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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Sat Jun 09, 2012 5:06 am

HannahHeyes - so much to love about this one fom the wonderful lines such as, "a body would have to get brains first,' to "Quit lickin' the walls, Kyle." The dialogue ran smoothly in sparkling form, making for a very 'visual' read. applause
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:58 am

HannaHeyes: Enjoyed your story just as much the second time reading it here as I did the first time over on the other website. The sniping all four men engage in is hilarious but very true to character. Too many great lines to have just one favorite. I certainly think the reference to diamonds in your story meets the requirements of the prompt, but otoh I'm not the moderator here. What makes it even funnier is that the reason for Kyle's, er, problem, is based on scientific evidence and is not something made up for the purpose of the story.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 12, 2012 7:03 am

HannaHeyes: I read this one over on the other site and it tickled me. I think it is a fine use of the prompt!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 12, 2012 4:55 pm

This was a fun story Hannah Heyes, and a first time read for me. I loved the bantering between the four of them and really shows the kind of relationships that intertwin within the gang itself.
Poor Kyle always seem to be on the loosing end--hmmm no pun intended. Good story, and thanks for bringing it over to this site and re-cycling it for those of us who hadn't had the chance to read it before.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:27 pm

RIDERS - Love the idea of the DHG playing baseball. That's one game I would like to watch! Love this line, “You’ll have to be real specific about stealin’ bases.” Good story, although, I admit, I would've like to have seen (read) how the game went ;) sm

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:08 pm

Hanna Heyes - Oh, I remember this story. Great bantering and ALL dialog, which is NOT an easy thing to do. Almost the entire time I knew who was talking, which couldn't have been easy for the writer to do. Cute how only Kyle got stuck getting out of the cave. Very clever!

Riders - Diamonds... Baseball... Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Excellent take on the prompt and way to keep the Devil's Hole gang occupied until that posse leaves the entrance of the Hole! Love how Heyes and Kid will each have a rotating team - you thought about it all, just like Heyes did! And a bottle of the good stuff and more money was just the right motivation. Very creative and entertaining!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Thu Jun 14, 2012 7:10 am

Riders: There was just so much to love here! Of course, boys will fight when they are bored. I like how you showed Wheat's short-sightedness compared to Heyes's long view. The wisdom of Kid knowing it needed to be fun and knowing it would occupy Heyes first and foremost. The toss of coin.

Loved it all!!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:39 pm

Riders; what a fun story! I can just picture the whole gang getting antsy with a posse sitting right on their front door step. And Heyes and the Kid have to find ways to fight the boredom too. Good thing Kid had all the guns in the leaders cabin for cleaning, indeed! I can hear the whooping and hollering going on as the game progresses and everybody having a great time--they probably won't even notice when the posse actually gets bored and moves on themselves.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Fri Jun 15, 2012 4:59 pm

Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. I'm WAY behind here.

Starting where I left off with May and "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished."

HANNA HEYES: There are a lot of things Our Boys can't resist - not even Heyes - and one of those is a lost child. Very clever of her daddy to use his daughter to lure them in, and very right of her mama to be very angry about it. Even Kid caught the daddy at it: "That was pretty low to use your daughter. How did you know we wouldn't just shoot our way out of here?" Daddy got the child's approval, so it was alright?? I don't think so!

I liked the way you tied the "good deeds" line into both your stories. I think Madeleine might have had the best lines in both episodes; "my mother tells me the same thing" about her husband, and her reasoning how the sheriff and her husband will react when Heyes and Curry escape.

RIDERS 57: Another two-fer! I enjoy seeing how Heyes and Curry look differently at the same incident. Your idea of their contributing to an oral history project is an excellent device to hear them both speak. I feel like you got their voices very well. I think Kid Curry got the best lines. My favorite was "I don't agree that no good deed goes unpunished; good deeds have their own reward in the doin' even if there are negative consequences." I also like the way you show Curry's presence and control. He dominates the room when he comes in, and the interview is over when he says it is.

FORTITUDINE: Hannibal Heyes wasn't always the leader of the gang, was he? Even Heyes was 16 years old once, trying to make his way in the world. I like the teen-age Heyes' realist viewpoint of his situation and Big John: "he was a man of many parts and all of them bad." And, while he may want to think that pretty girl has noticed him, he knows that "as a skinny sixteen year old with ragged trousers and holes in his boots," she wasn't likely to. But even then, he had a silver tongue, and knew what just to say to Miss McLaren to discourage her. And he knew what was likely to result from his "good deed." Well done.

PENSKI: Ah, the foreshadowing! Jed as a "gunnie" for Heyes, and Heyes as the leader of a gang of thieves? Who could believe that! Those twins really are the proverbial bad seeds, aren't they? Too bad for Our Boys that the twins didn't just run away.

Continuing with June and "Diamond(s)"

INSIDE OUTLAW: Heyes as a horse whisperer? I believe it. He'd always try to figure out a better way to do something. And Lobo egging Wheat on, just to mess with him? Kyle trying to warn him off, and finally figuring, hey, this could be entertaining? I can see that, too. Sometimes I've wondered why all those men did for entertainment when they were at Devil's Hole, and encouraging someone else to get into trouble and do something stupid would probably be high on the list.

I also like the way you wrote the lead paragraphs, playing with us, the readers, about this copper-tressed beauty, who she might be, and finally, that she's a horse.
You write about the whole training process as if you know and understand horses very well.

REMUDA: More saddle talk! And saddle singing! Love Heyes' reference to Kid's philosophizing again. And all Heyes' "maybes" towards the end. A little bit like a petulant child, but hey, even a genius can get proddy every so often.

RIDERS 57: Very plausible explanation of how Big Jim got captured, and Heyes did not. I think the subtitle to this story could be "greed", because I was able to picture that motivation very clearly, especially when Jim is first looking at the diamond necklace. Heyes is still young enough that he doesn't know when to shut up, and Kid has enough emotional intelligence to subtly urge Heyes to give it a rest. Interesting how Jim refers to Kid as Heyes' gunnie.

Anyway, I really admire your ability to tell such a complete story in 3,000 words or less. I also can see some possibilities for the future out of this. . . whatever happened to those twins? Did they go on to a life of crime? Did they even encounter some other outlaws gangs out Wyoming way? Hhhmmm. . . .

REMUDA: Poor Jed! He only tried to help! It's a cruel world for an orphan, who might still believe in the kindness of strangers. A few more incidents like this, and he might give up helping people altogether. And he got thrown off and separated from Han. . . or did he? Here's hoping they find each other soon!

MAZ: Mrs. Darkly returns! Very clever word play on "diamond!"

HANNA HEYES: I don't think you need to apologize for a story being a stretch. I think I saw what inspired you to write this story, and it works fine for me. You never know what little sparks of creativity will be set off by a prompt.

That being said, I thought this was very clever. It's a variety of saddle talk, except, maybe, spelunking talk. And anything that prompts such a wide assortment of clever lines wins my approval. Some of my favorite lines: "Well, Wheat, bears needs their fiber, too." Kid's slight threat to shoot Wheat: "Well now that sounded like one more word to me . . ." Heyes to Wheat, about Wheat haunting him: "I'll just ignore you like I do now." And the whole sub-plot about Kyle's disappearing sleeves - priceless!

RIDERS 57: Another good take on the prompt - a baseball diamond! And you put together a logical and plausible way for baseball to be introduced at Devil's Hole. While drinking too much and fighting can be a lot of fun for bored outlaws, putting them on opposing teams playing baseball is a much better, and probably less violent, way to use their energies. Cute idea and well-executed.


And I think I'm finally caught up!!!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Sun Jun 17, 2012 12:16 pm

InsideOutlaw - It's wonderful to read stories written by people who clearly know so much about their subject matter. It's such a fun way to learn and the comeuppance was a lot of fun. This really showed the different aspects of the characters of the gang and how they all interacted to make this a great read.

Remuda - I'm in awe of how you can be so prolific and turn out such good quality all the time. Heyes' rising irritation reminded me of an old married couple having a spat. Loved this.

Riders57 - I really enjoyed this karmic tale of how Big Jim got caught and taught the boys the benefits of treating people well.

Maz- Ah, a jubilee entry. Who knew the boys liked a street party, but they'd always be welcome?

HannaHeyes - I don't think this is a stretch at all. They glittered and looked like diamonds and this was a diamond of a story with ten carat dialogue. Wonderfully funny lines and Kyle at his inept best.

Riders57 - Another superb writer who always keeps the quality of the work so high. A baseball diamond? A great take on the prompt, and even if I didn't know much about the sport I could certainly relate to the outlaws getting bored and acting like naughty children acting out and annoying everyone in Devil's Hole. I bet every parent can! Very well written
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Sun Jun 17, 2012 12:20 pm

Riders57: Great use of the prompt--that never would've occurred to me. A fun story, too, with lots of nice moments. Loved that Kid was cleaning ALL the guns, that Heyes would never admit to anyone other than Kid that Wheat was actually right about something, and that Heyes made up his own rules for baseball.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Sun Jun 17, 2012 2:02 pm

Riders: kudos on a nifty twist on the prompt. Of course outlaws get bored, especially cooped up in a hideout with no whiskey or women! The Kid's a genius and I loved this quote: “You’ll have to be real specific about stealin’ bases.”

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Sun Jun 17, 2012 2:44 pm

OOH so far so good, I am keeping up this month.

Don't you all go adding 20 stories before the end!!

Hannaheyes...I thought they were going to be stuck in that cave with Kyle for years!
Riders..a baseball diamond. Great idea.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Mon Jun 18, 2012 11:29 am

Riders57 - Top maks for such an original take on the prompt. A great story which had bored outlaws at their misbehaving best and putting the 'petty' into petty criminals. Everyone was right in character from Kid cleaning all the guns to Heyes having an elastic interpretation of the rules. Lots of fun and very easy to imagine in my mind's eye.
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PostSubject: Word challange   Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:12 pm

Very interesting take on the word challange InsideOutlaw. Very original, sad but sweet both at the same time. Funny how life can go in a far different direction then what we had planned for ourselves.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 26, 2012 5:22 am

Fortitudine: What a beautiful, poignant story! You manage to convey so much in so few words. I could just see the cold, drafty waystation and the apathy of the other passengers; just Kid and this woman in a small cozy world of their own. Loved it.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 26, 2012 6:49 am

Fortitudine, this is touching and poignant. For once, Kid had an opportunity to confide in someone, but it could only happen if that someone couldn't understand or appreciate what he was saying. Very clever of the young lady to tell him that she was somewhat deaf!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 26, 2012 8:02 am

Fortitudine - Poor Kid can't get a break. He thinks he can tell this gal anything, just to realize she knew what he was saying. On the other hand, nice that she wasn't greedy and turned him in for a reward. Well-written story!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 26, 2012 11:20 am

Fortitudine - I loved this tale of Fleecy dewBong and her garrulous travelling companion. He really is a fool for the ladies, isn't he? It's bound to be his undoing in the end. Lots of wonderful lines, as always, and a happy ending. Your writing has such a light touch and is always a pleasure to read. study
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 26, 2012 12:00 pm

Fortitudine-- As usual a good story from you and it tugged the emotions. You do an excellent job of painting a bleak scene, even if it has a happy ending. Many good lines -- I particularly liked: "Reckon I slaughtered that and left it out on the prairie." Surprised that the Kid has such a bleak view of himself but very in keeping with the tone of your story. Glad the girl relented in the end and hope the day was happier than the night. Good job.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Tue Jun 26, 2012 10:50 pm

Fort; a very nicely writen story and very discriptive too of the weather conditions. 'It was so cold the snow squeeked' It really dropped the reader right into the white, cold day and night waiting for the train. I could understand Kid unloading all his worries onto this young woman, thinking that she would be a safe listener and what a scare for him to realize that he may have said way too much. Sweet though, that she assured him of her confidance and he was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the journey with her.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:06 pm

FORTITUDINE - Yours was a very sweet and kind of sad story all rolled into one. It was beautifully written and easy to see in one's mind. Everybody needs to unload sometimes and Kid just happened to come across one that listened and didn't turn him in. Even if she did lie to him :)

KEAYS - A very nice letter to 'Joshua'. It sounds just like something a young blushing bride would write. I have to say though, I really wish they'd get Heyes outta that place!

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Thu Jun 28, 2012 7:38 am

KEAYS: Bridget's letter is a nice continuation and, maybe, "DVD extra" to your story. You gave us a sweet insight into this young bride, and, at the same time, included an element of sadness, because Joshua could not be there for her great day. You conveyed a whole set of emotions succinctly and clearly.

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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Thu Jun 28, 2012 2:06 pm

Keays: This seemed so different to me as a standalone story. You write the excitement of a young bride so well and it was very sweet here despite her missing her friend. In Departures, I remember this as a much sadder, much more melancholy scene. Interesting.
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PostSubject: Re: Awestruck Comments   Thu Jun 28, 2012 7:00 pm

SKY - Such a sad story, and different from the usual ones you read about that particular event. Written nicely. I thought it was very emotional and, in its own way, beautiful. I wanted the reporter to see the necklace though ;)

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