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  Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013

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WichitaRed
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Fri Aug 23, 2013 6:18 pm

Bedight by Indian outlaw

Wow what a short powerful piece of work . I feel so for this poor woman who had to bedight herself in a persona she would have never adopted. Good use of a very odd word.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Fri Aug 23, 2013 6:26 pm

Bedight by RosieAnnie

Charming little tale -- of course Big Mac is only voicing out loud what we think of them suits. Especially Curry's would have been nice if he had benighted them in something better... Maybe closer to what Maverick wore. Well minus the ruffles. But I really wanted to express how much I enjoyed the tongue in cheek humor of your story. Thanks!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 24, 2013 8:27 am

Bounty by Rosie Annie

The moment they said Harry Brisco I need this was going to be a fat tail and I was not disappointed

---Joshua, are you crazy?”Kid asked. “You’re not really thinking of doing this, are you?”---- my exact thoughts too Kid. But wait this has The smell of Hannibal Heyes plan.

Ah and there is the plan will said Heyes I like all three of his points. Seems though like I had more faith in Heyes then the kid did.

It was a good story and a great plan. Your modern phrases did not bother me because this is ASJ story and they used modern inaccurate phrases clothing and other items in the show. Which gives us a little bit of leeway when we are writing ourselves as we are emulating the show. Thank you for the story I still have the picture of kid downing the wine and when he put the glass down seeing Heyes looking down on him and I'm positive Heyes was wearing the gloating dimpled smile that we all love great image.






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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 24, 2013 1:07 pm

ChristinaASJ - This captured the kind of childhood memory which stays with you all your life. Just a moment, frozen in time, which didn't show the kind of men the reporter wanted to write about. Never mind the fact it was them; I'm sure they could also be the outlaws he was building his story around. This captures the dichotomy of the boys so well.

InsideOutlaw - I loved the way the prompt was used in this, to show the tangible link between the feelings and memories of loss and the way people can cope with the big things but will be pushed over the edge by the little things when bereaved. The ending was sweet and upbeat too.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 24, 2013 2:31 pm

- Democratic Process. Maz McCoy

Loved the voting system-- too funny! Oh to be able to win the vote for choosing Heyes... What a lucky lucky lass.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:31 pm

Subject: Re: July 15 -- Rapacious

Inside outlaw

Too funny! I would take this for a reason why they have dead or alive after their names as any other. Fun use of the word.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:35 pm

Oleaginous By inside outlaw

Fun! Such a true Kid Curry moment. Is she his really? Or is it all an inside joke?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:40 pm

Oleaginous By RosieAnnie

“Mr. Jones, deny it all you like, but you are a philosopher. And a wise one at that. I will take your advice.”

Poor Kid this is a statement his cousin will use against him for a good long while.

Nice follow up piece, well said and good use of your vocabulary lessons.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:52 pm

Skedaddle by inside outlaw
You are so good at writing these openings.
“Kyle!” roared a voice through the paper thin walls from downstairs.

“Sorry, Darling, that’s my boss. I better skedaddle or he’ll have my hide,” said Kyle, jumping off the bed and fumbling for his pants on the floor.

Just this part makes me go is it Kid or a Heyes? Is Kyle right back or do the leave town? And why is the boss angry?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:30 am

- Imbroglio By Rosie Annie
This was an enjoyable little short I found their reaction to check your guns very funny. I can even see kid questioning what this man could possibly be talking about even as Heyes went through the actions of actually doing it. The solution though was perfect. Well-written thank you for the short.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:41 pm

Wichita Red - Fun beginning with the Kid wanting to stay for a play that didn't interest Heyes. I've never heard of 'pan' before used like this - “I swear, you don’t shut your pan or leave..." My first thought with the fog is that they're back in San Francisco, but I was wrong. Fog can be very eerie-feeling! I like how Doreen first smirked at Heyes' question about it being an honest place and then trying to seduce him into a drink and more. Oh, oh... she's telling the bartender he's alone - that's not a good sign. Do the pair of men near the barbr's chair mean anything? I'm not sure. The floor disappeared? Didn't any of the customers notice this? Off to read "the rest of the story".

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Fri Aug 30, 2013 3:50 am

WichitaRed - I too was confused by where the story ended so I scampered over to Fanfic.net to read the rest. So poor Heyes was Shanghaied, huh? You really showed he knows how to look after himself in this one, and sailed close to the wind in teaming up with Patrick. Bet he wished he'd stayed at that awful play with the Kid, eh?
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Fri Aug 30, 2013 10:09 am

Calico - Aww... Sarah and Alex were resurrected! I love a little Hannibal, who's too smart for his own britches and the great name for the knot - Alex was as clever as his son. Dear Sarah watching her two boys. How wonderful that the client postponed so you had time to write - thank you, client!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Fri Aug 30, 2013 4:09 pm

I have read the stories out of order but will comment on them all fear not.

Calico..aww the adorable Alex returns to woo us once again with his fatherly care. We have an orfling too. Sniff sniff.

Penski..you killed off Silky but he remembered the boys. A death..sniff sniff.

Lovely stories.

Any happy ones out there?

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 31, 2013 8:01 am

Maz has a happy one out there!

Maz - What a cute story of two mules... I mean the mule, Forget Me Not. I love the mule wearing a cowboy hat and could picture it roaming around the countryside. Great bantering between the boys, as usual!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 31, 2013 8:55 am

End of the month = time to catch up with my comments.

Wichita Red: I left comments for the entire story at the other site, so I'll just comment on this bit. Very amusing intro; gives a cute reason for them splitting up, even if only for the evening. And Curry wouldn't have noticed Heyes was missing until much later. Heyes' encounter on the street and the foggy air give us foreshadowing for the events that will come, as does your description of Doreen and the saloon. You set the mood beautifully.

Calico: OK, I am a sucker for Alex and Sarah, and cute little Hannibal. You tied together Sarah watching two mirror images, and Heyes, looking for - what? - in the mirror. The last scene added a poignant note to a pleasant childhood memory.

Penski: Good old Silky, cantankerous to the end, true to himself, and true to his friends! I enjoyed the info about Walter Brennan, too. He had a rich and varied life, as did Silky.

Maz: Hannibal Heyes is a little too self-confident, isn't he? He should have read that note Abner put in the pot. Too many good lines to quote here, but my favorites are "not sure you should touch a lady's behind without asking" and the whole scene while kid is shaving, and Heyes is standing there talking about his bruise - I think it's his bruise, right? And a little mystery at the end - I, too, was wondering how she got out of a locked stall.[/right]

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:01 am

draw Calico - You paint such a warm picture of a relationship of equals between Heyes' parents which intensifies the pain of losing that influence in his life. The scene with the neckties was just lovely. You play with us, juxtaposing the scene against the memories playing in his head when he was remembering them in the orphanage. Sad 

Penski- Poor Silky! What a poignant scene in his last conversation with the boys. The canny old rogue found a way to focus the boys on his future though. Ingenious!

Maz - Too many good lines to mention in this one and a great last line in the battle of the mules. Forget-Me-Not would try the patience of a saint, but she gave us some wonderful moments.

Oh, and Waddya mean are there no happy ones!?Suspect  Mine was happy - unless you didn't want the Kid to survive...? draw 
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 31, 2013 10:25 am


1) Keays
I do do a cracking job coming up with prompts that can fit saga segments, huh?
(Obviously it’s a bit hard to comment because it’s an extract and I don’t know any of the back story.)

2) Tashmina
Nearly ten years, huh? At least that gives us all plenty of time to fill up with stories! Glad to see Kid’s hand is still swift enough to catch a fly even now he’s pushing forty. Ain’t no one that quick! Oh, I’m loving the dry secretary telling them they’re definitely not wanted. Snirt.
Good heavens. It’s a ‘shot after amnesty story’. Didn’t see that coming. And Lom shot the gunman down. Double good heavens.
Oh Tashmina, you tricky, tricky fox! You fooled me. Oh, I like this. It’s not a slush bucket it’s a dang wily plot. Dear old conning Soapy was the Doc? Awwww. Very, very clever. Paws clapping hard here.

3) ChristinaASJ
Huzzah, glad to see you posting.
And huzzah again for Brown Palace name check. Ah, the nostalgia.
So, when she was a little gal she was one of the passengers in the robbery we see in the pilot? Awwww, it’s sappy but I love Kid taking her to find her doll. Feline chirrup of happiness.
“Forget? Me? Not likely!” This put a real grin on my face, you clever clogs!
Loving the cynical journalist not believing in our good hearted bad men too.

4) InsideOutlaw
Forget-me-nots on their parents’ graves after the two tiny orflings finish burying them – oh, Inside, it’s as if you think a bunch of sentimental middle aged women are going to fall for…
Oh, yup. They will. Smile.
“Han started walking again, away; away from who he used to be.” Dang good line, that.
Poor old Kid hurt’n’comforting away and finally remembering his mother’s face.

5) WichitaRed
Did Portland have a particularly bad reputation? I thought for a minute the guy with the carpet bag had stolen HH’s wallet – which would have been ironic, huh? But I guess not.
I’m glad to see you’re sticking to “Not tonight, Josephine.” Heyes. Otherwise I might have to have Maz lock you in a cellar. Strike up the ominous music – clearly folk are plotting something bad for our dimpled one. Noooo!!! Was that a trap door. With the mention of the barber’s chair I’m getting echoes of Sweeny Todd here, Wichita.

6) Calico
Er – what happened to the kittens and puppies with bandaged paws? Talk about failing to press the sentimental buttons.

7) Penski
Ah, Silky – delightfully irritable to the end.
That was a very well done deathbed scene AND reaction to a death, Penski. You left it to us to find it touching – no milking it in the writing. And he remembered the boys! Awww.

8) Maz
I’m loving HH scathing at someone else’s hat. Talk about pots and kettles.
Hey – Heyes won a cuddly toy – I mean a mule. (Was it Muffin – or was that still illegal back then?)
I’m loving the gap in the beard line.
Forget-me-not, how could you kick him? He bruises like a peach, y’know.
Oh, you are a clever gal with the banter you know. (Of course, innuendo is beneath me.)
Loving the incidentals line. Will be stealing it later. Incidentally.


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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 31, 2013 9:26 pm

Skykomish - Yay, you wrote a challenge!!!  You still got it - the boys sound good.  Poor Kid seeing the flowers and remembering.  So he had a sister that survived - like your thinking out of the box.  I really like how the Kid tells Heyes to let it go and he does.  Bad dreams... awww.  Not sure that Alice was well, but Heyes was right that coming back into her life would not be good.  She had to know what her brother had become.  Very good challenge!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:57 am

Sky:
Oh I say What a wire dodge that was. The whiskers of heart twang quiver. You can visit after you get the amnesty Kid. Sniffle, sniffle.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Sep 01, 2013 2:05 am

Skykomish - Such a beautifully-written, bittersweet story. Of course, if either of them still had family they couldn't be around them because of the danger they'd bring to them and themselves. I wonder if the Kid's sister relates the famous gunman with her brother?
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Sep 01, 2013 12:17 pm

Many of you have asked about the history of Portland. If you go to YouTube there are several videos you can watch regarding Portland one even inspired my story. Yes the glass was real. Yes the Shanghai and was real. And yes the businesses really did have trapdoors in them and apparently nobody noticed. One site said between the 1860s to the early 1900s, I believe it was something like 15,000 souls disappeared from Portland. Men would often come back years later women who were sold in the sex trade disappeared for ever. After reading this history I just had to use it for story so I hope that answers many many historical questions and if I posting answer here in comments is incorrect I apologize just not sure where else to place your answers to the questions that kept popping up And again thank you for the excited feedbacks glad you enjoyed the scary story was told by many people it was scary.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Sep 01, 2013 2:37 pm

Oh Sky you heartbreaker you..little Alice Curry. Sheesh juts throw in a puppy and watch us all cry!!!!

sorrykitty 

Did I mention I loved it?? Well I did. Waah!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Mon Sep 02, 2013 6:57 am

InsideOutlaw: Good twist at the very beginning--that definitely wasn't what I'd started off thinking!  The hurt/comfort was really well done.  I liked this story a lot!  These lines were great: Pa used to tell him that you solved your problems like you build a wall, take care of the big ones first and the smaller ones will fall into place.  And: Han started walking again, away; away from who he used to be.

WichitaRed:  Fun beginning with Kid not liking the play so much as the actress in it.  I found the story difficult to follow, though, when you switched from writing in the past tense to writing in the present tense and then went back to writing in the past tense; I think the story would flow better if you kept the narrative all in the past tense.  Great cliffhanger of an ending! Is Heyes being shanghaied?  What will Kid do?  I'll go read the rest to find out!

Calico: Oh, I love these characters--glad you've resurrected them!  And what a great pun on the prompt!  I wonder how old Hannibal is supposed to be when his father is teaching him.  I'm always impressed how you can create a whole story out of one very small event.  Then--gut punch is right: Sad reminder of what his life is like now.  This is a great line: “I am going to count to one.”

Penski: Miss Fields?  In a gray dress with a white apron?  I'm getting a picture of the Flying Nun in my head…  :-)  Aww, you killed off a guest star!  I don't think I've ever read a story with this plot before--well done thinking up something original!  You got his character just right, and his very generous parting gift to the boys: Wow!  

Maz: Good set-up with Abner and the mule and the saloon.  The poker game was fun and Heyes' confusion over what he won was amusing.  I'm guessing there's a hitch to Heyes getting what Abner owes him--why does Heyes think he's gonna get money from the bank???  Oh, and now we get to signature Maz territory: The zingers keep coming…  And then…what?!  A moral to the story???  Ohh, I really like this!

Skykomish:  Aww, heartbreak.  This didn't go where I expected.  Poor Kid; you wrote his angst real well.  And Heyes trying but not succeeding at making him feel better.  Is this the start of a longer story?  It really could--and should--be!  There's a lot of unanswered questions here and it would be great to read more.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Mon Sep 02, 2013 7:36 am

Skykomish, you for sure win the "under the wire" award this month! And with such a sad and honest story. Kid's desire to be reunited with his lost sister could be another reason for him to pursue the amnesty, too. If he wasn't wanted by the law, he could see her again without endangering her. Heyes is being logical, but logic loses out against regret. Do you plan to continue with this story? There are so many ways it could go; I hope you'll be inspired to tell us more.

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