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  Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013

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Keays

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sat Aug 03, 2013 5:47 pm

I tried to pm you Witchita Red, but for some reason it wouldn't go through. Anyways, the short story is an excerpt from 'The Trap' which is a chapter in 'Twist of Fate'. It's over on WetPaint if you want to read it!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:50 pm

Keays - Kinda hard commenting when one doesn't know what's exactly happening. Obviously, Heyes is saying good-bye to the past and moving forward. He would do that! Love the conversation he has with the gal in the picture - very sweet! Can see him wanting a daughter to someday know him and his hopes of not being forgotten. Nice!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Aug 11, 2013 5:48 am

Keays - A really bittersweet section from your story. How sad he couldn't be with Abi. A great loss to us readers too. I'd have loved to have read their mysteries! Very fitting for the prompt.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Aug 11, 2013 7:41 am

Tash! What a great first story! You had me going for sure; 'What!? She kills Kid on her first time out the chute!?' But then you did a complete turn around and everyone had reason to celebrate. A lot of great, descriptive lines in here. '...hit their noses like a bat'. etc. And the last bit about the boys from the gang not just being there to help out with the 'great deception' but also to be on hand just in case...

Very well done. You're going to fit in here quite nicely. Welcome to the gang! thumbsup 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Aug 11, 2013 3:51 pm

Keays: you're such a prolific writer, it makes sense that you'd already written something appropriate for this prompt. And this moody, reflective vignette is a beautiful response to the prompt.

Tashmina: Holy cow! Your first submission here, and you hit this one out of the park! Plot, characterization, dialogue, and a few surprises - it's all here, and it all makes sense. Well done!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Aug 11, 2013 4:16 pm

Keays....not letting poor Heyes have a happy ever after huh?

Tashmina...what a first story! Had me fooled for a while...but then no one dare kill Kid for real...dare they????Suspect 

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Aug 11, 2013 4:18 pm

Tashmina - Great first story!  What a clever Heyes plot - you have me really worried and tearing up!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun Aug 11, 2013 7:25 pm

Keays: I already commented on this on another website when it was originally was posted.  I want to read the entire chapter again so will refrain from reading/commenting on this excerpt here.  Additional comments forthcoming over on Wetpaint when I get the chance!

Tashmina:  Third time's a charm for the boys but first time's a winner for you! sm  What a great writing debut!  Loved all the interruptions that prevented the governor from just signing the amnesty papers; that was a great idea for a scene.  And then, then, you, you, did the dirty deed!  How could you?!?! Shocked  In your very first story! OHHH--there's a twist.  Excellent plotting.  Very, very well done. applause  Yup, you can play with the big boys and girls, now, Tashmina!  Very Happy   Welcome to the gang! writing 

Favorite lines:
Did one have to be skeletal to do clerical work or did they gravitate towards an office job because they only had the strength to push a pen?


“That’s it?” the Kid demanded.  “We’re free?  We’re not wanted.”  
“Definitely not,” sniffed the secretary looking at them down a hooked nose.  “I’ll see you out.”

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WichitaRed
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 14, 2013 7:51 am

Wow Tash just read sure forget-me-not story. I actually caught my breath I was like oh no no no that did not just happen. I wanted to stop reading the moment I read the blood but I had to keep going I had to know you weren't really really going to do that to us. I kept telling myself he's there he's there this is a Hannibal Hayes trick and thank you Tash it was and I love the Party at the end and having all the outlaws there together including Clem thank you for a wonderful story and your first posting too I cannot wait to read more.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 14, 2013 2:11 pm

ChristinaASJ


Your story was very sweet I loved your references to the forget-me-nots and the memories of a small child that were actually very true characters of man she was speaking of despite what the snooty reporter thought

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 14, 2013 2:25 pm

MAZ
just read your defensive position
The writing was excellent. The sarcasm straight on point excellent. especially Heyes. And the part about he took it only has a man could which was to complain and complain about kid cleaning his wound LOL. But then it turn poignant and I felt my stomach turn as i saw that Cassidy and Sundance moment all over again I hope it turns out better for our boys than them in Bolivia good story overall

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WichitaRed
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 14, 2013 2:57 pm

Sept 12 - Defensive Position Sat Sep 08, 2012 6:24 pm Mere Words

This was a tale about a little vagabond called Tibby Dunbar. I was throughly enjoying this one too and it just seemed to end. Why was he being chased? What did the boys do to intervene? What happens next? Is there more? Can anyone help me out

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WichitaRed
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 14, 2013 2:59 pm

GUEST: Defensive Position.....starts out this way "So I realized that this is the anniversary of my first story -- last September's "Authentic Experience." It's been a fun year ladies. (and I'm having formatting issues of course)"

Fun story...but what I really really want to hear is the Ballad of Heyes & Curry. I can see Heyes singing it and coming up with new verses. I can also see exactly why the Kid flattened him. Overall a lot of fun imagery...thank you for the tale whoever you are.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 14, 2013 7:23 pm

Wichita Red,

If you want to read the rest of the story Mere Words it is in three parts over on Wet Paint.  Sarah Whyment wrote it. The challenge is only the teaser.  The rest of the story is in the other two parts on Sarah's page on the WetPaint site.  Here is a link to Sarah's page.  http://asjfanfiction.wikifoundry.com/page/Sarah+Whyment

You will need to scroll down to the story Mere Words.  Have fun reading it.    study
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:24 am

Keays: You're right, this was another great fit for the prompt.  Poor Heyes having to come to terms  with his relationship with Abi.

Tashmina: I love a Hannibal Heyes plan and this was a crafty one.  You had me worried when the Kid went 'down' and caught me by surprise at the end.  Excellent first story and I am looking forward to reading much more from you.

ChristinaASJ:  Fun story and the ending was great with the reporter refusing to believe that two such hardened criminals could have a softer side.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:34 am

WitchitaRed: I almost missed your Defensive Position story, but I'm glad I didn't. Heyes was certainly a cocky, un-cautious sort, wasn't he? Good thing he learned something from this episode or he'd never have made it to being one of the most successful outlaw in the history of the West. Fun tale!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 15, 2013 9:44 am

Christina ASJ: I enjoyed this very much. I felt like you switched point of view a couple times, and even did a flashback, and it was all easy to follow. Not confusing at all, and it worked well. I thought it was charming that an old lady would remember that incident from her childhood, and I liked the way you tied it into the pilot episode. Finally, the reporter's thoughts were all too accurate. My sister is a journalist, and she has told me on many occasions that this kind of attitude is still out there.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:52 pm

WichitaRed (re Defensive Position): Heyes and his silver tongue do it again!  I liked how you set the prices for the blacksmithing and the beer--that was fun.  Yeah, Heyes should definitely rethink being so flashy.

Christina: Great ending to this story!  It ties up the two sections very well.  I enjoyed this look from another perspective of The Robbery That Went Wrong.  Though at first I thought Alice was Alice from The Legacy of Charlie O'Rourke.  That newspaper journalist just had no imagination!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 15, 2013 8:22 pm

Wichita Red (Defensive Position) - Oh, you're one of the first to go back to a previous challenge and write.  Loved this first line - birds were singing fit to outdo a big city symphony.  Can see a happy Heyes smoking a cigar and riding along.  He sure was lucky that the shoe was coming off only half a mile from town and not several miles - didn't have to walk far in his fancy impractical boots.  What's the shotgun shack?  Snicker... love how the smith was robbing the robber with his price of fixing the shoe.  So Heyes "attacked" the leader of the five men but then was saying how he was a sheep lover?  Nice how he escaped and his paint was ready in a nick of time.  Curious, though, what Heyes & his horse were doing among the crowd?  I didn't get that part.  Big Jim was right - an outlaw shouldn't be so showy and draw attention to himself.  Good story.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 15, 2013 8:23 pm

ChristinaASJ - You really grab your readers at the beginning.  I'm wondering the timeframe since both Curry and Heyes are gone.  I do like how one died soon after the other - like a couple married for 50 years.  A story about a passenger on the last Heyes/Curry train robbery!  Aww... love how Alice ran to get her doll and that the Kid grabbed her.  Very sweet how he got the doll for her before returning her to her mother.  Snicker... the reporter isn't quite believing her story.  You used the prompt successfully several times in your challenge - good job.  Very good challenge.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:34 pm

Inside Outlaw - What a sad challenge, but the prompt sure created for the mood.  Loved the beginning with Heyes & Curry being boys.  I can so see little Jed putting flowers on the grave and Han trying to put up a brave front.  Great line - Han started walking again, away; away from who he used to be.  And then the present with an unusual accident, but very believable.  (My cousin used to build log cabins until he put an axe in his knee - now it's just log furniture.)  Love how serious the injury was with the bleeding & fever coming on and the raising the leg above the heart.  You didn't have a "hurt today and well tomorrow" approach, which is great.  Poor Kid had too much time to remember and ponder!  Enjoyed how Heyes finally did talk and the first memory.  Excellent challenge!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:57 pm

On Inside Outlaw, how do you do it? Just a short piece of fiction, and you manage to tie me up in emotional knots. The image of Jed looking out the window, and Heyes seeing the bleeding start again. He has to pull Kid out of his reverie to ask for help. That just about tore me apart. And then, the whole question of, can I even remember my mother's face? If Heyes dies, will I remember him? That got to me, too. And Heyes, trying to avoid even talking about their lost families, trying to avoid the emotional pain, but he finally does talk, to make Kid happy. What a picture of friendship. As you may be able to tell, IO, I enjoyed this a lot.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 22, 2013 7:32 pm

My tell tale heart.  Ghislaine Emrys

You did an amazing job of recreating Poe. Reading this I can see why he was considered a erotica  Or maybe it was just knowing all of this was Hannibal. The beating of the heart, racing pulse beat, the heaving breath even trickle of sweat all Hannibal Hannibal Hannibal you could feel the beat of Pulsing in your brain as you read study hosting poetic rhythm. I do wish he was not telling the tale prison but c'est la vie that does happen to outlaws .... Really really enjoyed to touch of Por

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 22, 2013 8:48 pm

Detritus by Rosie Annie

I had no idea what to expect as I read my way into your story. I felt as uncomfortable and despondent as Heyes and Curry to find preacher in such a terrible way. I like the way it was a simple tale but it showed how the guys never forgot their friends and always tried to assist them in any way they could. A grim subject you're correct but your writing was strong and fluid and very good.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu Aug 22, 2013 8:58 pm

Inside outlaw- Bodacious

Just finished this Devils hole introduction to the infamous kid Curry. Wheats reaction to the baby faced gunslinger was excellent right in line with his personality. It is always interesting to see how the various authors decide how to write some of these prime points in their life, like getting back together. I like the way they came in on equal grounds and yet Heyes perfectly set kid Curry Up to make each and every hole member fully aware of his skill level. The striking match trick made me smile this was a very cool idea or maybe hot idea would be more appropriate!

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