Francisco.

.Penski
Never heard that legend and probably a good thing or I to would have wound up in a barn a time or two. Loved the flash backs and Heyes inner monologue it all rolled smoothly together. And at the end being left with....did you hear that...how great.

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PostSubject: Verdict   Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:56 pm

Verdict

Maz
My goodness what a sad tale. With the cold weather my old horse trainer body is feeling every break and tear from the past years o I could really sympathize with Wheat and Kyle. But somehow the reminder of old age getting us all,even my nit so good heroes, was rather sad. Dialogue and characterization were both quite grand.

Penski
Enjoyed Kid Curry indignation over the idea of using a gun for a hammer. I thought of the idea a moment before I read it and then grinned knowing Kid Curry would be scowling at me too.  Like the bit of CSI that Kid planned to bad the bullet was gone. But Heyes plan worked just as well. Nice day in the life of DHG tale.

Remuda
Like this line, it is ver Wheat but it caught my attention........You never know when a lawman’ll get too full of that badge on his chest........   Wow another gem........ The blond man’s tone was one of innocence, like a wide-eyed child trying to convince a parent.........   Boy your full of great lines this round"........ just as sure as Sunday comes after Saturday.......   Such a typical Kyele and Wheat discussion no wonder Heyes and Kid Curry shake their heads at them so often.  (wink wink). I knew it was going to be about a gorse and not a gal.Why? Because that is so Kyle and you had his personality down too good for it to be nothing other than a horse.

Inside Outlaw
Boy howdy you had me confused in the beginning..Heyes in court and Kid Curry not. Loved the little twist when I realized he was an officer of the judicial system. I could see them being an investigative lawyer team. Well written as always 

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PostSubject: Your Mother was a Crook   Thu Jan 02, 2014 2:48 pm

Your Mother was a Crook

RosieAnnie
Very nice prologue story. Kid did a great job of not telling too much…of course he already spilled more than Heyes wanted him too. But, I did like that it was Heyes who almost spilled by being overly informative on the ride out. Your story flowed beautifully. Didn’t get caught up on any language or grammar. Well Done.

Penski
WOW…great story. Such a different view then normally seen of the parents. I love his Mom came from such humble beginnings and his Dad knew he loved her from the start. Had in mind what he wanted from then on…kind of shows were Kid gets his strong forward minded opinion. I need to go back and re-watch this episode to see how much you altered this…but I tell you even re-reading it…sounds like it came right off an ASJ script page.
“Well like my dear old mom used to say, ‘Finders keepers, losers weepers’,” the Kid said as he put an arm around his partner.
“Your mother was a crook.” Heyes replied, his eyes hardly leaving the glittering of the precious stones.
“Oh, Heyes, I never thought I’d see the day you’d go against everything we believed in.” Curry removed his arm and stared at his friend.

BeeJay
Interesting tale…wow she showed him how to be a crook right up front and then tried to justify it. Interesting family Jed comes from too. Sound like they are a loud bunch. Grammar and Dialogue were perfect because I never stumbled once while reading…overall put together beautifully.

Claybank
“He knew that his partner was hollering advice and encouragement—probably to the horse!—from the sidelines, because he knew his partner well, but he didn’t hear the words.”
How can you not laugh with a starting line such as this.
Having done a ride like this many a time when I was a horse trainer…I just cringe as I read it and feel fully for Kid….I think it is Kid anyway. Fun tale…like that you took the catch phrase and used it completely different from all others. Boy I’ve been on a broomtail dink more than a few times and you described it all very, very well.

Inside Outlaw
I love when you drop the line..I can see Heyes grinning and rolling a cigar between his teeth as he finally says, “You know, I would take exception to that, except you’re right; she was a crook…and a helluva poker player.” Great bar scene over all, from the ambiance to the incidentals you had it all down pat. And, Kid saying I think you got off a bit easy …regarding Heyes defending his Aunt as we all know Kid’s Mom…I think Kid had a thought or two rolling through his head about his Cousin too. If anyone hasn’t read End of an Era story, they should go check it out…some really good writing.

Remuda
I’m reading this race to the party and just grinning and grinning because I love the whole debate/conversation you have going on between the boys. LOL wants to find out more gossip….awesome. This is his reason for racing to the party. And, it was the one and only reason he was going to the party. Awesome!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu Jan 02, 2014 8:23 pm

Remuda - Loved and pitied your Oakie character - I had a picture of Walter Brennan, minus teeth, playing him in my head.  The dialect was wonderful and did not hinder the flow of reading by wondering what you meant.  

I can see Heyes and Curry fighting to be patient with the elderly man as they deliver the message.  Very in character that the Kid gets a little emotionally involved (Kid smiled.  "Oakie, sounds like he wants to take care of you like you did for him.") while Heyes stays more business-like (Heyes handed him the pencil.  "Yep, a gift, just in time for Christmas.  Now, Oakie, if you'll just sign right here, we'll wire him that we found you and he can get started on his trip here.").  

Wonderful tale! applause

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Thu Jan 02, 2014 9:33 pm

MAZ: Of course it's a play! And Heyes always seems to be able to do everything better than anyone else--even grow whiskers. Although I seem to recall they both had a good set in 'Smiler With A Gun'! Can certainly understand why Kid is nervous about doing it but Heyes is right in there and making it all fun. Black hat, brown hat. Oh well.

ROSIEANNIE:Jed teaching his grand daughter how to shoot? Of course! Sad though that he had to give up his own home in Montana as we know how much they both loved the west. At least though, he has family and better yet, family who want him around. Sounds like everybody is at odds with the other grandparent though. Some people are just not forward thinking!

LITTLE BLUESTEM: This was great! Poor Jed having to wear a 'dress'! Then all the ladies thinking he was so cute and such a dear! Curls wasted on a boy huh? That's a matter of opinion. Of course Heyes is a wise man!

INSIDEOUTLAW : Well as usual, your knowledge of the names and histories of the people and places ut the rest of us to shame. Poor Heyes; a horse falling on him! Not nice at all and then freezing cold to boot. Loved your playon names as well: Gladys Tydings indeed! And she's seen more? Poor Heyes! Let's not forget it was really cold!

REMUDA : This was very true to life. Like many of us, I have an elderly parent who is suffering from dementia and this really runs true to form. The conversations going in circles and forgetting what was said almost as soon as the words were spoken. Real patience and understanding shown by the boys. A really 'feel-good' Christmas story with a truly happy ending.

PENSKI :Kid gone missing and he's not with a lady nor in the jailhouse either. Hmmm. So Heyes finds him in the stables huh? Of course--where else would he be? Some childhood fantasies never get old and go away. Loved the Kid's comment that picking a lock wasn't that hard. He'd learned from the best after all. Like how Heyes, true to form, became more cynical about the myth as he got older. Then as adults they both looked back at the wonder of childhood even though they had long out-grown of innocence of it.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 16th Sept 2013 - Closed 13th June 2014   Sun Jan 05, 2014 2:53 pm

Catching up on December...

RosieAnnie: I want to read the first chapter of your story first so won't comment about this month's submission right now.

LittleBluestem: Welcome to the Story Challenge! Excellent debut story--very enjoyable and lots of fun lines. You nailed Jed. Loved how his mother treated him. Looking forward to reading more from you.

Keays: A lovely story! Very well constructed with great characterizations. Wherever did you come up with the name Cupid?! Loved how the boys rethought their escape plan. The scene about replacing their wanted posters with different ones was very funny.

InsideOutlaw: Really liked this. The description as Heyes and Curry plodded through the snow was very evocative. Harry and Gladys were great characters, though I've never them call a lawman by his first name, other than Lom. I liked how the marshal was nice enough to not just let them go but get them extra money, even though he had good reason to be suspicious of them.

Remuda: Okay, I confess: I don't think I've ever read Bret Harte. What story is this based on? Cute how the old man was forgetful like that but also sad. Very nice that he wasn't forgotten by his "son" -- looks like he was raised right for sure! Fun names for the characters. But poor Heyes and Curry; I can see them getting a tad impatient. this story makes me wonder how people with dementia were treated during this time period, as that was my first take on the old man.

Penski: Oh, I felt for sure Kid was gonna be in the church--nice surprise about that! Interesting theory about the animals; I'd never heard that before. And I'd expect that Kid would be able to pick locks, just like Heyes can shoot a gun--they both have all the skills but are better at some things than others. That's why they make such good partners!


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