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stormr
AllegraW
Bison1
countryrosie
joannb
nm131
Shenango
Fortitudine
Maz
sistergrace
Calico
FrankieASJ
RosieAnnie
skykomish
Penski
InsideOutlaw
HannaHeyes
Ghislaine Emrys
BeeJay
23 posters
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw


Posts : 882
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 68
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeMon Feb 18, 2013 9:31 am

Yope1995: This was very well written. You set the mood so well in the first couple of paragraphs and really captured the desperate situation the boys were in. I, too, recognized Gabe and enjoyed the low-key introduction you gave him. I agree with Heyes, someone must have been looking out for them to survive all that they have. Great story!
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw


Posts : 882
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 68
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeMon Feb 18, 2013 9:44 am

OVERSPILL AREA

Ghislaine: I loved your take on the "Telltale heart". It was beautifully written and I felt like I was there watching Heyes's descent into madness over his love of safe-cracking. Very cleverly done.
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Maz

Maz


Posts : 441
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 62
Location : London, England

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeMon Feb 18, 2013 4:48 pm

Penski...you tugged at the heart with this one. Both boys dealing with the realities of their life and what it means when you carry a gun.

Yope...just when I was beginning to like you, you KILLED KID! Shocked I realise you may be young but..Sheesh!!
Okay I really enjoyed it..once Gabe turned up and I figured out who he was and what you were going to do. But be warned...I have my eye on you!! Suspect

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Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 19, 2013 10:48 am

Penski -- a very emotional story. I agree with you that they've both killed in their lives and aren't comfortable with doing it (thus, in all the banks and trains they robbed they never even shot anyone). I liked the way you handled such an emotional discussion that it would be difficult for two men of that time to have, even two such good friends. Very low key and so very believable. Good job.

Yope -- another emotional one. A real tear jerker. You handled the descriptions very well. Your stories are getting better each time -- great job.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 19, 2013 3:44 pm

Penski - Another one setting the bar very high this month, exploring how men react to killing and still managing to capture some very real male interactions. A master class in underplaying.

Yope - I think your writing is really developing at a fast rate, and the although I could spot who Gabe was, it did not detract from my appreciation of the your well-written tale. The way you caught the characterisations was one of my favourite parts of this.

Ghislaine (overspill) - I love the works of Poe and this was one of my first thoughts when I read the promp, but I thought, 'Hey - I've got a rewrite to do.' I'm glad I didn't attempt to take on 'The Tell Tale Heart' - not now I've read yours! Wonderful. Just so clever. applause
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Penski
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Penski


Posts : 1804
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 62
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 19, 2013 6:02 pm

Sister Grace - Ohhh... the dead man's hand with Heyes' point of view! Clever using the name Jim instead of the more famous middle name of Bill. Loved the two gunmen sizing up each other and silently communicating that they were not a threat--at the moment. And, of course, I loved the historical notes at the end. Another wonderful challenge!

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"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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Ghislaine Emrys
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Ghislaine Emrys


Posts : 669
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 39
Location : Arizona

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 19, 2013 6:33 pm

Sister Grace: Cool twist on the real story of Wild Bill! It took me way too long to realize who "Jim" was -- I wasn't used to hearing him referred to that way (in The Young Riders, it was always James). I didn't know the details of the incident--the name of the saloon or what Mr. Rich didn't do or anything about the Captain. You wove in the real history with the story of Kid and Heyes really well. Great way to use the prompt and it was quite eery, actually, the way you revealed it at the very end. This line reminded me of the one the bad guy in Stagecoach Seven said prior to boarding the stage: "You take that seat down there," he gestured with his bottle. Whther or not that was intentional, it was still a nice reference!

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This is one of my schemes... ~ Hannibal Heyes

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Cornelia May

Cornelia May


Posts : 78
Join date : 2013-01-10
Age : 28
Location : Gettysburg, PA

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 19, 2013 6:50 pm

Lovely story Sistergrace. I've been to Deadwood several times and to Wild Bill's grave site at the Mount. Moriah cemetery. I always thought that the saloon as called the #10 since 1876, but, I can't argue with research. Loved that it was from Heyes' point of view.

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"The only thing in life you have to earn is love, everything else you can steal." ~Hannibal Heyes
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 19, 2013 8:37 pm

Sister Grace
Going out of turn commenting, as I glanced at the date at the top of the story and couldn’t resist. Needless to say, I love this! It is atmospheric, and so rich in historical detail, with everything woven together nicely. The boys seem as if they actually belong there (who knows, maybe they were). This is, as usual, well written and researched (did I say I really liked the historical detail and endnotes?). Like Cornelia May, I’ve also been to Deadwood and knew the place as Saloon #10; so cool to know its formal name. As well, as soon as “Jim” appeared, I knew who he was (yes, from “The Young Riders,” where a young Hickok was called “Jimmy”; he allegedly hated the “Wild Bill” moniker). It’s fun to see another take on this event (which was always on the annual list of things that happened on my birthday), as I also used it as background for a short challenge a couple of years ago. Needless to say, I like this one much better. Clapping!
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InsideOutlaw

InsideOutlaw


Posts : 882
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 68
Location : Colorado

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeWed Feb 20, 2013 9:11 am

Sistergrace: I loved the historical detail you wove into your story. I had no idea until nearly the end who Jim was and that made it all the more fun. The Kid and Hickock recognizing kindred spirits and also the twist at the end with the Kid holding the same hand in the red suits. That must've sent a chill up his and Heyes's backs!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeWed Feb 20, 2013 12:09 pm

Ghislaine - Just like everyone else, I had to read this a couple of times before I understood the point of view. This was a very sad story and lingers in the memory. Wonderful writing, and a poignant take on the prompt.

Riders - Another soiled dove, but this one has a secret. I'm sure there is so much more to learn about this. Why did she break down in tears? Please do tell! How great that a moment's kindness should pay off down the line... or is there more to it????

Maz - Cutting up hearts!? Shocked Is it true what they say about British cooking? (only joking! Honest!) Seriously, a very funny story and a take on the prompt I did not expect.

Penski - The scars show for both men in this one and the damage done by the harsh side of their lives. The way men really communicate is captured so well, but at least they have each other for support.

Yope - Divine intervention in this well written tale? I spotted who Gabe was, though. Loved the Kid not believing Heyes at the end

Sister Grace - Historical stories are my very favourite, and the detail in this one slotted into ASJ fanfic so well. I do love stories that seem like they could have happened, and even the cards he held just seemed to sit alongside the interaction with the Kid so naturally.

Ghislaine(overspill) - What a great reworking of the Poe story. You are so very clever! Would Heyes feel that guilty though? Does it matter with a story this good? It works so well.
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HannaHeyes

HannaHeyes


Posts : 601
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 48
Location : The Hideout

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeWed Feb 20, 2013 5:22 pm

I've fallen behind this month.....

Ghislaine - A sad tale of a lonely sad woman forced into prostitution.I could just feel her agony and despair. Both viewpoints were well written.

Riders - Another meloncholy story that was well written. Really liked Alice's character. Loved the ending!

Maz - How funny! Kid got to be the know-it-all this time around. Loved Heyes' reactions and the last two lines!

Penski - Nice look into the boy's feelings on having to kill. That's a story point rarely looked at. Very visual. Good job.

Yope - I loved this story,even though you momentarily killed the Kid. I knew exactly who gabe was. Your writing is coming along very nicely!

Sistergrace - Nice story on what happened to Wild Bill. I always enjoy actual historical figures in stories. Well done!

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Come to the dark side.....we have cookies... Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeThu Feb 21, 2013 8:38 am

Ghislaine - A sad tale, and very realistic. Full of despair, made even worse for the sense that the men just had no idea the torment she was suffering, too involved with their own needs.

Riders - I, too, wanted to find out more detail of why she broke down in tears. The character of Alice was very vividly written and I would also like to read more of her.

Maz - As other have said this short piece was a hoot! I never thought I'd read this take on the prompt.

Penski - Wonderfully written, capturing the characters and the traumatic effects of taking a life. The male speech patterns were captured so well, as others have said.

Yope - You killed the Kid!? How could you? scaredtodeath Okay, you brought him back. I'll let you off - this time! Suspect

Sister Grace - The blend of historical detail and the boys was seamless here. I adore stories that put the boys in real places or with real people - so consider this thoroughly adored.

Ghislaine - Your overspill story was so cleverly done, and a wonderful twist on the original. Extra kudos too for making it just so enjoyable to read and compare to the Poe version.



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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeThu Feb 21, 2013 8:55 am

SisterGrace -- From your header I recognized location and date and realized what event you would be relating. But it didn't matter, you told a masterful story that kept me anticipating what was going to happen. The first paragraph did an excellent job of setting the tone. You then proceeded to ratchet up the tension with each succeeding paragraph. Good job. I really liked the mirroring of the hands held by the two gunfighters, one in black and one in red. But one was the Dead Man's Hand and the other -- not. Really enjoyed it.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeThu Feb 21, 2013 8:59 am

Okay, okay I'll explain why Alice cried. Here's a woman who has just risked her standing and reputation in her community to help these two who clearly don't remember her. She's had to relive the humiliation of her years as a prostitute, she's lied to her son again and continues to lie and to deepen the lie about her "husband" to her son so that he will not know his origins. In addition she'd be relieved that she succeeded and didn't destroy her hard won respectibility in the town. It had to be stressful and take an emotional toll. Once the encounter ended and the adrenelin that would have sustained her through it had passed, wouldn't she react? Personally, I think most would cry at that point.
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Maz

Maz


Posts : 441
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 62
Location : London, England

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeFri Feb 22, 2013 9:29 am

Sistergrace, loved the tension building as we wonder...who is this man? What will happen between him and Kid? Should I order a sasperilla? Oh no that wasn't in there was it.

Great take on the historial dead man's hand. Bravo, clapping...off to comfort Kid.

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Obstacles are put in our way to see if we really want something or only thought we did: Edison
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeSat Feb 23, 2013 10:26 am

Cornelia May - Aww! Poor little boys, such similar scenes, such life-changing events. No A real tear-jerker.
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sistergrace

sistergrace


Posts : 555
Join date : 2012-04-22
Location : Devil's Hole

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeSun Feb 24, 2013 1:36 pm

Cornelia May - I like how you eluded to the idea that two hearts had been broken, without coming right out and saying it. My favorite line was - ...growing beyond their years in the matter of a few hours. thumbsup

OVERSPILL -Ghislaine - How eerie! The true confessions of Hannibal Heyes as told by his guilty heart! LOVE Poe, and this adaptation of his tell-tale heart was well done! Clapping! sm

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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeMon Feb 25, 2013 5:56 am

Cornelia May -- I like you showing the both boys perspectives on the loss of their families and how similar their reactions were. Definitely heart-rending.

Remuda -- liking the continuation. Looking forward to see what Heyes makes of Polly and whether that distracts him from finding Jed.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeMon Feb 25, 2013 8:40 am

Ghis; Yes, that was a very haunting dialogue. But I can certainly see that if Heyes were to lose his mind, that is the direction he might possibly go in! Finding comfort in Poe.

Remuda; Oh yes! A continuation of you little boys lost story. These are interesting and it will certainly be fun to see where Han goes with Polly and her father. Wise choice though, he needs to eat so best to take it when it's offered.
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Penski
Moderator
Penski


Posts : 1804
Join date : 2012-04-22
Age : 62
Location : Northern California

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeMon Feb 25, 2013 10:12 pm

Cornelia May - So similar...so young...so tragic! Good angsty challenge! Favorite line was the last one - They started down the road towards town, each of them growing beyond their years in the matter of a few hours.

Remuda - Oh, I enjoy your Hopping Trains! Poor Han looking hard for his little cousin. Liked the bantering between Han and Polly. Curious how this story is gonna play out.

Keays - Is this part of your long story? Where is he that there is "a stack of letters that had been sitting there now for over a week"? Huh... Heyes has a daughter. Love how he caresses the picture.

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h
"Do you ever get the feeling that nothing right is ever going to happen to us again?" - Kid Curry
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 26, 2013 4:14 pm

Yes Penski; I cheat. This is part of TOF. Sometimes the prompts just fit!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 26, 2013 4:41 pm

Ghislaine
Wow, you really nailed the description of the Old Homestead in Cripple Creek, Ghis! It instantly came to mind as I was reading, and then there was the endnote acknowledging same. This was alternately sad and excitedly anticipatory, with the juxtaposition of the two narrators well done and contrasting at every turn. Given I’d just finished “Soiled Doves,” I knew who the first narrator was; their lives were indeed difficult, and your portrayal was spot on. This is, as usual, well written, and one phrase in particular really jumped out at me – “He grinned like the schoolboy he wasn’t…” Great job!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 26, 2013 6:53 pm

Wow Bison! What can I say? You don't always contribute but when you do you make it well worth the read! 'The respectable woman she didn't want to be' huh? I think we can all relate to that. Not sure if I liked, or found it irritating that you never let us know which of the partners she was smitten with! A little bit of tension in there of who's who.
And the Amnesty Admiration Society! That couldn't be us could it? Always getting in the way of those harlots trying to steal away our boys! Can't have that!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Awestruck Comments - Page 36 Icon_minitimeTue Feb 26, 2013 10:07 pm

Riders
This is at once bittersweet with emotion packed in, but also funny with a real sweetness to it; wonderful to have so many elements in a story and have it all work. Alice is a wonderful heroine, and quick-thinking to boot. Love how the name of the town echoes what she needed in her life at that time, Forgive(ness), even if it was only to forgive herself. Read on its own, I’d have been thinking about a connection between a towhead and the older man up until the revelation, but I did read the prequel first and now am thinking that was the wrong thing to do. Best perhaps to read what’s here to get the full impact. No matter, it’s a lovely story. Well done!
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