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  Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013

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RosieAnnie

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 09, 2013 7:30 am

Claybank, what a fun take on the reunion theme! I appreciate that you looked at the gang from a different view, making Kid the member who is recruiting Heyes. The dialogue is witty. Some of my favorite lines: "Would you shoot him and get it over with so we can keep playing?" and "guess we don't get to check his pockets."

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 09, 2013 8:07 am

Maz: This was a nice look into one partner's thoughts after the breakup of a long, intense relationship. Of course, he would be second guessing the decision and asking himself if he'd made a mistake.

Claybank: I enjoyed this well-written reunion tale. I liked, too, that it was the Kid who brought Heyes into Jim Santana's gang this time and not the other way around. Nicely done.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 am

Inside Outlaw, I really admire how you get so much story into so few words. Every word does its job. Your description of the boys' thoughts give them clear and plausible reasons to pursue the amnesty. Good stuff.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 09, 2013 8:49 am

Claybank; This was a nice twist to an old tale. Many have written stories about how the fellas ended up with the Devil's Hole gang but not many--if any--have come at it from this angle. Nice refreshing take on it.

InsideOutlaw; I really enjoyed this story and it fills in that all important gap in the pilot as to why Heyes changed his mind about going for amnesty. It's interesting too, that the posse was on their tail for four days. In the pilot we're left with the impression that they shook that posse quickly and then out of the blue went to see Lom. This makes a lot more scene. Well done!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 09, 2013 3:03 pm

Claybank, as others have said a new angle for the reunion tale. We usually have Heyes in the Gang first so Bravo for taking us in a new direction.

Inside Outlaw...so now we know what was said before they ride into Porterville. Good dialogue

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Sun May 12, 2013 7:41 am

Hello Ladies,

I failed to comment on April's stories. (Hangs head in shame.) I read them, but I never seemed to find the time to go back and comment. So this month I'm going to try to quickly comment when I take a few moments to read . Maybe I will do a better job. Please forgive my lack of participation over the last year.



Maz - Regrets and rash words pack a punch in this snippet. I wondered how old they were as I read. Is this the "split up" so prevalent in fan fiction or is this happening when they are older, during the run for amnesty? I suppose it doesn't really matter, but the voice seems older and way past the teen years to me.

Claybank - Oh, I liked this a lot! There is a hard edge to both the story and the characters in this piece. They don't seem like sweet little victims forced into outlawry by circumstances. You wrote them as men who made a choice to steel and skirt legal niceties and don't feel any regret about it. The mention of how the gang members deferred to Heyes allows a glimpse at his natural assumption of leadership. Good job!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Tue May 14, 2013 7:55 am

Claybank - Oh, I like that different version with the Kid in the DHG first and Heyes joining him. Heyes' siler-tongue is at full-speed here as he keeps folks from thinking he's a cheat to "asking" Hank and Lom to move. Yep, Big Jim and Heyes will get along. Love how the Kid walks the saloon and surveys the crowd before he can relax. Big Jim should appreciate one of his gang members watching out for the others. Very good!

Inside Outlaw - The Pilot, though entertaining, always bothered me. It sure doesn't show Heyes and Curry being two of the most successful outlaws in the West. Your challenge gives some reasons why the job went south and why Heyes was willing to step aside and allow Wheat to try. Now it makes sense. Love the tired Heyes perking up with the new challenge of amnesty. Very well written!

Yope - Hmm... My first thought when I read they're sitting on a porch in the rain because they lost their key is, "Heyes, you can break into a bank, but not a cabin? Get out your pick locks and start working!" Then I hear about this new tough gang and a calico cat. Oh... maybe his pick locks were taken by this gang. We can be pretty rough on the boys, huh? Cute!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Tue May 14, 2013 9:17 am

"Oh... maybe his pick locks were taken by this gang. "

Hehe, or the calico. Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Tue May 14, 2013 10:02 am


1) Maz
Oh, I am already loving the repetition of our key work, Maz. So may small and large frustrations and disappointments building up.
That was so good. And touching. Sniff.

2) Claybank
Lovely – a version of HH and the Kid getting back together after their mysterious split. Different to the usual fanfic assumptions having Kid bring HH into the Devil’s Hole Gang. Nice.
And there they are – making plans to become the greatest outlaws in the West. Cue music!!
Very realistic feeling scene Claybank.

3) InsideOutlaw
I am adoring the ‘maybe’ ‘can you be more specific?’ ‘no’ – exchange. Very series like banter.
OH! This is the missing scene from the pilot. Classic.
Yes, I can see that HH has no more worlds to conquer in the outlawing world and wants a new challenge / choice.
Clever, clever Inside! Like it.

4) Yope1995
Dear Kid, of course he doesn’t want to hear ‘ I told you so’ from the dimpled one – not again!
HEY! I got a name check! I saved Heyes! Beam. So – he adopted a cat???
So, our boys have been bushwhacked by a gang of – hem hem – completely strange and unknown females none of us would recognise? Blush.
Warm applause Yope! And, yup, boys – I think you may run into us – I mean them – again!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed May 15, 2013 6:37 am

Claybank, that was fun! You really have an ear for dialogue. Very enjoyable - for me, maybe not for the boys so much.

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PostSubject: Maybe Maz   Wed May 15, 2013 6:56 am

MAZ

Interesting little piece. I like the way you never said who was speaking. I got the feel it was Kid. Funny how in many of the tales it is always said or assumed it was the Kid who rode away or broke them up.

Anyone ever wondered why this is?

Anyway I digress (kind of how my mind has been feeling of late) but I did enjoy this quick to the point tale.

Thank you for sharing and this was a great word sentence: Something came between us like an axe splits a log.

Excellent visual for how a person feels at times: Something made continuing on together unbearable.

And when I read this, I thought, 'I bet Heyes did too.' he gave some just as good right back at me. W


Keep writing Maz...good stuff. bandit

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PostSubject: claybank -- Maybe   Wed May 15, 2013 7:07 am

Claybank

Never in all my readings have I stumbled across one writer who said Kid was at the Devil's Hole before Heyes. And, I gotta tell you I like it. Like it a lot. The notion made me smile the moment I read Kid entering the room with the DHG and he finding Heyes. This was an unexpected twist that took a sharp loop.

WHOA -- the gun to Heyes' neck, did not see that coming and at the same time could not help but smile. How sick doe that make me? Great Great Line -- “Of all the people I never expected to see alive again, you head up the list, Heyes,” Followed by this one...you weren't pulling any punches and your fingers must have been flying over the keyboard. -- “I’m two years older than the last time we saw each other, and you’re still callin’ me Kid. Well, I got a revolver at the back of your head, and the bullet’ll leave it at the same speed no matter how old I look.”

It is a scene you never thought to read in an ASJ tale and it was perfectly done and very memorable. I am guessing you are Kidette but you nailed Heyes correctly with this line -- “If he shoots me, you don’t get my winnings,” Heyes retorted.

Really thrilled by this short piece and would love to see you take the whole idea further....I mean “They don’t even obey Big Jim like that,” the Kid chuckled.

Ace High... Ace



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PostSubject: Yope 1995   Wed May 15, 2013 7:15 am

Yope

fun tale.... and your description here made me shivver. Brrrr ---Two drenched figures sit on the porch of a cabin out in the pouring rain. Water had formed miniature ponds and rivers, snaking past their muddy boots. Thunder rumbles causing the black hat to tilt slightly as the wearer looks up; rainwater cascades off the hat’s brim. -- really liked the miniature ponds and rivers, snaking past their muddy boots.

I think MAYBE there is more to this tale...the boys are holding back and you just ought to let it all out in the open for them. It had some very grin-able pieces in it and I enjoyed it immensely. ---“That Wichita gal had the nerve to take my favorite gun,” Kid grumbles. I might have too. Although I do have to say the Peacemaker is bit heavy I carry a Scout same look/feel but a smaller caliber. But hmmmmm yeah it would be be better then Heyes's Schofield those were lousy guns.

Maybe might have had to argue a bit more over Heyes though..... wonder what rest of the ladies were arguing over.

too fun...too fun. Can we Maybe Beg for More -- cigar

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed May 15, 2013 8:39 am

Ohh, that was sneaky Riders!! But trust Heyes to come up with a devious plan like that. He even had me fooled, wondering how you were going to finish up this tale with so little space left! I think some of us are starting to think too much like Heyes ('course, is that a bad thing?).

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PostSubject: Indian Outlaw -- MAYBE   Wed May 15, 2013 10:10 am

Indian Outlaw -- maybe

Been really pleased with this months tales.. they maybes have taken us place we have not been before. I was surprised when I realized we were on the scene after the losing of the safe in the pilot episode. Very Cool!

I can tell you are a horse person too.... terrific description on these two lines
-- The animal beneath him blew mightily and shook his lathered neck to flick off the foam tickling its nostrils.
-- Heyes rocked up and down with the heaving of his own animal.

Each time I have re-watched this episode I have thought these questions too...."That was another thing. Why was Heyes putting up with Wheat’s needling? It seemed like lately his partner was losing his grip on the gang and that wasn’t like Heyes either. --- Heyes hadn’t done more than make a snide comment and step aside. In the past, Heyes would’ve taken Wheat apart for smart-mouthing him." Thank you for having Kid Curry voice them aloud. It really put a depth to this tale and made a reader think outside the box as they read it.

I like your whole concept of Heyes being tired of being the leader of having conquered this puzzle till he was bored to death of it and amnesty was merely a new challenge to give our curious outlaw something to keep his mind active.

A the cold chill which came over Kid thinking this --- "If they quit the Devil’s Hole gang, it was only a matter of time before they were caught and killed or put away forever." Well done, good thoughts, well written. And, how ironic it is exactly what they do...I mean these two literally jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

You had good personality and I like the interaction between the two of them. Overall very well done. Thanks for sharing. horsie Yippeee Yipeee Yahooo!


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PostSubject: Riders57 -- MAYBE   Wed May 15, 2013 10:21 am

Riders57 -- MAYBE

So I do have to say I giggled here.."flung a rock as hard as he could into the middle of the berry patch. After a moment -- “No bears, let’s go.”" But that is only because I did put a bear in a bush with them once. Who would think they learn lessons from other writers. :0)

This was a well written tale...I kept thinking what is she getting at? I mean when in the seven gates of Hades would Heyes say anything like --"Of course, I am. Maybe I’m just tired of making all the decisions. Why don’t you try it for a change?”

I felt like the Kid...uh uhm well.. what is Riders up to. Keep reading and find out. Then I got an owl hoot giggle when I reached then end and realized that Heyes was using a bit of reverse psyhcology on his poor partner.

Sometimes the malarkey Kid goes through does make you wonder why he loves his cuz so much.

Quietly chuckling and going back to work now...knowing Heyes is still as sharp and smart as he always was.

Thanks for the work and the fun tale. Good Job! draw

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed May 15, 2013 11:50 am

WithitaRed; Can't agree with your opinion that we always assume that it is Kid talking when the partner's aren't identified. I for one felt that it was Heyes who was the one narrating this 'break-up' story.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed May 15, 2013 3:49 pm

okay -- catching up here.

Claybank -- great entry. As others have mentioned it's a different take to have the Kid pull Heyes into the gang. Now why do we all picture Big Jim as not being too fond of the Kid? The dialogue was very believable in general. I do wonder if when giving his toast Heyes would have allowed any doubt as to the likelihood of their success, despite the Kid's more tempered response.

Inside/Outlaw -- well done. This was a great missing scene explaining the first part of the pilot when they came across as the "gang that couldn't shoot straight" instead of the "most successful outlaws in the history of the West."

Yope1995 -- snort, lol. Good job on setting the scene and leading your readers gently into your punchlines.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 16, 2013 6:51 am

Yope: Those pesky Outlaw Appreciation Ladies show up in the strangest places! I had a feeling it was them when I got to the line about that Calico cat. Cute story.

Riders:Sneaky of Heyes to get around his partner's grumpiness like that. So he was stung by the "may" bee? Like Witchita I was finding it hard to conceive of a Heyes who was so befuddled and enjoyed learning it was all an HH Plan.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 16, 2013 8:18 am

[quote="riders57"] Now why do we all picture Big Jim as not being too fond of the Kid?

Riders, I had to respond to this comments because it's something I've pondered a lot. At the end of Return to Devil's Hole when Santana and Clara are saying their goodbyes, the Kid is standing next to Heyes and Santana barely acknowledges him, almost acts as though he isn't there. I've always wondered what this meant. Did he not know the Kid at all? Had there been bad blood between them at some point or was it just a goof? These are the small details that make for so much great fan fiction!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Thu May 16, 2013 9:38 am

Oh Riders, that Heyes is a sneaky one, isn't he? I thought you were going to go somewhere with bad effects of a bee sting, but no, that bee sting just seemed to give Heyes some ideas. It's just our Heyes, devious as ever.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Mon May 20, 2013 3:17 pm

Claybank - I do like the idea of Kid being the one to get Heyes into the gang for a change. Enjoyed the confrontation at the poker table. Very well written.

Inside Outlaw - Your story answers a lot of questions left open in the pilot episode. And it makes perfect sense. I enjoyed this alot. Well done.

Yope - Cute story of the boys sitting in the rain. Always love a nicely done and humerous argument :)

Riders - I absolutely loved the last part of this! It was so well done. I too thought you were going to take it in a different direction. Good job.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Fri May 24, 2013 1:37 pm

Maz - This was very touching and reminded me of the thinking of someone who was regretfully realising a long marriage was now over. Very touching and beautifully written.

Claybank - A different and original take on the way they ended up in The Devil's Hole and full of great lines like, "Well, I got a revolver at the back of your head, and the bullet’ll leave it at the same speed no matter how old I look.”

InsideOutlaw - This really did have the feel of an episode the way the boys talked and the dialogue flowed. I really enjoyed how this took us through gaps in the pilot and showed us hoe they had become weary of the outlaw life, and Heyes, in particular, needed a different challenge.

Yope - This was lots of fun, and some of those 'robbers' seemed very familiar. Who did you say took the gun? It was a good job a friendly cat was there to protect him. Mind you, if those robebrs were who I think they were, the boys were lucky to get out at all!

Riders - A twist, as well as a sting, in the tale! I was expecting this to take a medical turn, with Heyes taking some kind of allergy, but all it did was prod the mind to think all the maybes and take a different direction
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Tue May 28, 2013 7:31 pm

Riders - Dang, you got you pass me when I wasn't looking, but it was a nice surprise to see your challenge today. This was a fun one with Heyes using reverse psychology on the Kid to get him to do what he wanted. Love the berry picking and throwing a rock to make sure no bears were in the brush. Until the last paragraph you had me going - wondering if Heyes was having a reaction to the bee sting. Very cute!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments - Open 25th March 2013, Closed 16th Sept 2013   Wed May 29, 2013 9:32 pm

RosieAnnie - What a wonderful continuation of the plot! I never thought to put Lom and Ms. Porter together, but your letters showed how respect grew into love. Very sweet! I bet Mr. & Mrs. Porter will grow to love and respect Lom as a son-in-law, eventually. Very clever!

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